A Public Service Annoucement*

There is something that’s happening in our society that is making me question the intelligence of the human race. This “something” is enough to scare anyone into keeping their children locked in the closet for their entire lives. Something so evil that many wake up screaming from the horrible nightmares they cause.

The men’s jean short.



Don’t even get me started on the faded men’s jean short. Christ almighty, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

There is no reason on this earth why any male on this planet should own a pair of jean shorts. Well, I guess there is 1 reason. Perhaps you’re going to a costume party and you’re dressing up like white trash. Or maybe you live in Jersey. So technically there are 2 reasons why you own a pair.

People, let’s do society a big favor: let’s outlaw the jean short for men.


*This public service announcement is brought to you by I Have No Inner Monologue: making the world a better place by mocking those lacking in good manners, good looks, and fashion sense.

About Me...

You know those little meme’s that go out via email that ask you to answer questions about yourself? For your viewing pleasure, here are the responses.

(I’m not going to tag anyone, but feel free to steal it and post it on your own blog)
Here is the new 2009 edition of getting to know your family and friends. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.

Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends. The easiest way to do it is to hit ‘forward’ so you can change the answers or copy and paste. Have fun and be truthful!

1. What is your occupation right now? Marketing Maven

2. What color are your sock s right now? Socks?? It’s summer. Fuck sucks.

3. What are you listening to right now? Jack Ass boring someone with a story about her snobby kids.

4. What was the last thing that you ate? My feelings.

5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes I can, as long as you don’t mind hearing the gears grinding.

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Your mom.

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes, I do

8. How old are you today? Old enough to know better.

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Do dating shows count as a sport?

10. What is your favorite drink? Anything with booze in it.

11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Of course I have. I’m a chick.

12. Favorite food? Hmm…far too many choices for this one.

13. What is the last movie you watched? The Hangover

14. Favorite day of the year? Same as everyone’s favorite day of the year, my birthday.

15. How do you vent anger? I don’t vent my anger, I eat it.

16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine.

17. What is your favorite season? Mating season.

18. Cherries or Blueberries? Both.

19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? Only if they’re inviting me to dinner or offering to send me money.

20. Who is the most likely to respond? Certainly not John Cusack as he never responds to me.

21. Who is least likely to respond? Your mom.

22. Living arrangements? A delightful 1 bedroom Condo in Ballard.

23. When was the last time you cried? Last night.

24. What is on the floor of your closet? Your mom.

25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to?
Perez Hilton.

26. What did you do last night? Celebrated Father’s Day – with your dad.

27. What are you most afraid of? That the peen counter won’t be reset anytime soon. Gives me nightmares.

28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? What the fuck is a spicy hamburger?

29. Favorite dog breed? How about least favorite? I don’t like greyhounds.

30. Favorite day of the week? Saturday.

31. How many states have you lived in? 3. Unless you count “anxiety” as a state, in which case I’ve lived in 4.

32. Diamonds or pearls? Both together. So beautiful.

33. What is your favorite flower? Tulips

Letterman vs. Palin

All I've got is the ridunkulous feud between David Letterman and Sarah Palin.

I'm sure you've all heard by now that Letterman used Palin's recent trip to NYC as an opportunity to make some off-color jokes about her daughter, Bristol. Or at least he thought they were about Bristol. Turns out that Palin's 14-year-old daughter, Willow (where in the eff does she come up with these names?), was the one who accompanied her mother to New York. So, Palin assumed that Letterman was actually making jokes about her younger daughter being hit on by Elliot Spitzer and getting knocked up by A-Rod.

I assumed that most normal people would think:
1. The first joke was more of a dig at Elliot Spitzer than anyone.
2. The second one was a nod to A-Rod's philandering ways, as well as a reminder that Bristol is, in fact, a teenage mom.
3. Neither of these jokes had anything to do with the 14-year-old because, not only is that gross, but it also doesn't make any sense.

I either assumed wrong, or Sarah Palin is not a normal person. She and her supporters are calling for Letterman's head, and Palin suddenly thinks she's heading up NOW.

Sure, it may be in poor taste to make sexual jokes about a young girl, even an 18-year-old, but I doubt there would have been such an uproar had the joke been made about, say, Jamie Lynn Spears. And I'm sure there have been worse jokes made about her...possibly even on this very blog.

As far as the politicians' rally cry of "Don't pick on my family," if they're of age and in the public eye, they're fair game for comedians, talk show hosts, gossip rags, and bloggers. That's just the way it goes. Palin complained to Matt Lauer on Today that Obama's family was never picked on (would that have made her feel better?), but his girls are 8 and 11. They haven't done anything yet that's worth ridiculing! And, come on, it's not like this is something brand new. The Bush girls were constantly skewered on late night TV as hard-partying airheads, and the media made some pretty brutal attacks on Chelsea Clinton's looks.

Sure, Letterman's poorly-researched jokes may have been low blows, but Palin's eagerness to pounce on him and go so far as to suggest that he's a pedophile (or at least a pervert) who condones child rape is even lower. She refused to accept Letterman's explanation that the comments were about Bristol, telling Lauer, "You and anybody else are extremely naive to believe that very convenient excuse." So, it's naive to believe Letterman's totally logical assertion that the joke about one of Palin's daughters getting knocked up was meant for the one who actually did get knocked up, but it makes perfect sense to jump to the conclusion that David Letterman is a pervy old man who thinks raping young girls is hilarious?? Interesting.

At first, Letterman didn't seem to think an apology was in order, but he finally caved. I doubt that will stop the "Fire David Letterman" rally set for tomorrow afternoon, though. It's kind of hard to stop a shitstorm already in progress.

I don't know, I can see Palin's side in that if I had a daughter, I would want to defend her if someone was saying rude things about her. But there were probably a million ways she could have responded to the jokes, all of which would have been better than the way she did.

What do you guys think?

What the effing crap? That angel guy just felt me up

I've seen this going around but never paid any attention to it until a friend whose sense of humor I trust sent it to me with a note that read, This is so blog-worthy. What were they thinking with those 80s videos that we all watched and took very seriously?

I laughed until gold dust fell out of my fancy mask.

The Decapitation of Bret Michaels

Monday morning. Kill me now. The only thing that’s helping me make it through the day are all of the insanely stupid stories being featured on CNN today. Front page stories that include thrilling headlines like “Stephen Colbert gets Military Haircut” or “Ticker: Ears Looked Just like Obama’s, Aide Says.”

By far the most compelling headline of all is “Bret Micheals Hit's Prop at Tony Awards.” What the hell is he doing at the Tony Awards? I mean, sure, he enjoys surrounding himself by drama (case in point: Rock of Love Season 1, Rock of Love Season 2, and Rock of Love: Bus). A bunch of crazy strippers punching each other and pouring salsa in one another’s suitcases is one type of drama, Bret Michaels performing at the Tony Awards is quite another.



I’m kind of pissed that I missed the whole damn thing. I imagine flocks of skanks coming out of wings trying to rescue his bandana and extensions.

Comedy gold…

Thug Life

I've always had really weird dreams. So weird that I think some people think I'm just making it up when I tell them.

I wish someone would invent a machine that could be hooked up to someones brain and record their dreams. Then you could watch them like you're watching TV. If they did, here's what you could have been watching if you were tuned to the Sandy’s Dream Channel last night:

I was in Mexico and I was trapped in a car. I couldn't get out because these dogs were trying to attack me. The dogs finally left and I was able to get out.

Once out of the car though, this gang approached me and they said they were going to kill me. They walk away to prepare themselves and this weird guy approaches me and tells me that I (like him) have the ability to transform into any creature thus helping me defend myself against the gang that's going to kill me.

So the weird guy says, "You can change..just like this"...

He spins around and all of a sudden he looks like Santa Claus. But a disheveled Mexican Santa. Proudly he says, "You see, when the gang comes back, do you really think they're going to want to kill Santa? .....Thinks about it.

"I remember thinking.."What the hell?"....

Then I woke up. True story.

The Subway Cheese Conspiracy

I really hate the way Subway places the cheese on their subs in a stupid overlapping fashion that defies all logic. But some clever internet sleuth with a camera has proven me wrong. There apparently is a logic applied to the madness!



You see?? It's all just a scam to promote orders of extra cheese! Bastards!

So today I got on my high horse and walked to the nearest Subway to order a turkey & cheese, and when the Asian sandwich artist placed my cheddar in the usual overlapping fashion, I said with just a tad of smug self-righteousness, "could you please make sure that the cheese doesn't overlap?"

When she replied, "What?", I wasn't sure if a) she had not heard me, b) she was caught off-guard by my stupid request, or c) I had misjudged her familiarity with the English language.

I repeated my stupid request and she queried, "you want extra cheese?"

"Aha!" I thought, preparing for the subsequent consumer-rights battle in my head. I said, "no, I just want you to flip that middle piece of cheese so that it covers all the bread."

I expected resistance, but she got the best of me by retaining total eye-contact with me as she flippantly flopped that middle piece of cheese, as requested, and pushed the sandwich into the waiting hands of the veggie expert down the line. Her vacant expression and cold stare were the only cues I needed to understand that this battle was not only beneath her, but that I had absolutely no chance of winning regardless.

I walk a little less tall today.