what an adult text message conversation looks like

My equally sharpwitted gal pal CF and I text messaging while watching the Olympic track events:



CF: Guess what Walter Dix's middle name is?

ME: Harry

CF: No, silly. It's Gottabigone. Betch didn't know he was Italian.

ME: I thought he was Jewish...Walter Bignblack Dix

CF: Huh, maybe you're right

ME: It's actually Sockinshortz!

CF: Ah you kill me!



There is nothing like giving ethnic names to athlete's wangs to show your support to the US Olympic team!

Potential Mood Killers

Many women out there have a number of irrational fears about men and how picky they are. I've heard plenty of my girlfriends say things like, "If you don't put on your pants and leave now, I'm going to press charges." Other, less litigious women say things like, "I wanted to invite him back home, but my house is such a mess!" To which men say: "Do you have boobs? Then he won't notice."

However, there are a few things that are dealbreakers. Here are a list of things – in increasing order – that might kill the mood, were you bringing some dude over to your place for the 8 second pantsless rodeo.

- Piles of dirty laundry
- Precious Moments figurines
- Above-ground swimming pool*
- More than 4 cats
- Shrieking wraiths indicating place was built on ancient Indian burial ground
- More than 8 cats
- Bookshelf with Eat Pray Love on it
- Guy in a gimp mask chained to the radiator
- Creepy collage of pictures of the guy you've invited over with his eyes scratched out in every picture
- Basement dungeon
- House-encompassing collection of porcelain dolls arranged in strange patterns, like pentagrams - Pile of dead hobos
- First-floor dungeon**
- Your angry, gun-wielding husband
- Your angrier, knife-wielding ex-husband
- Freezer full of internal organs/heads- Freezer with room for one more set of organs/severed head

* "Hi, White. Have you met Trash? You guys would be great together."
**When you're too lazy to hide your dungeon underground, you're trouble.

speedos

You know what’s special about the Olympics? All those boys with hot, cut, well defined bodies in a tiny banana hammock. Thank you world for making the Speedo and providing us with a venue to stare at specimens who actually belong in them.

I’ve watched a couple of Olympic events, funny how they all involve men and some sort of water sport. I do enjoy reading up on the results of the swimming competitions. Mainly because of the pictures that accompany the articles.


Also, I’m a Michael Phelps fan. Sure, he had a creepy Fu Manchu mustache a little bit ago, but that’s gone now. And his face leaves a lot to be desired, but that’s something you’d never see if he was hitting it from behind. I’ll just dream of putting a paper bag over his head and then have my way with him.


Last night I decided to take a break from watching the Olympics to watch the last DVD of Mad Men Season 1. If you haven’t seen this show, put it on your netflix queue. It’s well-written, beautiful cast and of course the clothes! I kept waiting for Darren Stevens to pop up and ask someone to go for a two-martini lunch or the McMahon and Tate special. Anyway, my gal pal CF asked me if I caught the men’s synchronized diving event. I said no and she went on to say I missed out on the hottie Cuban-born Canadian diver. So I of course dropped the proposal I was working on to Google “Cuban born Canadian diver” and much to my delight I found Arturo Miranda. Get ready to fill your spank bank.







Damn you Mad Men! How did I miss this? One look at his body can make just about any girl run like Niagara Falls. Unlike Michael Phelps, having to stare at his jacked teeth and almost-mono brow would cause even Niagara Falls to dry up like the Sahara Dessert. With that being said, I present to you, the new and improved Olympic Gold Medal Winner, Michael Phelps!

Apparently I'm Asian

A trip to Sephora is in my future

Things that make summer awesome:


· Lounging around/near the water with friends, food and cold beers;
· Awesome flowy sundresses and skirts;
· Flip flops;
· Sunshine until 8 p.m.


Things that make summer suck:


· Forgetting to bring your make up bag inside from your car and returning to find your makeup and brushes coated with a light slimy layer of lipgloss because your MAC palette melted into a shiny soup of gunk