Faux Boyfriend of the Week

The fact is that I’m having a hard time picking hot new dudes and am tempted to start recycling them – kind of like my past boyfriends.

Let’s be honest, it’s pretty sad when some of the actors from the Harry Potter movies start looking like good options. And I’m not talking about Ralph Fiennes or Gary Oldman, I’m talking about Rupert Grint. Yeah, I know, disturbing. I’ll admit to having spent some time looking for hot photos of the kids. I’ll also admit to thinking he’s doable. Sure, he’s 14 years younger than I am, but who cares? He’s 21 and as far as I’m concerned, that’s old enough for me.

That’s when it occurred to me that I was limiting myself to TV and movie stars. There’s a whole world of hot and sexy athletes that I haven’t explored (literally and figuratively).

So, my dear tens of readers, this week I present you with hot British Baller, Michael Owen.

Here’s what I can tell you about him, he’s British, he’s hot, and he likes to play the soccer. That’s good enough for me!

Peen as a Weapeen

I just read the most hilarious news article on BBC News. According to a report coming out of Scotland, a man was fined for assaulting a female officer with his peen.

His girlfriend called the cops on him when he was all hammered and belligerent. When the cops got there, he was sitting on the couch in his man-panties. It’s unclear how it all happened, but he ended up standing over the female cop and trying to slap the officer in the face with his dick.

Many of us know this as “foreplay”.

I'm a Risk Taker!

Fuck jumping out of a perfectly good airplane or off a bridge. Forget being set up on a blind date or driving without a seat belt. I’m doing something that would make my mamacita proud.

In fact, I think she’ll cry when I tell her about it later today.

What’s the big risk I’m taking? I’m eating peanut butter that expired 6 months ago. That’s right! I’m living on the fucking edge!! I’m staring food poisoning right in the face and saying, “Fuck you, food poisoning. Fuck you in your stupid ass.”

There’s nothing wrong with the peanut butter, it’s fine. In fact, I had some yesterday too and I didn’t get sick. I’m not scared of a stupid little expiration date. It’s not like it’s dairy products or condoms.

Speaking of condoms, I threw out 8 perfectly good ones yesterday morning. I should have known when I bought them that it would all go to shit and they’d end up in the garbage. You see, fine readers, condoms and I have a tumultuous relationship. I buy a 3 pack and things go grand. The second I buy a 12 pack everything goes up in flames and 9 end up in my bedside drawer mocking me for years.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to this expired peanut butter.

Coma Watching

A few weeks ago I was watching a medical drama in which a man woke up from a 10 year coma. I thought to myself, “man, he missed a lot of bad television” So I thought I’d write a post about how to explain popular television shows to someone who has just emerged from a long coma. Kids, this is what happens when titles stop being polite and start getting real.

Vapid Wealthy Children Go To Pretend Jobs, Have Altercations, Discuss, Repeat

Vapid Wealthy Adult Women Go To Pretend Jobs, Have Altercations, Discuss, Repeat

Sad Reality Contestants You Can’t Remember Do The Cha Cha Wearing Spandex In An Attempt To Win Back Their Dignity

White People Paint Selves Orange, Drink Bacardi, Exchange STDs

People Wash Up On Island, Travel Through Time, Yet Never Lose Weight or Grow Unibrows

Women Rejected By Regular Modeling Agencies Take Advice From Mercurial Drag Queen

Heartwarming Fat People Forced To Dress Like Rainbow Brite's Color Kids Get Yelled At

Giant Chin Overstays Welcome

Man Fondles 20 Women; Sleeps With 3; Marries 1...