"Free Bird"

I recently attended a concert at the Tractor Tavern in Seattle. After the behavior of the opening band and those in attendance, I decided there should be some rules. This, my concert loving friends, is what I'm calling: Sandy's guide to concert manners.

For the Performers

Lead Singers

Do not, under any circumstance, grab the microphone with two hands and close your eyes to sing... ever. Oh, and stop dressing your hands and wrists with strings, bands, henna tattoos, rings and whatever else you're using to try to mask the fact that you aren't playing an instrument. And, shut up about politics and your views on the environment. I’m at a concert to rock out, not to learn about land use and sustainability. If I wanted a political statement I’d go to a Dixie Chicks concert.

Bassists

Hang out in the back, don't move around too much. If you need to talk, then talk to the drummer. No more of this primping and prancing. We want to see you showing off like we want to see some fancy moves from the referee at a football game.

Drummers

We need you guys to start wearing sleeves, thanks. Also, The gloves; you're not bench-pressing here. How much hand protection do you need to grip a couple of sticks that are about the weight and girth of two pretzel logs?

An End to Witty Commentary

As someone in a band, you're probably surrounded by people who think you shit velvet, and those people have probably led you to believe that you're a pretty funny and smart guy. But here's the thing: you're not. Like, at all. If I wanted to see some asshole sing a song about turning off the lights and other “green” stories, I'd get drunk at the next Al Gore rally. Just remember, you're going to need those hilarious anecdotes when you're trying to woo those PBR drinking hipster girls.

So, that was simple enough. Now on to the real offenders: the throngs of people stupid enough to pay money to see these assholes in the first place.

The Concert-goers

No Yelling Out Song Requests

Bands have these things called set lists, and they are integral with lighting and... never mind, you're drunk. Just stop it.

No Band T-Shirts

Everyone knows that you're not supposed to wear the T-shirt of the band you came to see, but it's a little known fact that wearing any band T-shirt at a concert is also permissible grounds for the use of violence. We get it, you really like music and were able to find a T-shirt of an obscure band that you'd never heard of until you found the T-Shirt. Ghost Town Boxes is a favorite of yours? Really? I know, your buddies told you it's a pretty cool shirt, but why don't you save it for your yoga class tomorrow morning.



Do Not Make Out at Concerts

We're glad you and your on-again, off-again boyfriend/girlfriend rekindled your medium-rare romance for a night, but this isn't either of your parents' basements. Stand still, look at your stylish retro sneakers and remind yourself over and over again that your mother wasn't lying when she said you were the most unique little alterna-snowflake in the universe. And, speaking of you people with the retro sneakers...



Enough With the Ironic Facial Hair

See that guy? That's Tom Selleck. He is one of the few people who could rock a mustache and get away with it. You, ironic-facial-hair guy, are not. I know, the singer from that band you like looks cool with a handlebar mustache so you figure, why not? Or, maybe you think that making yourself brazenly ugly beats being just ordinarily ugly. The fact is that if you're the type of person who is wearing ironic facial hair to a rock concert, you do not need to be sabotaging your chances of getting laid any more than the gene pool already has.

Tall People

If you’re six feet tall, don’t stand in front of the 5 foot people. Seriously stretch, move your giraffe legs and stand in front of someone your own size.


Stop Taking Pictures With Your Cell Phones

You people spend $100 to go to a concert so that you can watch the entire event on a 3-inch by 2-inch, green-lit, night-vision screen. Rather than enjoying the music, you spend your time trying to determine if that speck that looks like a glow-in-the-dark amoeba swimming around in a cloudy bucket of piss is Bono or the Edge. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that you are the same people, who as parents, will spend your entire family vacations taking pictures rather than taking a vacation. You'll be too busy making your kids look like they're enjoying themselves when you say "cheese" to ever enjoy your kids.

Horror of all horrors…

I embarrassed myself at work today. It was worse than the time several years ago that I slipped, fell down the stairs, and ended up on my back at the bottom of the stairs wearing my lunch. Did I mention that there was a round of applause and a random “See you next fall!” shouted towards me? Yeah, it happened.

This is even worse than the time that my secret boyfriend at work caught me adjusting my bra and boobs.

Or when I accidentally flashed a project manager.

I was standing at a coworkers desk this afternoon. She is very nice and very pleasant, and I’m just counting my lucky stars that I wasn’t talking to my boss. Anyway, this coworker of mine made a joke and I opened my mouth and laughed. It was a hearty laugh, and as I opened my mouth, I felt something fly out. Then I caught site of a GIGANTIC loogie taking flight, it was aimed right at her.

Ever had one of those moments when you think to yourself, “Please, God, if you are merciful you will strike me dead right now”? Well, this was one of those moments. It was as if I was watching a movie in slow motion and the loogie hurdling through the air was travelling at a snail’s pace. Suddenly, it landed in the middle of her desk. Right on a pile of notes that she had stacked. Meanwhile, my poor coworker had a look that can only be described as horrified delight. She burst out laughing.

“OH MY GOD! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry!!” I said as I felt the blood rush to my face and my cheeks felt like they would burst into flames.

Do you know how freaking hard it is to clean a loogie off of paper?? It’s really freaking difficult.