"Free Bird"

I recently attended a concert at the Tractor Tavern in Seattle. After the behavior of the opening band and those in attendance, I decided there should be some rules. This, my concert loving friends, is what I'm calling: Sandy's guide to concert manners.

For the Performers

Lead Singers

Do not, under any circumstance, grab the microphone with two hands and close your eyes to sing... ever. Oh, and stop dressing your hands and wrists with strings, bands, henna tattoos, rings and whatever else you're using to try to mask the fact that you aren't playing an instrument. And, shut up about politics and your views on the environment. I’m at a concert to rock out, not to learn about land use and sustainability. If I wanted a political statement I’d go to a Dixie Chicks concert.

Bassists

Hang out in the back, don't move around too much. If you need to talk, then talk to the drummer. No more of this primping and prancing. We want to see you showing off like we want to see some fancy moves from the referee at a football game.

Drummers

We need you guys to start wearing sleeves, thanks. Also, The gloves; you're not bench-pressing here. How much hand protection do you need to grip a couple of sticks that are about the weight and girth of two pretzel logs?

An End to Witty Commentary

As someone in a band, you're probably surrounded by people who think you shit velvet, and those people have probably led you to believe that you're a pretty funny and smart guy. But here's the thing: you're not. Like, at all. If I wanted to see some asshole sing a song about turning off the lights and other “green” stories, I'd get drunk at the next Al Gore rally. Just remember, you're going to need those hilarious anecdotes when you're trying to woo those PBR drinking hipster girls.

So, that was simple enough. Now on to the real offenders: the throngs of people stupid enough to pay money to see these assholes in the first place.

The Concert-goers

No Yelling Out Song Requests

Bands have these things called set lists, and they are integral with lighting and... never mind, you're drunk. Just stop it.

No Band T-Shirts

Everyone knows that you're not supposed to wear the T-shirt of the band you came to see, but it's a little known fact that wearing any band T-shirt at a concert is also permissible grounds for the use of violence. We get it, you really like music and were able to find a T-shirt of an obscure band that you'd never heard of until you found the T-Shirt. Ghost Town Boxes is a favorite of yours? Really? I know, your buddies told you it's a pretty cool shirt, but why don't you save it for your yoga class tomorrow morning.



Do Not Make Out at Concerts

We're glad you and your on-again, off-again boyfriend/girlfriend rekindled your medium-rare romance for a night, but this isn't either of your parents' basements. Stand still, look at your stylish retro sneakers and remind yourself over and over again that your mother wasn't lying when she said you were the most unique little alterna-snowflake in the universe. And, speaking of you people with the retro sneakers...



Enough With the Ironic Facial Hair

See that guy? That's Tom Selleck. He is one of the few people who could rock a mustache and get away with it. You, ironic-facial-hair guy, are not. I know, the singer from that band you like looks cool with a handlebar mustache so you figure, why not? Or, maybe you think that making yourself brazenly ugly beats being just ordinarily ugly. The fact is that if you're the type of person who is wearing ironic facial hair to a rock concert, you do not need to be sabotaging your chances of getting laid any more than the gene pool already has.

Tall People

If you’re six feet tall, don’t stand in front of the 5 foot people. Seriously stretch, move your giraffe legs and stand in front of someone your own size.


Stop Taking Pictures With Your Cell Phones

You people spend $100 to go to a concert so that you can watch the entire event on a 3-inch by 2-inch, green-lit, night-vision screen. Rather than enjoying the music, you spend your time trying to determine if that speck that looks like a glow-in-the-dark amoeba swimming around in a cloudy bucket of piss is Bono or the Edge. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that you are the same people, who as parents, will spend your entire family vacations taking pictures rather than taking a vacation. You'll be too busy making your kids look like they're enjoying themselves when you say "cheese" to ever enjoy your kids.

Horror of all horrors…

I embarrassed myself at work today. It was worse than the time several years ago that I slipped, fell down the stairs, and ended up on my back at the bottom of the stairs wearing my lunch. Did I mention that there was a round of applause and a random “See you next fall!” shouted towards me? Yeah, it happened.

This is even worse than the time that my secret boyfriend at work caught me adjusting my bra and boobs.

Or when I accidentally flashed a project manager.

I was standing at a coworkers desk this afternoon. She is very nice and very pleasant, and I’m just counting my lucky stars that I wasn’t talking to my boss. Anyway, this coworker of mine made a joke and I opened my mouth and laughed. It was a hearty laugh, and as I opened my mouth, I felt something fly out. Then I caught site of a GIGANTIC loogie taking flight, it was aimed right at her.

Ever had one of those moments when you think to yourself, “Please, God, if you are merciful you will strike me dead right now”? Well, this was one of those moments. It was as if I was watching a movie in slow motion and the loogie hurdling through the air was travelling at a snail’s pace. Suddenly, it landed in the middle of her desk. Right on a pile of notes that she had stacked. Meanwhile, my poor coworker had a look that can only be described as horrified delight. She burst out laughing.

“OH MY GOD! I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry!!” I said as I felt the blood rush to my face and my cheeks felt like they would burst into flames.

Do you know how freaking hard it is to clean a loogie off of paper?? It’s really freaking difficult.

Wax on, Wax off

If you are male, I implore you to click away. Please go. This is not the post for you. I will be discussing delicate areas you do not want to know about. You have been warned.

For the past four years or so, I have worn a skirtini for my poolside ensemble. (I’m sure you can imagine my dismay when I realized a skirtini is a bathing suit, not a drink.) That little skirt hides quite a bit: the fat hiding on my thighs, and butt, and, yes, the fact that I don’t like to shave north of my knees. I don’t like to shave, period. This year,though, I figured I would go for the bikini wax. You know, as a treat to myself. Or a blog post at the very least.

“Hello, Becky. My name is Sandy. I’ve never done this before. I’m a little nervous and embarrassed about what’s going on down there. You’ll have to tell me what I need to do.”

Innocuous enough, I suppose, but it was the beginning of what may be the most uncomfortable 20 minutes I’ve ever had.

“Don’t worry about it. It’ll be fine,” Becky breezed. “Just put on these disposable panties and I’ll be right back.”

She handed me a plastic package with the same dimensions of a tampon. Because I am really a 12-year-old boy, I squeezed all the air from one end of the package to the other until I heard a satisfying *pop* then tried to find the hole so I could liberate my transitional panties. I could not find the hole.

I tried to use my fingernails to make another hole. No luck.

Finally, worried that I was taking entirely too long to separate the panties from their plastic confines, I used my teeth to tear open the package–because I was in a spa and I’m klassy like that.

What I was left with was a piece of elastic and two pieces of tissue paper that were each the width of three of my fingers. It reminded me of the time we went to Zumanity in Las Vegas and we saw two 350lb women in see-through body stockings handing out chocolate-covered strawberries. Why? Because I was pretty sure I was going to look just as good in this flimsy excuse of a g-string as those women in Vegas did. Even though no one would see me but Becky, I was mortified. It just ain’t fittin, it just ain’t fittin! (Props to you if you can name the movie, the character, and the situation.)

Becky finally reappeared and asked what we were doing. I just wanted the traditional bikini wax–no lightning bolts, landing strips, or countries for me, thanks.

So she got to work. Or tried to. She had to stop, get the scissors, and trim. Y’all. I told you I hate to shave. It had been at least two years since I had ventured into this territory. I was mortified for the second time in five minutes. This was going very well, indeed.

Becky was finally able to find some skin on which to paste the warm wax. She suggested I pull the skin taught around it so it would be easier (less painful?) for her to pull off.

First strip! Ugh. Similar to having the brows waxed. Not the worst thing I’ve ever encountered.

Second strip! Hey. I thought you just did that part. At least it didn’t really hurt this time.

Third strip! Holy hell! What the fuck are you doing to me? Is that blood? Is this payback for having to trim before you scar me for life? Please, for the love of Pete, stop!

In her sweetest voice, Becky asked, “Are you still doing OK?”

“Thank you, sir!” I choked out. “May I have another?”

She complied.

I had my first bikini wax and possibly my last. For the next two years, anyway.

Poop

I want someone to invent a toilet with a scale in it that will weigh my poop before I flush and send it out to sea.


It would also be sweet if it was programmed to play song clips related to the weight of your submission. For example, let's say you dropped off ten pounds of kids at the pool (I blame the Thai food) . . . the digital scale would register a whopping ten pounds and then the built-in iPod would play a short clip from Rod Stewart's Young Turks, "Patti gave birth to a ten pound baby boy, yeah!"


That would be awesome.

No shit Sherlock

You know what would make this film even hotter? If it was filmed in my bedroom and I was in it. Okay, so that might not be so hot for you – but it would TOTALLY work out for me.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and take a cold shower to wash away the dirty, depraved thoughts of the Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. sword fight for my (dis)honor.

Don't You Forget About Him....

John Hughes, the guy who helped get me through my craptacular teen years in one piece, has passed away. Another in a recent string of celebs who have died relatively young, Hughes died of a heart attack while walking in Manhattan today. He was only 59.

In honor of the man's work, here are my Top 10 John Hughes Films:(All films listed were written by Hughes; the ones he also directed are marked with an asterisk.)

10.Home Alone - I like to pretend that Macauley Culkin never grew up, and that he's still that little lost boy who learned about aftershave the hard way.

9. Mr. Mom - A friend and I saw this in the theater soon after I had developed a crush on Michael Keaton. I actually remember writing in my diary later that evening that I wanted to marry him.

8. Pretty in Pink - It's got a great soundtrack. James Spader is a wonderful bastard, as always. And, hey, the Dice Man makes an appearance! There are a lot of good pieces here, but they just don't all fit together the way they should. The main problem is that I can NEVER buy the Andie/Blaine pairing. He's such a little wussy boy. But that doesn't mean that I think Andie should pick Duckie, either. She wouldn't want to jeopardize that friendship. Besides, he's kind of a spaz. No, Andie totally should've given up on high school boys and hooked up with an indie rock dude.

7. National Lampoon's Vacation - Someone recently told me that they didn't think this movie was funny. I can't remember who that was. I probably cut him or her out of my life after that because, let's face it, he or she was probably a communist. I mean, seriously. Who doesn't think this is funny?

6. Some Kind of Wonderful - Even though this is kind of a rip-off of Pretty in Pink (with a more satisfying ending), it ranks higher on my list for many reasons - most of which are unknown to me. But the ones I do know are:

Eric Stoltz is adorable

Craig Sheffer is almost as good at being a dick as James Spader...or even ZABKA (hallowed be thy name)

5. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - Yep, I like the Griswolds' Christmas story better than the original one. SQUIRREL!!!!! cracks me up every time.

4. Weird Science* - I know a lot of people think it's stupid, but those people should be forced to eat a greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray. Come on, it's not supposed to be deep. It's just supposed to be silly fun, and it succeeds. Plus, it put Robert Downey, Jr. on the map, who went on to be a huge movie star. And it gave us Bill Paxton, who also went on to movie stardom despite the fact that his role as Chet is still the best one he's ever had.

3. The Breakfast Club* - Back in the day, I probably would have put TBC as my favorite Hughes film, but the older I get, the more I cringe at certain parts. It still may be the model against which all other teen movies are measured, but it really could have been improved by cutting back the angst just a tad. Because really, I can't help but laugh every time Ally Sheedy earnestly proclaims that, "When you grow up, your heart DIES." Come on. I didn't even believe that when I was a teenager.

2. Sixteen Candles* - Yes, everything about this movie is hilarious: from the simple but brilliant premise to Grandpa Howard asking the Donger, "Where is my automobile?" But when thinking about John Hughes's impact in the film industry and in the lives of teenagers, it's really quite special to watch this movie now and realize that a good part of why these characters seem so real is because their portrayers look real. Anthony Michael Hall looked like a real geek. They didn't just grab some guy who looked like Brad Pitt and slap glasses on him. And Molly Ringwald became a star because girls everywhere could relate to her. She was normal. She could have been any girl in any one of our high schools. How many of us can say our classrooms were filled with people who looked like Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens? Not many, I'm sure. So, why do the teen stars of today have to be so perfect? There's a sad realization here: if Molly Ringwald were just starting out now, she could never be a star. There's a good chance she wouldn't even get an audition.

1. Ferris Bueller's Day Off* - Ferris Bueller is my hero. Plain and simple.

Here's an old trailer with a peek at some obviously cut scenes.

Death, you have gone too far!

When will our pop cultural icons stop dying??? This is getting ridiculous.Master infomercial pitchman and Pittsburgh native Billy Mays died on Sunday. Like Michael Jackson, he was only 50 years old.

Apparently Billy complained that he didn't feel well before going to bed on Saturday evening and, earlier that day, he was hit in the head by some baggage during a rough landing on a Saturday flight to Tampa. Whether or not that played a role in his passing hasn't been determined yet.

Rest in peace, Billy. I'm sure you'll be a very popular guy up in Heaven. Someone has to keep all of those white robes looking shiny and new. Now they won't just be clean - they'll be Oxi-Clean.

A Public Service Annoucement*

There is something that’s happening in our society that is making me question the intelligence of the human race. This “something” is enough to scare anyone into keeping their children locked in the closet for their entire lives. Something so evil that many wake up screaming from the horrible nightmares they cause.

The men’s jean short.



Don’t even get me started on the faded men’s jean short. Christ almighty, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

There is no reason on this earth why any male on this planet should own a pair of jean shorts. Well, I guess there is 1 reason. Perhaps you’re going to a costume party and you’re dressing up like white trash. Or maybe you live in Jersey. So technically there are 2 reasons why you own a pair.

People, let’s do society a big favor: let’s outlaw the jean short for men.


*This public service announcement is brought to you by I Have No Inner Monologue: making the world a better place by mocking those lacking in good manners, good looks, and fashion sense.

About Me...

You know those little meme’s that go out via email that ask you to answer questions about yourself? For your viewing pleasure, here are the responses.

(I’m not going to tag anyone, but feel free to steal it and post it on your own blog)
Here is the new 2009 edition of getting to know your family and friends. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.

Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends. The easiest way to do it is to hit ‘forward’ so you can change the answers or copy and paste. Have fun and be truthful!

1. What is your occupation right now? Marketing Maven

2. What color are your sock s right now? Socks?? It’s summer. Fuck sucks.

3. What are you listening to right now? Jack Ass boring someone with a story about her snobby kids.

4. What was the last thing that you ate? My feelings.

5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes I can, as long as you don’t mind hearing the gears grinding.

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Your mom.

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes, I do

8. How old are you today? Old enough to know better.

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Do dating shows count as a sport?

10. What is your favorite drink? Anything with booze in it.

11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Of course I have. I’m a chick.

12. Favorite food? Hmm…far too many choices for this one.

13. What is the last movie you watched? The Hangover

14. Favorite day of the year? Same as everyone’s favorite day of the year, my birthday.

15. How do you vent anger? I don’t vent my anger, I eat it.

16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine.

17. What is your favorite season? Mating season.

18. Cherries or Blueberries? Both.

19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? Only if they’re inviting me to dinner or offering to send me money.

20. Who is the most likely to respond? Certainly not John Cusack as he never responds to me.

21. Who is least likely to respond? Your mom.

22. Living arrangements? A delightful 1 bedroom Condo in Ballard.

23. When was the last time you cried? Last night.

24. What is on the floor of your closet? Your mom.

25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to?
Perez Hilton.

26. What did you do last night? Celebrated Father’s Day – with your dad.

27. What are you most afraid of? That the peen counter won’t be reset anytime soon. Gives me nightmares.

28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? What the fuck is a spicy hamburger?

29. Favorite dog breed? How about least favorite? I don’t like greyhounds.

30. Favorite day of the week? Saturday.

31. How many states have you lived in? 3. Unless you count “anxiety” as a state, in which case I’ve lived in 4.

32. Diamonds or pearls? Both together. So beautiful.

33. What is your favorite flower? Tulips

Letterman vs. Palin

All I've got is the ridunkulous feud between David Letterman and Sarah Palin.

I'm sure you've all heard by now that Letterman used Palin's recent trip to NYC as an opportunity to make some off-color jokes about her daughter, Bristol. Or at least he thought they were about Bristol. Turns out that Palin's 14-year-old daughter, Willow (where in the eff does she come up with these names?), was the one who accompanied her mother to New York. So, Palin assumed that Letterman was actually making jokes about her younger daughter being hit on by Elliot Spitzer and getting knocked up by A-Rod.

I assumed that most normal people would think:
1. The first joke was more of a dig at Elliot Spitzer than anyone.
2. The second one was a nod to A-Rod's philandering ways, as well as a reminder that Bristol is, in fact, a teenage mom.
3. Neither of these jokes had anything to do with the 14-year-old because, not only is that gross, but it also doesn't make any sense.

I either assumed wrong, or Sarah Palin is not a normal person. She and her supporters are calling for Letterman's head, and Palin suddenly thinks she's heading up NOW.

Sure, it may be in poor taste to make sexual jokes about a young girl, even an 18-year-old, but I doubt there would have been such an uproar had the joke been made about, say, Jamie Lynn Spears. And I'm sure there have been worse jokes made about her...possibly even on this very blog.

As far as the politicians' rally cry of "Don't pick on my family," if they're of age and in the public eye, they're fair game for comedians, talk show hosts, gossip rags, and bloggers. That's just the way it goes. Palin complained to Matt Lauer on Today that Obama's family was never picked on (would that have made her feel better?), but his girls are 8 and 11. They haven't done anything yet that's worth ridiculing! And, come on, it's not like this is something brand new. The Bush girls were constantly skewered on late night TV as hard-partying airheads, and the media made some pretty brutal attacks on Chelsea Clinton's looks.

Sure, Letterman's poorly-researched jokes may have been low blows, but Palin's eagerness to pounce on him and go so far as to suggest that he's a pedophile (or at least a pervert) who condones child rape is even lower. She refused to accept Letterman's explanation that the comments were about Bristol, telling Lauer, "You and anybody else are extremely naive to believe that very convenient excuse." So, it's naive to believe Letterman's totally logical assertion that the joke about one of Palin's daughters getting knocked up was meant for the one who actually did get knocked up, but it makes perfect sense to jump to the conclusion that David Letterman is a pervy old man who thinks raping young girls is hilarious?? Interesting.

At first, Letterman didn't seem to think an apology was in order, but he finally caved. I doubt that will stop the "Fire David Letterman" rally set for tomorrow afternoon, though. It's kind of hard to stop a shitstorm already in progress.

I don't know, I can see Palin's side in that if I had a daughter, I would want to defend her if someone was saying rude things about her. But there were probably a million ways she could have responded to the jokes, all of which would have been better than the way she did.

What do you guys think?

What the effing crap? That angel guy just felt me up

I've seen this going around but never paid any attention to it until a friend whose sense of humor I trust sent it to me with a note that read, This is so blog-worthy. What were they thinking with those 80s videos that we all watched and took very seriously?

I laughed until gold dust fell out of my fancy mask.

The Decapitation of Bret Michaels

Monday morning. Kill me now. The only thing that’s helping me make it through the day are all of the insanely stupid stories being featured on CNN today. Front page stories that include thrilling headlines like “Stephen Colbert gets Military Haircut” or “Ticker: Ears Looked Just like Obama’s, Aide Says.”

By far the most compelling headline of all is “Bret Micheals Hit's Prop at Tony Awards.” What the hell is he doing at the Tony Awards? I mean, sure, he enjoys surrounding himself by drama (case in point: Rock of Love Season 1, Rock of Love Season 2, and Rock of Love: Bus). A bunch of crazy strippers punching each other and pouring salsa in one another’s suitcases is one type of drama, Bret Michaels performing at the Tony Awards is quite another.



I’m kind of pissed that I missed the whole damn thing. I imagine flocks of skanks coming out of wings trying to rescue his bandana and extensions.

Comedy gold…

Thug Life

I've always had really weird dreams. So weird that I think some people think I'm just making it up when I tell them.

I wish someone would invent a machine that could be hooked up to someones brain and record their dreams. Then you could watch them like you're watching TV. If they did, here's what you could have been watching if you were tuned to the Sandy’s Dream Channel last night:

I was in Mexico and I was trapped in a car. I couldn't get out because these dogs were trying to attack me. The dogs finally left and I was able to get out.

Once out of the car though, this gang approached me and they said they were going to kill me. They walk away to prepare themselves and this weird guy approaches me and tells me that I (like him) have the ability to transform into any creature thus helping me defend myself against the gang that's going to kill me.

So the weird guy says, "You can change..just like this"...

He spins around and all of a sudden he looks like Santa Claus. But a disheveled Mexican Santa. Proudly he says, "You see, when the gang comes back, do you really think they're going to want to kill Santa? .....Thinks about it.

"I remember thinking.."What the hell?"....

Then I woke up. True story.

The Subway Cheese Conspiracy

I really hate the way Subway places the cheese on their subs in a stupid overlapping fashion that defies all logic. But some clever internet sleuth with a camera has proven me wrong. There apparently is a logic applied to the madness!



You see?? It's all just a scam to promote orders of extra cheese! Bastards!

So today I got on my high horse and walked to the nearest Subway to order a turkey & cheese, and when the Asian sandwich artist placed my cheddar in the usual overlapping fashion, I said with just a tad of smug self-righteousness, "could you please make sure that the cheese doesn't overlap?"

When she replied, "What?", I wasn't sure if a) she had not heard me, b) she was caught off-guard by my stupid request, or c) I had misjudged her familiarity with the English language.

I repeated my stupid request and she queried, "you want extra cheese?"

"Aha!" I thought, preparing for the subsequent consumer-rights battle in my head. I said, "no, I just want you to flip that middle piece of cheese so that it covers all the bread."

I expected resistance, but she got the best of me by retaining total eye-contact with me as she flippantly flopped that middle piece of cheese, as requested, and pushed the sandwich into the waiting hands of the veggie expert down the line. Her vacant expression and cold stare were the only cues I needed to understand that this battle was not only beneath her, but that I had absolutely no chance of winning regardless.

I walk a little less tall today.

Jon Minus 9

Since IHNIM has it’s finger on the pulse that is everything Pop Culture, I’ve been loosely following the Jon and Kate Plus 8 “controversy” just for you. As a female with no children, I’m not particularly familiar with the show, so I figured it was my duty to do more research and see if there’s something mockable. But man, I really respect Kate now after seeing this video.



She’s deploying her children as though they were slaves! But then acting like she just did it for an adorable TV bit. That’s SO CLEVER. In my apartment, I’m forced to lug around objects and pour my own beverages but meanwhile this woman who has no job just makes her little kids wait on her. Sure, right now it’s lugging gallons of juice, but soon it’ll be adorable trips to rake the leaves or cute adventures in soldering together a table. Oh and the very special vacation episode in which Kate goes to the Bahamas while the kids build and varnish a patio. Then again, based upon half the ethnicity of the children, White Devil Kate may just want a railroad built. It’s genius, I tell you. Genius!

Regarding the adultery though, who cares? Kate needs an, ahem, larger gentleman to fill her stretched out love cave. And Jon needs to get some side trim after Kate’s cooch has been ravaged like that tauntaun that Luke Skywalker slept inside in Star Wars. So hey, let them both roam.

V

Remember the 1980's sci-fi TV series "V"? You don't, oh that's right I was loser and spent Friday nights at home with my parents. It's about and alien invasion of flesh-eating reptilians who take human form known as The Visitors. One of my favorite things to do during the show was to pretend to rip my face off to show my reptile underskin to my little sister. Man that was hilarious, sis didn't think it was so funny.




Anyway, ABC is remaking this shitacular show for the 2009 Fall season. One of the new cast members is Elizabeth Mitchell, Juliette from my favorite show LOST. I know LOST only hs one season left, but did she have to leave LOST and to do the new V? Yeah she did go out with a bang (pun intended) but it would've been nice to see Juliette and Sawyer get together at the finale.

So check out the trailer for the new series and let me know what you think?

Woops...

This morning I was working on a project and needed an image to spice things up a bit. Clipart tends to suck my left one (and not in a good way), so I typically find myself going to Getty Images to illegally download something and use it for work purposes.

Much to my surprised ACCESS DENIED appeared on my screen along with a little message about how the website violated our internet standards. Awesome, red flag has been sent to IT. Why on earth would work put up a firewall against Getty Images? Could it because there are nudie pictures on there? Perhaps that’s what they classify as “inappropriate content.” Crap.

Then I checked the web address again. Um, my bad. Apparently www.gettyinmates.com is NOT okay here, but www.gettyimages.com is okay.

Now I’m dying to find out what the hell kind of stuff they have at that first web address…

The Dating Game

As a 30-some year-old woman, I find it harder and harder to meet single men. There always seems to be something not-quite-right about the ones that I meet. Either they are just coming out of a marriage, are still living at home with mom and dad, have some terrible drinking problem, or are horrible sloppy kissers. Oh, and let’s not forget those emotionally needy, control freaks.

My friends try, they really do. The problem is that there comes a point where your friends begin to believe that they have the “perfect guy” for you. When it comes down to it, the only thing we have in common is that we’re both single. I learned long ago to stop allowing my friends to recommend guys. No thanks. It just saves everyone headaches.

Remember the time that I swore up and down that I would never do online dating again?
And then the time that I said I was going to try it again?

Well, I have officially signed up and am trying to recall what on earth made it seem like a good idea at the time. It’s been about 2 weeks or so, and already I’m considering throwing in the flipping towel.

It seems that, at least so far, I’ve either found guys that are in the process of separating from their wives, those that are still living at home with mom and dad, and those that don’t bother reading my profile where it clearly states that I am NOT interested if they’re over 42.

The other day a 48 year old guy (who was very large and bald) emailed me. I responded with “Thanks for the email. I’m actually looking for someone between 34-42
(I left out the part about how he would have known that if he had bothered to read my profile). Good luck in your search.” I figured it was better than just deleting the message and not saying anything.

Know how this jack hole responded? “sorry you feel that way..goodluck to you as well..you just might need it with that attitude.”

No wonder that d bag is still single

Cinco de Mayo...

It’s a magical day today. A day where we should all spend our time mowing the lawn, washing dishes, cleaning hotel rooms, and drinking overpriced Mexican beer. That’s right, kids, it’s Cinco de Mayo. I’ll be home this evening wearing my sombrero and surround myself with bean burritos.

Ole!

As your Cinco treat, I'm sharing a Mexican hotty with you. People of earth, feast your eyes on Eduardo Verastegui.



Actor, model, and future star of my active (imaginary) sex life.

See, there are good things that come out of Mexico. Not just influenza and crappy beer.

Christian Bale takes his kid to the dentist

25 Random (and Untrue) Things About Me

1. My sister once killed a moose with her bare hands.

2. I had a two year relationship with the only legally-blind United States Governor.

3. I taught Dane Cook everything he knows (sorry everyone)

4. I speak 14 different languages, but no one has heard of them.

5. My dad invented the spork, but lost the rights to the patent in a poker game.

6. I once convinced Kurt Warner to convert to Islam, but it only lasted one day after he found out that I tricked him and that Muslims don’t actually get free toppings at Pizza Hut.

7. For ten years, I successfully predicted the outcome of every Super Bowl to the exact final score - until I started putting money on them.

8. If you rearrange the letters in my full name, it spells a word that means “hairdresser to the stars” in Swahili.

9. I taught Kanye West everything he knows (sorry everyone).

10. When I was 9 years old, I once farted The Alphabet Song on an unaired episode of The Gong Show.

11. Stan Lee, creator of Spider-Man, helped my mom deliver me in the back of a 1975 Volkswagon on Haight & Ashbury in San Franciso.

12. I once beat up former UFC champion, but only after the horse tranqulizers kicked in.

13. I taught Lars Ulrich of Metallica everything he knows (I can’t apologize enough for that one).

14. From ages 8 to 13 I was able to telepathically communicate with ferrets until I got hit by an ice cream truck.

15. Despite what you have been lead to believe, this entire financial crisis began because of a bad check I wrote to a Shell station in Meridian, Idaho for $7.32.

16. I once slapped a man so hard he changed his name.

17. Every man I have ever slept with but not been in a relationship with has gone on to run for public office.

18. Because of an injury to my brain I am unable to spell the word “dgdtehdh” (that’s not how you spell it)

19. Paris Hilton once had the potential to be a scientist in the field of biochemistry until we went out for shots of Patron that one time.

20. I convinced Radio Shack to change their slogan to “You Got Questions, We’ve Got Answers” from their previous slogan “What The Hell Do You Want From Us?!”

21. As a child, my parents would not only tell me that gypsies left me on their doorstep, but would go into great detail about the lengths they went to find said gypsies and make them take me back.

22. I once spent the night in jail for pushing a midget down the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

23. I am allergic to orange wallpaper.

24. Everyone in my extended family over the age of 40 has been a professional wrestler at one point in their lives.

25. I was once legally married to a squid for thirty-two minutes

Online Dating...

In the beginning of 2009, I mentioned I'd give online dating another shot. Well it's been three weeks and nothing really promising to report. Actually it's pretty bad, traumatizing if you will. You know how sometimes when you have a traumatic experience you block it from your memory, but sometimes you’ve done such a good job at blocking the terrible memory that you go and put yourself into the EXACT same situation that causes the memory in the first place and then you end up having flashbacks and nightmares and the next thing you know you’ve got tin foil on all of your windows and the only place you feel safe is in the bathtub while you’re wearing your high heels a tiara and your favorite apron? Online dating is kind of like that for me.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I sign up with a site, have a terrible experience, close out my account, and then a few months go by. Sometimes I’m hit on by old men, sometimes by those that can’t form a coherent sentence, and other times I end up with someone like the Dentist from hell.

Let me share some examples. I’ve gone ahead and made a nice collage of some of the “gentlemen” that are interested in meeting me. Hmm…which one would you choose?



Shall we go for the one that he’s going to molest all the children in my family? Hmm…or maybe for the one that looks like he’s trying to “mad pimp”? Nah, how about for T. Rex (named because of his teeny tiny little arms)? Or maybe we’ll just go for the young Fat Bastard? So many options to choose from…

Perhaps I should just stop being so shallow and go ahead and get to know someone that has mastered the English Language:

About Me
I‘m humorous, sincerity, honesty and speak clear to the point. I love talking to people and a visionary and futuristic. I am gracious, humble and intelligent. I am playful, caring and very caring personally. In actuality, I am a very diverse individual with many interest, talents and desires. I enjoy researching and balancing life. I believe in being attracted to each other for balanced chemistry and will become hopeless romantic when it happens. I enjoy walking a lot. I like a variety of ethnic foods. My favorite vacation spots are places with plenty to do in an exotic environment and like living a magical life which includes holding hands, sharing time and fond glances often, and life pregnant with communication among other things. I look forward to when I shall be connected in mind and heart with a lady I’ll name First Lady. I’m interested in a physically, spiritual and mentally whole lady who is romantically savvy, growing from friendship, companionship to love! I am open to be with someone who mutually cares and respects. Someone who would desire meeting a down to earth personality which my friends say is my hallmark. She should be honest, sincere, fun loving, sensitive, and a passionate person and must be much smarter than the average. I am seeking someone who is goal oriented and believes that any and all things are possible. Who is interested in true love and is a hopeless romantic. My partner to be must be genuine, sincere, outgoing, cheerful, optimistic and intelligent.

I don’t know about you, but I’m totally digging a life that’s “pregnant with communication”. What the hell does that mean??

Next time I decide to try online dating, can you please shake me until my ears bleed and then show me this post? Thanks!

Friday night alone with Yoda

**this was to post Friday night, but blogspot decided tobe a bitch and give me error messages everytime I tried to hit the Publish Post button...better late than never right**


Here we are on a Friday night, and guess who’s home? Alone? In front of the TV? Again?

On the plus side, there’s no Star Wars going on anywhere in my house. Oh no, dear friends. Today I’m watching repeats of Law & Order: SVU in hopes that it’s an episode where Chris Meloni takes his shirt off. So hot…

Oh, and did I mention I’m watching Yoda videos?



one more...




I love it when he’s saying he has bitches coming over. And the drunk dialing is hilarious.

I need to get a life in the worst way. Pretty sure that admitting to the public that I’m staying at home on a Friday watching Star Wars and watching Yoda video is not going to get me laid.

Rock of Love: Bus Crash

If you’re not watching this show, you should be. There has never, ever been anything on TV like “Rock of Love: Bus”. Yeah, yeah, I know this is the 3rd season, but you can’t imagine the kind of stuff that goes on here. The girls on the show make Tila Tequila look like an old school marm. These girls are a mess. Lord only knows which rocks these young “ladies” are coming from.
I now present you with the top 10 reasons that you should be watching this show.

-A combined IQ of 100,
-46 fake breasts,
-Girl fight in the first 10 minutes of the show,
-Bret Michaels makes out with a girl, 2 minutes after she pukes,
-You can meet an aspiring Madam,
-Did I mention there’s a girl fight that involves strangling?
-There’s an ex pornstar on the show…who is needy as sin and enjoys crying for no reason,
-You know it’s gotta be good when a Penthouse Pet of the year is among the most conservative of the bunch,
-The trainwreck that is “DJ Lady Tribe” reading off the original rap she wrote for Bret Michaels…on the back of a sheet of paper that has the word HERPES printed across the top.

and the number 1 reason you should be watching “Rock of Love: Bus” is: 2 words, cooter shooter.

Oh, and kids, this list is only taking into account the first episode of this season. I didn’t even mention the past-her-prime porn store sharing her FIVE pages of wedding vows or sobbing like her baby had just died when she didn’t win the date from the first challenge.

When "Going Green = Seeing Red!

I just threw up in my mouth a little, no really. Damn it, why did I have to be eating a snack? Vomit taste in my mouth. YUCK!

Like I do most days at work, I was fooling around on the internet. Long story short, I ended up on the Etsy site. If you’ve never seen it before, you should go - right after you finish reading this post. It’s essentially on online marketplace for tons of great homemade goodies. Also some not-so-great homemade goodies. Either because the items have zero usage or because they’re as ugly as sin.

Anyway, being the environmentally responsible citizen I pretend that I am (she types just after drinking from her plastic straw in her Styrofoam cup), I’m looking for some reusable sandwich baggies. I freaking hate throwing so many plastic bags away each year. Such an incredible waste.
So there I was happily perusing the search results from my “reusable” search term when I suddenly stumbled on these: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6752034

Can you tell what it is? Let me give you a hint. Here’s the description: ”Nice to Your Ladybits and to Mother Nature’s!”

I just threw up, again.

People, these are reusable menstrual pads. That means, that you bleed all over them and then you wash them and then you use them again. Just threw up some more. That is gross! Look, I’m all for not generating a ton of waste (which is why I use tampons that are biodegradable) but THIS is just too far!

There are 2 major problems with this:

1. Menstrual pads are gross as sin. You’re basically sitting in your own blood and they stick to you and then they wad up and you leak and I still have terrible nightmares from when I first got my period and had to use pads and would wake up soaked in my own blood and the thought is making me sick and probably you sick too and we should just stop here.

2. If you look closely at the image, you’ll see that there are little pictures of sugar bowls and other baking implements. This print is all wrong! And don’t even get me started on the one with the ants!

Okay, maybe I’m being too judgemental here. Maybe I should join the green revolution and just buy some and start wearing them (yuck) to save the planet.

No. Can’t do it.

But if you choose to do it, by all means. I’ll be honest with you here, this seller is actually a genius. There are people that take “going green” to a whole different level who would love to use these. If you’re one of them, here’s to you for loving the planet way more than I do.

Brilliant Ideas

At one point a few months back I created a text file on my computer and named it "Brilliant Ideas". I planned to use it to document the millions of untamed brilliant ideas that float through my head on a daily basis.

You could call them inventions, I suppose, but my Brilliant Idea Text File wasn't actually meant to explain how these inventions could be actualized. That wasn't the point. My job was to be the brilliant idea guy. I figured I could pay some grunt to do the dirty work if necessary. Eventually, these inventions would lead to my becoming a millionaire. The Brilliant Idea Text File was itself a brilliant idea.

A few months later the Brilliant Idea Text File had a total of three supposedly brilliant ideas in it. I reviewed it today and realized that I might want to hold off on my plans of becoming a millionaire.

For example: one idea was to invent a nightlight that flashed and blinked in a certain fashion in order to mimic a TV screen, so that if you went away on vacation you could simply turn on your TV Nightlight® and any lurking burglar would think that someone was always home and enjoying some television. But upon re-evaluation of this idea, I realized that an actual TV on a timer could accomplish the same trick, and would most likely use up the same amount of energy. Not such a brilliant idea after all.

One of my other brilliant ideas was much more practical. Basically, someone needs to invent frost-free glass for grocery stores so that after some dumb lady in the frozen dinner aisle stands in front of an open freezer for five minutes picking out her Lean Cuisines, the door doesn't frost over making it impossible for any subsequent shoppers to see their frozen entree options without having to open the damn freezer and stand in the cold for five minutes themselves.

This would have come in particularly handy for me the other day after I found myself in that exact situation in front of a frosted over freezer door at the grocery store. Due to the fact that a previous customer had stood with the freezer door open for far too long, I was forced to hold my grocery basket in one hand and the door open with the other in order to see the available Lean Cuisine selections. When I saw my beloved Thai-Style Chicken, I let go of the freezer door and reached wantonly for the box, causing the door to bonk against my head with a dull thud sound. This would have been no big deal had my hair not been damp from the rain and the door not been frosted, because when I went to stand up I realized my head was partially frozen to the door.

Rather than hang there awkwardly and whine like Flick from A Christmas Story with his tongue stuck to a metal pole, I stood up quickly to avoid any attention from fellow shoppers, leaving a few strands of my hair stuck to the inside of the freezer door. It was kinda gross in a food-and-hair-don't-mix kind of way, but I had to hightail it out of there before anyone saw me in such a vulnerable position. The hair is probably still there as I type.

Now granted, this story is probably not typical, but I still think it's a viable idea. Someone needs to invent frost-free glass asap. I don't care if it requires someone to break the laws of physics to accomplish, they just need to get it done. I don't even need any credit for the idea. I'm giving that one out as a freebie. And dust-repellent candles would be nice while you're at it, too.

Man, that was a long way to go just to say "I got my head stuck to a grocery store freezer door", but whatever.

Dating Resolution

If you’re like most people, you’re probably nursing a pretty bad case of the cocktail flu (hangover) this week. Ahh, the sweet sweet joys of New Year’s Day. There we all were last night celebrating the coming new year, drinking a mix of wine, vodka, beer and coffee liqueor, fighting with Belltown bitches for a cab at 2:00 am and making all those resolutions to make our lives better.

The New Year’s resolution: our chance to do something differently in hopes that life will be better in the new year. I find that the second I make one, I find myself breaking it on New Year’s Day. Let’s take that resolution to lose 20 pounds - that’s pretty much out the window when I inhaled McDonalds, 4 donuts, a 2 liter of Coke, and some leftover Christmas cookies on New Year’s Day. I usually don’t make resolutions, but I’ve decided to give them another go. This time, however, it’s going to be different. I can just feel it.

I’m not going to fool myself into believing that I’m actually going to lose 20 pounds, or go to the gym 5 days a week, or find a new job, or clean my bathroom every week, or go back to school, or stop mocking people. Instead, I’m going to focus my resolutions on dating.

Those of you that know me personally, you know that I have some pretty awful luck when it comes to dating. If I’m not busy making a bad decision that ends up with me in tears. I know, I know, I’ve picked some winners in the past. Well, that’s all about to change thanks to my 3 resolutions:

1. Dating.Com: Most of my friends are married, and they never have any available hot single men to introduce me to. Instead, I find that I hang my hopes on some random encounter when I’m out on the weekends. I’ve had little luck with this. I’ve taken a stab at online dating, but haven’t really taken it seriously. It’s about time I caught up with the rest of the world. I’m signing up for a minimum of 6 months with one of the big online dating services. I’m going to write that kick ass profile (really I’m just going to dust it off because it’s already pretty kick ass), find those cute pics, and I’m going to date at least one person a month. If it doesn’t work out, at least you all will have a wonderful story to read.

2. Snap Judgements: It’s probably a shocker to believe, but I’m quick to judge. I know within the first 5 seconds if I’m willing to give someone a shot. In some cases, I end up with losers (like the one that lied to me about being single, bedded me, and then sent me a Christmas card informing me that he had had a girlfriend when we were busy knocking boots). We can also assume that I’m probably letting some good ones slip through my fingers. As of today, I’m saying no to the 5 second rule. It no longer applies to men, only to food that’s fallen on the floor.

3. Make Out Sessions in Cars: I’m voting no on this one. Thinking back over the last 2 years, I can’t think of a single make out session in a parked car that ended up with anything more than a bad memory and driving around Tacoma wondering where the hell I was. Sure, it makes for a good story, but I have to live with knowing that I made out in a bar parking lot with some tool that owns a muscle car. That’s just shameful!! From now on, unless we’re parked outside my house at the end of a promising date and he’s going to be coming in the house for some “coffee”, I’m not making out in cars anymore. Unless the guy is really hot and is gainfully employed.