When I grow up

There are many things in my life that remind me that I am getting older and (slowly!!) approaching my Golden Years:

1) People who were born in 1990 are turning 18 this year. They have been driving for 2 years and can vote. (I was a sophomore in high school in 1990. That seems like FOREVER ago. I had a perm and pinned my pants. Neither were a good idea.)

2) My gray hair recently seems hell-bent on conquering the entire area of my head thus making me go to the salon more often. (Thank goodness I don't dye my hair blue ... yet.)

3) I make an "oof" sound when I stand up. And several joints make tree-snapping/cracking noises. (And I ALWAYS comment on it like it's the first time it's ever happened.)
And finally...

4) I realize that I own many age-inappropriate things that weren't so age-inappropriate a few years ago. Like hoodies, stuffed animals (all doggies!) and... the latest track titled "When I Grow Up" from The Pussycat Dolls on iTunes.*

*For those of you unfamiliar with the song which would be anybody who A) is over 18 and B) sane, please take a gander at the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gvcpb4_7ZQ

"When I Grow Up" is at best described as "stupid and incredibly catchy like an STD." You don't want to own it, but eventually you got it and there's nothing you can do about it. Even the free clinic can't help you on this one. This is what you get for paying 99 cents. However, I digress...
When listening to this (insipid) song, I realized that I'm old (but refined) because the chorus makes me blush. Said chorus is as follows (as best I can tell from listening to the lyrics with my old-ass ears that have a ring in them from too many days blasting my Madonna on my Walk-man back in the day):

When I grow up!
I want to be famous! I want to be a star! I want to be in movies!
When I grow up!
I wanna see the world! Drive nice cars! I want to have boobies!
When I grow up!
Be on TV! People know me! Be in magazines!
When I grow up!
Fresh and clean! Number one chick when I step out on the scene!

BAHH! So many issues!!

1) "Boobies" is one of my least favorite words. Just typing it sends me into a snit-fit. It's ranks right up there with "hump" and "apps" (short for appetizers). So every time I hear them sing the "B" word, I blush and sing, "I wanna see the world! Drive nice cars! I want to have LALALLALAA!"

2) "Fresh and clean"? Really? That's a goal from when you were a child? Were you raised in a barn or did the lyricist see one too many Summer's Eve commercials growing up?

3) This NEED to be famous. Why? I like being able to go outside without being mobbed. I like that I can buy tampons and nobody is around to report it to Perez Hilton. (He would so draw mean cartoony on me too! I know how he rolls!)

Pussycat Dolls, why have you glamorized paparazi attention? You're just wishing crazy people into your life and face it, your personal assistant is going to have to spend A LOT of time down at the courthouse filing restraining orders for you. Really? Is this the life you want for your personal assistant, Pussycat Dolls? IS IT? Sheesh.

(And just for the record, I know, that A) I enjoy writing lists and overuse them in blogs and B) that I'm a butterscotch away from a stint at a nursing home. I understand this!)

I can assure you that NONE of these lyrics were what I was thinking when I was growing up. NOT EVEN CLOSE. I was way too nerdy and scared of... well, everything. My lyrics would have gone more like this:

When I grow up!
I'll be 18! Wanna go to college! I want an excellent GPA!
When I grow up!
I want to have an apartment! Live in a city! Never date a hole-of-A!
When I grow up!
Write for TV! Eat bacon all the time! Wear lots of hoodies!
When I grow up!
Organized and clean! And labels on all my goodies!

See? Very different from what these "dolls" were thinking when they were kids. Very different. (I couldn't rhyme "Be Mrs. Ralph Macchio" in there or I would have included that...)
I can only imagine what the dreams of our youngsters are today. I have a feeling that this might close:

When I grow up!
I wanna retire at 18! Skip a degree! I wanna live without smog!
When I grow up!
I wanna hybrid car that flies! I want a really bitchin' breast aug!
When I grow up!
Paris will be Queen! Nicole VP! Brad Pitt will be the First Man!
When I grow up!
Be a billionaire! Countless things to wear! Cancer free tan!

Anybody want to share a villa at an assisted living community with me? All I ask is that you I) clean up after yourself, II) don't steal my hoodies and III) bring your own butterscotches. OOOF! (Wow, did an oak fall over or what?)

Sigh...