Shit That Makes Me Cry

I'm getting fucking weepy as I get older.Seriously, it's like every new chin hair is a little electrical wire that leads from the outside world straight into my heart.It happens on the bus when I'm reading US Magazine and unwittingly flip to an ad for one of those cleft palate charities. It happens at work when I check CNN and stumble across their requisite horrific violent crime of the day. Hell, it even happens when I'm watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey, and Teresa tells Dina that she wants her to be the godmother of her two day-old baby, who is already bedecked with enough spangles and bows to make Johnny Weir seethe with jealousy.

What happens is that my emotional gag reflex kicks in, fast and furious. Imaging someone trying to hold back vomit, and now imagine that the vomit is actually tears. Now imagine that person letting out a strangled gasp that sounds kind of like a parrot imitating someone gargling. Now imagine that this person is sitting next to you on a crowded bus I know -- I AM SO CHARMING.

Anyway, in honor of my newfound hormonal imbalance, I decided to make a list of some embarrassing things that make me cry other than the song "With or Without You" by U2.

Ahem...

When Zack and Kelly break up on Saved By the Bell while, in the background, Jesse and Slater do a lip-synch duet to Michael Bolton's "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You."

The Captain and Tennille of Zack Attack, ladies and gentlemen.

Looking at other people's ultrasounds... even if those people are total strangers (Note: I am talking about the old-fashioned black and white 2-D ones, not the creepy 3-D sepia ones that make the fetus look like it's been sculpted in cheese -- um, no offense, parents-to-be.)

The end of An American Tail. ("Fievel?" "Papa!" brings out the full-on ugly cry.)

When people get "revealed" to their family and friends on fashion makeover shows. (The sight of someone's formerly dumpy loved one finally getting a clue and wearing a bias-cut skirt has the same effect on me as chopping onions, apparently.)

The Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commerical (And I don't even like Sarah McLachlan OR cats OR the song "Angel", dammit. And I will tell you exactly why I don't like them as soon as I blow my nose. I'm not crying. It's just raining ... on my face.)

When Gene Wilder loses his shit at Charlie in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the 1971 version, thankyouverymuch -- Johnny Depp's Michael Jackson impression freaks me out) after Charlie and Grandpa Joe break the rules.

"What are wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you: no wire hangers EVER!?"

This last one I think is not so much from sadness, but rather fright mixed with sympathy for Charlie's crushing loss of a lifetime supply of candy. That is rough, dude.