I blame Gordon Gecko...

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson warned congressional leaders of a dire economic future if the $700 billion Wall Street bailout isn't approved quickly.

Here are some of their predictions:

-A credit crunch for business and consumers.
-The American economy could grind to a halt.
-A crazed madman from outer space will destroy the earth with a single laser beam.
-Blood will rain from the sky.
-Locust will cover the ground, every crop and every tree.
-Firebreathing hellhounds will crawl from the San Andreas fault and devour children everywhere.
-Giant armies of Robot Nazis will control entire cities, crushing everything in their path.
-Everyone will be ritualistically sodomized.
-God will throw lightening bolts at every man, woman and child until all are dead.
-The undead will feast on the living.
-The human race will gradually devolve into a species of mole people living underground as flames destroy the earth above.
-A Jesus-like madman will lead a massive doomsday cult into power.
-Everyone will die.

The $700 billion Wall Street bailout is mind boggling and difficult to comprehend. To better understand this number, I offer these simple comparisons:

-$700 billion can buy about 140 billion Squirmle toys.
-Imagine every person on Earth receiving a check for about $116.65.
-Or every American getting $2,333.
-With $700 billion, you could buy all the following countries: Niue, Tuvalu, Kiribati, Anguilla, São Tomé and Príncipe, The Marshall Islands, Palau, The Cook Islands, Tonga, Micronesia, Dominica, American Samoa, Guinea-Bissau, The Solomon Islands, Samoa, Comoros, Vanuatu, East Timor, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Grenada and the Northern Mariana Islands.
-Or you could just buy Chad. Or combine Lichtenstein and Malawi.
-You also could bargain for Madagascar.
-You could buy seven Iraqs with $700 billion.
-Instead of bailing out Wall Street, you could buy 650 new Yankee Stadiums.
-If you lined up $700 billion end to end, it would stretch to the sun and burn.
-$700 billion would weigh about 210,000,000,000 pounds.
-You could wrap $700 billion around the equator 8,000 times. But someone might take it.
-You could buy just under 700 stealth bombers with $700 billion.
-With $700 billion, you could buy 24,137,931,034 Thanksgiving sweaters on eBay for $29 each. You would still have about $14 left over.
-You could also buy 155,555,555,555 matching Thanksgiving sweaters for your 7,000,000,000 American Girl dolls.
-With $700 billion, you could give two Wii's and a couple games to everyone in North America.
-If you like baseball - you could buy premium season ticket seats for the Seattle Mariners for the next 160 million years

Dear Random Black Kid Giving Me the Stinkeye in an Online Ad for Life Insurance,

You've got a lot to learn about the world, son. If you start caring about every little thing, like whether complete strangers have life insurance, you're not going to have enough time to focus on what's really important: you. You've got to really run over yourself with a fine-tooth comb - and don't skip the naughty bits, either, because there are usually a lot of creatures there that can only be caught by a fine-tooth comb or fire, and trust me, you're going to want to take option 1 there.

Anyway, after years of narcissism, you may finally be where I am now: far too self-involved to ever love another human being. And that helps you streamline your life process so that you don't waste a lot of time on other people, worrying about whether they've got life insurance or not, or frankly, caring whether they live or die.

You've got a lot of growing up to do, sir. Just make sure you quit eye-effing strangers like me about trivial crap, or you won't live long enough to do it. I'm not the type to hold a grudge, because once again, time spent thinking about other people is always time wasted, but most other folks aren't so enlightened.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go serenade me with a love song I wrote for myself.

Sincerely,
Me

WHAT?!!!??

Clay Aiken is gay.

Yep, I just found out this morning. I had no clue. Now what? How do I pick up the pieces and move on? Yeesh.

There are a lot of celebrities out there that are gay that no one realizes.

Elton John for one. Liberace was gay also. Ellen Degeneres? Gay. George Michael, perhaps thought of as the world’s manliest man - is also gay. KD Lang? Vegetarian. And gay.

How about Chuck Norris? Gay. Steven Segal? Likes Asian boys. Jon Bon Jovi occasionally has his anus entered by gentlemen. No biggie.

In fact, I’m pretty sure EVERY celebrity is gay. Do you think John Wayne swaggered like that because he was tough? No, he swaggered like that in his movies because the previous night before filming was spent frolicking with dark Italian men in vats full of pink jello.

I for one prefer it that way. I wish more people were gay, maybe smoking would still be acceptable in restaurants if more gay people owned them. Public washrooms might be a lot cleaner, and if more city mayors were gay, there would probably be a lot more flowers in public places. And more flowers in public places means that it’s a lot easier for me to get my mom a bouquet for mother’s day.

Also, every gay person I’ve met has been pretty awesome and chillax (LOVE YOU AE). I bet spilling a cup of coffee on a gay person’s brand new carpet is nothing to them compared to them telling their father that he’s probably never going to have grandchildren. I’m pretty sure that coming out of the closet has a big way of putting trivial issues into perspective.

I bet Jesus was gay. Who did he surround himself with? A bunch of men. Did he get married? Nope, he never even had a girlfriend as far as we know. If he were straight, for SURE the Bible would be full of quotes like, “My brothers, I decree that last night thouest truly did bang twelve hot Sodomites in El Casa de Awesomness,” or, “Take a wild guess which Son of God got a B.J. during the sermon on the mount? THIS Son of God, Amen!”

Jesus made water into wine for God’s sakes - if he were straight he would have made water into Budweiser or whiskey. He also walked everywhere, if he were a heterosexual he probably would have drove a big massive truck from place to place, preaching and firing “Christianity Rocks” t-shirts from a big air cannon mounted in the back.

Also when Jesus came back from the dead, the first thing he did was carry on his mission. If he were a straight guy, he would have probably given up on the whole preaching business and went and worked on his restored Trans Am in the garage instead. Cause a straight guy would rather do anything than walk around talking to strange people and improving himself, especially when pain of death may be involved.

Anyways, that’s about all I have to say about gay people for right

It's My Birthday

It's true. One year closer to Death. Yay for me.

If you really care, you'll send me a some e-card

Or, buy me this

"Really? you're saying to yourself, "I didn't know you were a DJ!" I'm not, but I think I would be good at it and it would look good in my bedroom - you know, that mystical place where I make the magic happen.**

In honour*** of me getting older, here's a list of things I've noticed about me that I am old-ish. Warning: I know most of you think I shit rainbows and butterflies (and you'd be right), but the following list ain't pretty. But really, it shows how much I love you that I can share so much about me, right?

There was a time when I didn't understand half of what the hell was happening on MTV. Now, I don't get half the shit that happens on VH-1.

I no longer remember anything that happened in high school.**** Granted, this is likely due to the systematic voluntary willingness to forget it, but still...

True story: I was driving from Seattle to Tacoma a few weeks ago and heard a lovely song on the radio and thought "Hmm, I kinda like this and the voice sounds familiar but I can't place it." It turned out to be CELINE DION, people. Celine fucking Dion!!!!

A hangover, when I get them, now last about a month. I'm still recovering from shit I did in April.

And can someone please once and for all tell me what the hell a Hollaback Girl is? Is it a good thing or a bad thing? If I was young, I would know such things.

I'm contemplating not dressing up for Halloween this year.

** And by "magic" I of course mean eating Dick's Delux Burger while watching HGTV and Bravo on Friday & Saturday nights, talking to my John Cusack voodo doll, and crying myself to sleep. But only sometimes.

*** It's my birthday and if I want to pretend I am a subject of the Queen, I will.

**** Aside from the occassional flashback of beratement and belittlement from teachers and classmates, of course.

I'll have the spicy tuna roll...

The other night I had a conversation with one my friends in Boise. We were discussing our ex's. The conversation first started out by discussing how bad they were for us and soon escaliated to their gross and disgusting habits. Well I think my friend had the best story of them all.

Let's call her Skanky, she’s epitomizes klassy with a k. I never really liked her and knew she was gross after the 2nd time I met her. He liked her, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. You may think that I’m just being harsh, or jealous of this girl, but you are very wrong. This girl could have been crowned queen of the trailer park. She would have received her very own rhinestone tiara with a big fat K for Klassy (not classy) in the middle. Let me highlight for you why she is such a dirty skank (WARNING: I hope you're not eating sushi while you read this)


My friend, let's call him Jay, used to live in a 2 bedroom apartment and he had the master suite. The suite was set up with a bathroom that had the toilet and shower, however, the sink was located in the bedroom (between the bathroom and the closet). On the random occasion where they would “make the sweet love”, she would ask him to go down on her. If he said yes, which he usually would, she would jump out of bed, throw her leg up on the sink, and splash water on her naughty bits, then she’d run back to bed. I understand the idea of being clean, but I’m pretty sure that most partners don’t want to see us “cleansing” ourselves in such a matter (am I wrong here?). Anyway, on one occasion, she asked him if she “smelled”. He was honest and said that she could be cleaner. Her response was (wait for it), “If you order tuna, you’re going to get tuna.” Klassy.

Skank didn’t like to be alone, not even when she went to the bathroom. In the event that nature called, she would go into the bathroom, leave the door open and ask Un-boyfriend to talk with her-even if she was dropping the kids off at the pool (so to speak). One day when she was through, she asked him if he had a coat hanger. When he asked her why, she told him that “it” wouldn’t flush. Not only did he give her the coat hanger, but he had to help her shove “it” down the toilet. Klassy. If you ask me, people should live their entire lives without ever having to help someone else get “it” to flush down the toilet.

Sadly, their relationship ended. That’s another story unto itself, we’ll save it for a rainy day. The next time I'm in Boise and we go out for sushi, I'll remind him that “if you order tuna, you’re going to get tuna.” He'll never order it.

what an adult text message conversation looks like

My equally sharpwitted gal pal CF and I text messaging while watching the Olympic track events:



CF: Guess what Walter Dix's middle name is?

ME: Harry

CF: No, silly. It's Gottabigone. Betch didn't know he was Italian.

ME: I thought he was Jewish...Walter Bignblack Dix

CF: Huh, maybe you're right

ME: It's actually Sockinshortz!

CF: Ah you kill me!



There is nothing like giving ethnic names to athlete's wangs to show your support to the US Olympic team!

Potential Mood Killers

Many women out there have a number of irrational fears about men and how picky they are. I've heard plenty of my girlfriends say things like, "If you don't put on your pants and leave now, I'm going to press charges." Other, less litigious women say things like, "I wanted to invite him back home, but my house is such a mess!" To which men say: "Do you have boobs? Then he won't notice."

However, there are a few things that are dealbreakers. Here are a list of things – in increasing order – that might kill the mood, were you bringing some dude over to your place for the 8 second pantsless rodeo.

- Piles of dirty laundry
- Precious Moments figurines
- Above-ground swimming pool*
- More than 4 cats
- Shrieking wraiths indicating place was built on ancient Indian burial ground
- More than 8 cats
- Bookshelf with Eat Pray Love on it
- Guy in a gimp mask chained to the radiator
- Creepy collage of pictures of the guy you've invited over with his eyes scratched out in every picture
- Basement dungeon
- House-encompassing collection of porcelain dolls arranged in strange patterns, like pentagrams - Pile of dead hobos
- First-floor dungeon**
- Your angry, gun-wielding husband
- Your angrier, knife-wielding ex-husband
- Freezer full of internal organs/heads- Freezer with room for one more set of organs/severed head

* "Hi, White. Have you met Trash? You guys would be great together."
**When you're too lazy to hide your dungeon underground, you're trouble.