I blame Gordon Gecko...

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson warned congressional leaders of a dire economic future if the $700 billion Wall Street bailout isn't approved quickly.

Here are some of their predictions:

-A credit crunch for business and consumers.
-The American economy could grind to a halt.
-A crazed madman from outer space will destroy the earth with a single laser beam.
-Blood will rain from the sky.
-Locust will cover the ground, every crop and every tree.
-Firebreathing hellhounds will crawl from the San Andreas fault and devour children everywhere.
-Giant armies of Robot Nazis will control entire cities, crushing everything in their path.
-Everyone will be ritualistically sodomized.
-God will throw lightening bolts at every man, woman and child until all are dead.
-The undead will feast on the living.
-The human race will gradually devolve into a species of mole people living underground as flames destroy the earth above.
-A Jesus-like madman will lead a massive doomsday cult into power.
-Everyone will die.

The $700 billion Wall Street bailout is mind boggling and difficult to comprehend. To better understand this number, I offer these simple comparisons:

-$700 billion can buy about 140 billion Squirmle toys.
-Imagine every person on Earth receiving a check for about $116.65.
-Or every American getting $2,333.
-With $700 billion, you could buy all the following countries: Niue, Tuvalu, Kiribati, Anguilla, São Tomé and Príncipe, The Marshall Islands, Palau, The Cook Islands, Tonga, Micronesia, Dominica, American Samoa, Guinea-Bissau, The Solomon Islands, Samoa, Comoros, Vanuatu, East Timor, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Grenada and the Northern Mariana Islands.
-Or you could just buy Chad. Or combine Lichtenstein and Malawi.
-You also could bargain for Madagascar.
-You could buy seven Iraqs with $700 billion.
-Instead of bailing out Wall Street, you could buy 650 new Yankee Stadiums.
-If you lined up $700 billion end to end, it would stretch to the sun and burn.
-$700 billion would weigh about 210,000,000,000 pounds.
-You could wrap $700 billion around the equator 8,000 times. But someone might take it.
-You could buy just under 700 stealth bombers with $700 billion.
-With $700 billion, you could buy 24,137,931,034 Thanksgiving sweaters on eBay for $29 each. You would still have about $14 left over.
-You could also buy 155,555,555,555 matching Thanksgiving sweaters for your 7,000,000,000 American Girl dolls.
-With $700 billion, you could give two Wii's and a couple games to everyone in North America.
-If you like baseball - you could buy premium season ticket seats for the Seattle Mariners for the next 160 million years