Wax on, Wax off

If you are male, I implore you to click away. Please go. This is not the post for you. I will be discussing delicate areas you do not want to know about. You have been warned.

For the past four years or so, I have worn a skirtini for my poolside ensemble. (I’m sure you can imagine my dismay when I realized a skirtini is a bathing suit, not a drink.) That little skirt hides quite a bit: the fat hiding on my thighs, and butt, and, yes, the fact that I don’t like to shave north of my knees. I don’t like to shave, period. This year,though, I figured I would go for the bikini wax. You know, as a treat to myself. Or a blog post at the very least.

“Hello, Becky. My name is Sandy. I’ve never done this before. I’m a little nervous and embarrassed about what’s going on down there. You’ll have to tell me what I need to do.”

Innocuous enough, I suppose, but it was the beginning of what may be the most uncomfortable 20 minutes I’ve ever had.

“Don’t worry about it. It’ll be fine,” Becky breezed. “Just put on these disposable panties and I’ll be right back.”

She handed me a plastic package with the same dimensions of a tampon. Because I am really a 12-year-old boy, I squeezed all the air from one end of the package to the other until I heard a satisfying *pop* then tried to find the hole so I could liberate my transitional panties. I could not find the hole.

I tried to use my fingernails to make another hole. No luck.

Finally, worried that I was taking entirely too long to separate the panties from their plastic confines, I used my teeth to tear open the package–because I was in a spa and I’m klassy like that.

What I was left with was a piece of elastic and two pieces of tissue paper that were each the width of three of my fingers. It reminded me of the time we went to Zumanity in Las Vegas and we saw two 350lb women in see-through body stockings handing out chocolate-covered strawberries. Why? Because I was pretty sure I was going to look just as good in this flimsy excuse of a g-string as those women in Vegas did. Even though no one would see me but Becky, I was mortified. It just ain’t fittin, it just ain’t fittin! (Props to you if you can name the movie, the character, and the situation.)

Becky finally reappeared and asked what we were doing. I just wanted the traditional bikini wax–no lightning bolts, landing strips, or countries for me, thanks.

So she got to work. Or tried to. She had to stop, get the scissors, and trim. Y’all. I told you I hate to shave. It had been at least two years since I had ventured into this territory. I was mortified for the second time in five minutes. This was going very well, indeed.

Becky was finally able to find some skin on which to paste the warm wax. She suggested I pull the skin taught around it so it would be easier (less painful?) for her to pull off.

First strip! Ugh. Similar to having the brows waxed. Not the worst thing I’ve ever encountered.

Second strip! Hey. I thought you just did that part. At least it didn’t really hurt this time.

Third strip! Holy hell! What the fuck are you doing to me? Is that blood? Is this payback for having to trim before you scar me for life? Please, for the love of Pete, stop!

In her sweetest voice, Becky asked, “Are you still doing OK?”

“Thank you, sir!” I choked out. “May I have another?”

She complied.

I had my first bikini wax and possibly my last. For the next two years, anyway.

Poop

I want someone to invent a toilet with a scale in it that will weigh my poop before I flush and send it out to sea.


It would also be sweet if it was programmed to play song clips related to the weight of your submission. For example, let's say you dropped off ten pounds of kids at the pool (I blame the Thai food) . . . the digital scale would register a whopping ten pounds and then the built-in iPod would play a short clip from Rod Stewart's Young Turks, "Patti gave birth to a ten pound baby boy, yeah!"


That would be awesome.

No shit Sherlock

You know what would make this film even hotter? If it was filmed in my bedroom and I was in it. Okay, so that might not be so hot for you – but it would TOTALLY work out for me.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and take a cold shower to wash away the dirty, depraved thoughts of the Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. sword fight for my (dis)honor.

Don't You Forget About Him....

John Hughes, the guy who helped get me through my craptacular teen years in one piece, has passed away. Another in a recent string of celebs who have died relatively young, Hughes died of a heart attack while walking in Manhattan today. He was only 59.

In honor of the man's work, here are my Top 10 John Hughes Films:(All films listed were written by Hughes; the ones he also directed are marked with an asterisk.)

10.Home Alone - I like to pretend that Macauley Culkin never grew up, and that he's still that little lost boy who learned about aftershave the hard way.

9. Mr. Mom - A friend and I saw this in the theater soon after I had developed a crush on Michael Keaton. I actually remember writing in my diary later that evening that I wanted to marry him.

8. Pretty in Pink - It's got a great soundtrack. James Spader is a wonderful bastard, as always. And, hey, the Dice Man makes an appearance! There are a lot of good pieces here, but they just don't all fit together the way they should. The main problem is that I can NEVER buy the Andie/Blaine pairing. He's such a little wussy boy. But that doesn't mean that I think Andie should pick Duckie, either. She wouldn't want to jeopardize that friendship. Besides, he's kind of a spaz. No, Andie totally should've given up on high school boys and hooked up with an indie rock dude.

7. National Lampoon's Vacation - Someone recently told me that they didn't think this movie was funny. I can't remember who that was. I probably cut him or her out of my life after that because, let's face it, he or she was probably a communist. I mean, seriously. Who doesn't think this is funny?

6. Some Kind of Wonderful - Even though this is kind of a rip-off of Pretty in Pink (with a more satisfying ending), it ranks higher on my list for many reasons - most of which are unknown to me. But the ones I do know are:

Eric Stoltz is adorable

Craig Sheffer is almost as good at being a dick as James Spader...or even ZABKA (hallowed be thy name)

5. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - Yep, I like the Griswolds' Christmas story better than the original one. SQUIRREL!!!!! cracks me up every time.

4. Weird Science* - I know a lot of people think it's stupid, but those people should be forced to eat a greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray. Come on, it's not supposed to be deep. It's just supposed to be silly fun, and it succeeds. Plus, it put Robert Downey, Jr. on the map, who went on to be a huge movie star. And it gave us Bill Paxton, who also went on to movie stardom despite the fact that his role as Chet is still the best one he's ever had.

3. The Breakfast Club* - Back in the day, I probably would have put TBC as my favorite Hughes film, but the older I get, the more I cringe at certain parts. It still may be the model against which all other teen movies are measured, but it really could have been improved by cutting back the angst just a tad. Because really, I can't help but laugh every time Ally Sheedy earnestly proclaims that, "When you grow up, your heart DIES." Come on. I didn't even believe that when I was a teenager.

2. Sixteen Candles* - Yes, everything about this movie is hilarious: from the simple but brilliant premise to Grandpa Howard asking the Donger, "Where is my automobile?" But when thinking about John Hughes's impact in the film industry and in the lives of teenagers, it's really quite special to watch this movie now and realize that a good part of why these characters seem so real is because their portrayers look real. Anthony Michael Hall looked like a real geek. They didn't just grab some guy who looked like Brad Pitt and slap glasses on him. And Molly Ringwald became a star because girls everywhere could relate to her. She was normal. She could have been any girl in any one of our high schools. How many of us can say our classrooms were filled with people who looked like Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens? Not many, I'm sure. So, why do the teen stars of today have to be so perfect? There's a sad realization here: if Molly Ringwald were just starting out now, she could never be a star. There's a good chance she wouldn't even get an audition.

1. Ferris Bueller's Day Off* - Ferris Bueller is my hero. Plain and simple.

Here's an old trailer with a peek at some obviously cut scenes.

Death, you have gone too far!

When will our pop cultural icons stop dying??? This is getting ridiculous.Master infomercial pitchman and Pittsburgh native Billy Mays died on Sunday. Like Michael Jackson, he was only 50 years old.

Apparently Billy complained that he didn't feel well before going to bed on Saturday evening and, earlier that day, he was hit in the head by some baggage during a rough landing on a Saturday flight to Tampa. Whether or not that played a role in his passing hasn't been determined yet.

Rest in peace, Billy. I'm sure you'll be a very popular guy up in Heaven. Someone has to keep all of those white robes looking shiny and new. Now they won't just be clean - they'll be Oxi-Clean.

A Public Service Annoucement*

There is something that’s happening in our society that is making me question the intelligence of the human race. This “something” is enough to scare anyone into keeping their children locked in the closet for their entire lives. Something so evil that many wake up screaming from the horrible nightmares they cause.

The men’s jean short.



Don’t even get me started on the faded men’s jean short. Christ almighty, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

There is no reason on this earth why any male on this planet should own a pair of jean shorts. Well, I guess there is 1 reason. Perhaps you’re going to a costume party and you’re dressing up like white trash. Or maybe you live in Jersey. So technically there are 2 reasons why you own a pair.

People, let’s do society a big favor: let’s outlaw the jean short for men.


*This public service announcement is brought to you by I Have No Inner Monologue: making the world a better place by mocking those lacking in good manners, good looks, and fashion sense.

About Me...

You know those little meme’s that go out via email that ask you to answer questions about yourself? For your viewing pleasure, here are the responses.

(I’m not going to tag anyone, but feel free to steal it and post it on your own blog)
Here is the new 2009 edition of getting to know your family and friends. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.

Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends. The easiest way to do it is to hit ‘forward’ so you can change the answers or copy and paste. Have fun and be truthful!

1. What is your occupation right now? Marketing Maven

2. What color are your sock s right now? Socks?? It’s summer. Fuck sucks.

3. What are you listening to right now? Jack Ass boring someone with a story about her snobby kids.

4. What was the last thing that you ate? My feelings.

5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes I can, as long as you don’t mind hearing the gears grinding.

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Your mom.

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes, I do

8. How old are you today? Old enough to know better.

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Do dating shows count as a sport?

10. What is your favorite drink? Anything with booze in it.

11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Of course I have. I’m a chick.

12. Favorite food? Hmm…far too many choices for this one.

13. What is the last movie you watched? The Hangover

14. Favorite day of the year? Same as everyone’s favorite day of the year, my birthday.

15. How do you vent anger? I don’t vent my anger, I eat it.

16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine.

17. What is your favorite season? Mating season.

18. Cherries or Blueberries? Both.

19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? Only if they’re inviting me to dinner or offering to send me money.

20. Who is the most likely to respond? Certainly not John Cusack as he never responds to me.

21. Who is least likely to respond? Your mom.

22. Living arrangements? A delightful 1 bedroom Condo in Ballard.

23. When was the last time you cried? Last night.

24. What is on the floor of your closet? Your mom.

25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to?
Perez Hilton.

26. What did you do last night? Celebrated Father’s Day – with your dad.

27. What are you most afraid of? That the peen counter won’t be reset anytime soon. Gives me nightmares.

28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? What the fuck is a spicy hamburger?

29. Favorite dog breed? How about least favorite? I don’t like greyhounds.

30. Favorite day of the week? Saturday.

31. How many states have you lived in? 3. Unless you count “anxiety” as a state, in which case I’ve lived in 4.

32. Diamonds or pearls? Both together. So beautiful.

33. What is your favorite flower? Tulips