Don't You Forget About Him....

John Hughes, the guy who helped get me through my craptacular teen years in one piece, has passed away. Another in a recent string of celebs who have died relatively young, Hughes died of a heart attack while walking in Manhattan today. He was only 59.

In honor of the man's work, here are my Top 10 John Hughes Films:(All films listed were written by Hughes; the ones he also directed are marked with an asterisk.)

10.Home Alone - I like to pretend that Macauley Culkin never grew up, and that he's still that little lost boy who learned about aftershave the hard way.

9. Mr. Mom - A friend and I saw this in the theater soon after I had developed a crush on Michael Keaton. I actually remember writing in my diary later that evening that I wanted to marry him.

8. Pretty in Pink - It's got a great soundtrack. James Spader is a wonderful bastard, as always. And, hey, the Dice Man makes an appearance! There are a lot of good pieces here, but they just don't all fit together the way they should. The main problem is that I can NEVER buy the Andie/Blaine pairing. He's such a little wussy boy. But that doesn't mean that I think Andie should pick Duckie, either. She wouldn't want to jeopardize that friendship. Besides, he's kind of a spaz. No, Andie totally should've given up on high school boys and hooked up with an indie rock dude.

7. National Lampoon's Vacation - Someone recently told me that they didn't think this movie was funny. I can't remember who that was. I probably cut him or her out of my life after that because, let's face it, he or she was probably a communist. I mean, seriously. Who doesn't think this is funny?

6. Some Kind of Wonderful - Even though this is kind of a rip-off of Pretty in Pink (with a more satisfying ending), it ranks higher on my list for many reasons - most of which are unknown to me. But the ones I do know are:

Eric Stoltz is adorable

Craig Sheffer is almost as good at being a dick as James Spader...or even ZABKA (hallowed be thy name)

5. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation - Yep, I like the Griswolds' Christmas story better than the original one. SQUIRREL!!!!! cracks me up every time.

4. Weird Science* - I know a lot of people think it's stupid, but those people should be forced to eat a greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray. Come on, it's not supposed to be deep. It's just supposed to be silly fun, and it succeeds. Plus, it put Robert Downey, Jr. on the map, who went on to be a huge movie star. And it gave us Bill Paxton, who also went on to movie stardom despite the fact that his role as Chet is still the best one he's ever had.

3. The Breakfast Club* - Back in the day, I probably would have put TBC as my favorite Hughes film, but the older I get, the more I cringe at certain parts. It still may be the model against which all other teen movies are measured, but it really could have been improved by cutting back the angst just a tad. Because really, I can't help but laugh every time Ally Sheedy earnestly proclaims that, "When you grow up, your heart DIES." Come on. I didn't even believe that when I was a teenager.

2. Sixteen Candles* - Yes, everything about this movie is hilarious: from the simple but brilliant premise to Grandpa Howard asking the Donger, "Where is my automobile?" But when thinking about John Hughes's impact in the film industry and in the lives of teenagers, it's really quite special to watch this movie now and realize that a good part of why these characters seem so real is because their portrayers look real. Anthony Michael Hall looked like a real geek. They didn't just grab some guy who looked like Brad Pitt and slap glasses on him. And Molly Ringwald became a star because girls everywhere could relate to her. She was normal. She could have been any girl in any one of our high schools. How many of us can say our classrooms were filled with people who looked like Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens? Not many, I'm sure. So, why do the teen stars of today have to be so perfect? There's a sad realization here: if Molly Ringwald were just starting out now, she could never be a star. There's a good chance she wouldn't even get an audition.

1. Ferris Bueller's Day Off* - Ferris Bueller is my hero. Plain and simple.

Here's an old trailer with a peek at some obviously cut scenes.

Death, you have gone too far!

When will our pop cultural icons stop dying??? This is getting ridiculous.Master infomercial pitchman and Pittsburgh native Billy Mays died on Sunday. Like Michael Jackson, he was only 50 years old.

Apparently Billy complained that he didn't feel well before going to bed on Saturday evening and, earlier that day, he was hit in the head by some baggage during a rough landing on a Saturday flight to Tampa. Whether or not that played a role in his passing hasn't been determined yet.

Rest in peace, Billy. I'm sure you'll be a very popular guy up in Heaven. Someone has to keep all of those white robes looking shiny and new. Now they won't just be clean - they'll be Oxi-Clean.

A Public Service Annoucement*

There is something that’s happening in our society that is making me question the intelligence of the human race. This “something” is enough to scare anyone into keeping their children locked in the closet for their entire lives. Something so evil that many wake up screaming from the horrible nightmares they cause.

The men’s jean short.



Don’t even get me started on the faded men’s jean short. Christ almighty, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

There is no reason on this earth why any male on this planet should own a pair of jean shorts. Well, I guess there is 1 reason. Perhaps you’re going to a costume party and you’re dressing up like white trash. Or maybe you live in Jersey. So technically there are 2 reasons why you own a pair.

People, let’s do society a big favor: let’s outlaw the jean short for men.


*This public service announcement is brought to you by I Have No Inner Monologue: making the world a better place by mocking those lacking in good manners, good looks, and fashion sense.

About Me...

You know those little meme’s that go out via email that ask you to answer questions about yourself? For your viewing pleasure, here are the responses.

(I’m not going to tag anyone, but feel free to steal it and post it on your own blog)
Here is the new 2009 edition of getting to know your family and friends. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.

Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends. The easiest way to do it is to hit ‘forward’ so you can change the answers or copy and paste. Have fun and be truthful!

1. What is your occupation right now? Marketing Maven

2. What color are your sock s right now? Socks?? It’s summer. Fuck sucks.

3. What are you listening to right now? Jack Ass boring someone with a story about her snobby kids.

4. What was the last thing that you ate? My feelings.

5. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes I can, as long as you don’t mind hearing the gears grinding.

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Your mom.

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes, I do

8. How old are you today? Old enough to know better.

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Do dating shows count as a sport?

10. What is your favorite drink? Anything with booze in it.

11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Of course I have. I’m a chick.

12. Favorite food? Hmm…far too many choices for this one.

13. What is the last movie you watched? The Hangover

14. Favorite day of the year? Same as everyone’s favorite day of the year, my birthday.

15. How do you vent anger? I don’t vent my anger, I eat it.

16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine.

17. What is your favorite season? Mating season.

18. Cherries or Blueberries? Both.

19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? Only if they’re inviting me to dinner or offering to send me money.

20. Who is the most likely to respond? Certainly not John Cusack as he never responds to me.

21. Who is least likely to respond? Your mom.

22. Living arrangements? A delightful 1 bedroom Condo in Ballard.

23. When was the last time you cried? Last night.

24. What is on the floor of your closet? Your mom.

25. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to?
Perez Hilton.

26. What did you do last night? Celebrated Father’s Day – with your dad.

27. What are you most afraid of? That the peen counter won’t be reset anytime soon. Gives me nightmares.

28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? What the fuck is a spicy hamburger?

29. Favorite dog breed? How about least favorite? I don’t like greyhounds.

30. Favorite day of the week? Saturday.

31. How many states have you lived in? 3. Unless you count “anxiety” as a state, in which case I’ve lived in 4.

32. Diamonds or pearls? Both together. So beautiful.

33. What is your favorite flower? Tulips

Letterman vs. Palin

All I've got is the ridunkulous feud between David Letterman and Sarah Palin.

I'm sure you've all heard by now that Letterman used Palin's recent trip to NYC as an opportunity to make some off-color jokes about her daughter, Bristol. Or at least he thought they were about Bristol. Turns out that Palin's 14-year-old daughter, Willow (where in the eff does she come up with these names?), was the one who accompanied her mother to New York. So, Palin assumed that Letterman was actually making jokes about her younger daughter being hit on by Elliot Spitzer and getting knocked up by A-Rod.

I assumed that most normal people would think:
1. The first joke was more of a dig at Elliot Spitzer than anyone.
2. The second one was a nod to A-Rod's philandering ways, as well as a reminder that Bristol is, in fact, a teenage mom.
3. Neither of these jokes had anything to do with the 14-year-old because, not only is that gross, but it also doesn't make any sense.

I either assumed wrong, or Sarah Palin is not a normal person. She and her supporters are calling for Letterman's head, and Palin suddenly thinks she's heading up NOW.

Sure, it may be in poor taste to make sexual jokes about a young girl, even an 18-year-old, but I doubt there would have been such an uproar had the joke been made about, say, Jamie Lynn Spears. And I'm sure there have been worse jokes made about her...possibly even on this very blog.

As far as the politicians' rally cry of "Don't pick on my family," if they're of age and in the public eye, they're fair game for comedians, talk show hosts, gossip rags, and bloggers. That's just the way it goes. Palin complained to Matt Lauer on Today that Obama's family was never picked on (would that have made her feel better?), but his girls are 8 and 11. They haven't done anything yet that's worth ridiculing! And, come on, it's not like this is something brand new. The Bush girls were constantly skewered on late night TV as hard-partying airheads, and the media made some pretty brutal attacks on Chelsea Clinton's looks.

Sure, Letterman's poorly-researched jokes may have been low blows, but Palin's eagerness to pounce on him and go so far as to suggest that he's a pedophile (or at least a pervert) who condones child rape is even lower. She refused to accept Letterman's explanation that the comments were about Bristol, telling Lauer, "You and anybody else are extremely naive to believe that very convenient excuse." So, it's naive to believe Letterman's totally logical assertion that the joke about one of Palin's daughters getting knocked up was meant for the one who actually did get knocked up, but it makes perfect sense to jump to the conclusion that David Letterman is a pervy old man who thinks raping young girls is hilarious?? Interesting.

At first, Letterman didn't seem to think an apology was in order, but he finally caved. I doubt that will stop the "Fire David Letterman" rally set for tomorrow afternoon, though. It's kind of hard to stop a shitstorm already in progress.

I don't know, I can see Palin's side in that if I had a daughter, I would want to defend her if someone was saying rude things about her. But there were probably a million ways she could have responded to the jokes, all of which would have been better than the way she did.

What do you guys think?

What the effing crap? That angel guy just felt me up

I've seen this going around but never paid any attention to it until a friend whose sense of humor I trust sent it to me with a note that read, This is so blog-worthy. What were they thinking with those 80s videos that we all watched and took very seriously?

I laughed until gold dust fell out of my fancy mask.

The Decapitation of Bret Michaels

Monday morning. Kill me now. The only thing that’s helping me make it through the day are all of the insanely stupid stories being featured on CNN today. Front page stories that include thrilling headlines like “Stephen Colbert gets Military Haircut” or “Ticker: Ears Looked Just like Obama’s, Aide Says.”

By far the most compelling headline of all is “Bret Micheals Hit's Prop at Tony Awards.” What the hell is he doing at the Tony Awards? I mean, sure, he enjoys surrounding himself by drama (case in point: Rock of Love Season 1, Rock of Love Season 2, and Rock of Love: Bus). A bunch of crazy strippers punching each other and pouring salsa in one another’s suitcases is one type of drama, Bret Michaels performing at the Tony Awards is quite another.



I’m kind of pissed that I missed the whole damn thing. I imagine flocks of skanks coming out of wings trying to rescue his bandana and extensions.

Comedy gold…