Sorry your mom blew up Ricky...

Am I wrong or did I just see Ricky from Better Off Dead in the audience on American Idol tonight?

I'm not making a bad joke, I really do think that is the same actor...

Here's a recent, absurd video of him from mor recent times:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHcgDbAoTbc

to aid in the comparison. Prove me wrong! And, yes, I watch American Idol. That Cook kid is going to take it all, I tell you!

You know it’s been too long since you got any when any of the following occur:

- You are attracted to someone that is selling hot dogs and peanuts at the pier.
- You are attracted to someone and think, “Hey, denim shorts on a man are bad, but he doesn’t look so bad.”
- You consider slipping your number to someone you meet in the in your parking garage.
- When your friend tries to set you up with someone and you ask him what he looks like, you think it’s okay when she/he says, “Well, I’d give him a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10, but he does own his own house and he loves animals.”
- You can’t remember where you put your razor because you stopped shaving your legs since no one ever sees them.
- The phrase “good time” makes you think of staying at home on a Friday night and eating a pint of ice cream in your bed while watching episodes of the Bachelor online.

It’s time, kids. Mama’s got needs.

we all make bad choices

Tonight, one of mine includes watching The Bride of Chucky. It just happens to be on and sometimes cheesy lame ass movies are my thing. It’s pretty bad, kids. Promise me you won’t watch it. Bad acting, bad dialogue, and bad special effects. And let us not forget the romantic love scene between 2 dolls. It’s not quite as bold as the one from Team America World Police, but in a way it’s even funnier. For example, when Chuck is telling Tiffany (his “girlfriend”) that he’s “starting to feel like Pinnochio.” Really? Someone wrote this? And someone thougtht it would be a good idea to make a movie out of it?

Quite possibly one of my favorite things about this pile of crap is that Katherine Heigl is in it.
I don’t particularly care for her, and it makes me happy to know that she made a bad decision way back when. How come no one ever mentions that when they’re interviewing her?
Let me leave you with this wonderful quote: “Take it from me. Plastic is no substitute for a nice hunk of wood.”

This year marks the 50th birthday of the 64 box of Crayola Crayons. As a “special present” to the public, Crayola has introduced several new colors-all of which have been named by kids. The new colors have cheesy names like “Awesome”, “Giving Tree”, “Famous”, “Fun in the Sun”, “Best Friends”, “Super Happy”, “Happy Ever After”, and “Bear Hug”. I don’t know about you, but those names make me want to puke, just a little bit.

What happened to the names that are more representative of today’s youth? Names like “Daddy Drinks too Much”, “I Have 2 Mommies”, and “Latch Key”? Now that’s what I’d like to see! Of course, those colors would not be representative of my box (BWAHAHAHA!! I said box!). Here, for your eyes only (and the eyes of anyone else that happens to stumble upon the post) I present you with the 2008 Ihavenoinnermonologue Colors:

Boozy Vegas Silver

Muffin TopPink

Clap Having Jezebel: Red like the sores she gives you.

Online Dating: This is the same pukey green color my face turns to turn after reading too many of the profiles.

Single & 32: Aw, this one is blue-just like me.

Phoenix Airport

There truly were some wonderful sites at gate 22 of the Phoenix International Airport. After an hour of sitting and waiting around just so I could sit on my bum for another three hours on route back to Seattle from a girls weekend in Vegas. Riddle me that. I have to fly south to go north? I should have boozed it up to pass the time, but figured that I’d have a hard time keeping all the alcohol done on a flight Let’s take this opportunity to thank the fine people who run the airport for maintaining the temperature at a balmy 10 degrees Farenheit and for playing awful country music the whole entire time.

At least there was a lot of stuff to see. . .

There was a power walker in her kelly green too short pants who passed me 5 times.

A 50-some-year-old woman who sat next to me and who was trying to talk to Marla on her red razr phone. The call kept disconnecting and she’d yell, “Marla?! Marla??” into the phone, take it away from here ear and look at it with a very bewildered look on her face, then put it back up to her ear to yell “Marla!” all over again. The phone started ringing and it was disturbing to hear that “Bodies” (by Drowning Pool) was her ringtone. “Marla? Is that you? I lost you.” Then the whole cycle would start all over again as the call was dropped once again. This left me wondering who the hell names their kid Marla.

A douchebag executive with his clip on suspenders yelling stupid stuff into his blue tooth. It very much sounded like, “Look at me! I’m so important! I have clip on suspenders and a blue tooth! Look at me! My mother didn’t hold me enough when I was a baby!”

Yay! A man with a mullet, hammer pants and an “Ultimate Cardnials Fan!” fanny pack. And can it actually be? Yes! He had a wedding ring. How’s that possible? Wonder what Mrs. Ultimate Cardnials Fan looks like. Perhaps she was the one in the 2 sizes too small Nascar t-shirt that accentuated her muffin top.

Hey! Look there! It’s short fat Vince Vaughn in a too snug suit. Not a good fashion choice for him.

Holy Mary Mother of hot! Check out that fox in the perfectly fitted shirt. Mama likey!

By far the most disturbing nightmare inducing sight was a woman in a royal blue terry cloth sweat suit. 2 words to describe her: camel toe.

I'm thinking of printing these and passing them out in Vegas next week.

I Have No Inner Monologue presents...

I have a question: who the hell is Tyler Perry?

I mean, I know who he is, because when I was watching episodes of SVU on TBS, I constantly see commercials for his sitcom, in which he plays a half-dozen characters. It looks hilarious (sarcasm, much of it), and appears to be filled with the characters laughing at each other and then there’s a lot of threats to throw different people of the house. Recently he had a movie out called "Why Did I Get Married?" and ads were placed all over town. And now he’s got another movie coming out, "Meet the Browns," with ads everywhere as well. Seattle officially has Tyler Perry fever.

What’s most impressive about all these ads and commercials is that they’re prefaced with "Tyler Perry Presents…" Do you know how much of a badass you have to be in Hollywood to get that line on or above a tv show or movie? The answer: extremely, extremely badass. Just-below-God badass. I-swim-around-in-a-room-piled-high-with-gold-like-Scrooge-McDuck-only-he’s-my-fucking-butler-because-I-can-afford-him badass. And yet I, as an average 33 year old Hispanic female and have absolutely no familiarity at all with Tyler Perry. And then I read this from wikipedia:

"Perry produces a television show titled Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, which follows a working-class, African-American household with three generations of family within it. The show seeks to illustrate struggles with faith and love, as well as showing how to coexist with the generation gap. The show ran briefly in Spring 2006 as a 10 show pilot. After a successful pilot run, Perry signed a $200 million dollar 100 episode deal with TBS." (bold added)

In summary, I’m going to drop all you white jerks and focus on cultivating my African-American household-based humor. If Tyler Perry can get $200 million, I can probably squeeze $20,000 out of someone, which would make me 1/10,000th as good as him. I’m totally, totally ok with that.