Faux Boyfriend of the Week

The fact is that I’m having a hard time picking hot new dudes and am tempted to start recycling them – kind of like my past boyfriends.

Let’s be honest, it’s pretty sad when some of the actors from the Harry Potter movies start looking like good options. And I’m not talking about Ralph Fiennes or Gary Oldman, I’m talking about Rupert Grint. Yeah, I know, disturbing. I’ll admit to having spent some time looking for hot photos of the kids. I’ll also admit to thinking he’s doable. Sure, he’s 14 years younger than I am, but who cares? He’s 21 and as far as I’m concerned, that’s old enough for me.

That’s when it occurred to me that I was limiting myself to TV and movie stars. There’s a whole world of hot and sexy athletes that I haven’t explored (literally and figuratively).

So, my dear tens of readers, this week I present you with hot British Baller, Michael Owen.

Here’s what I can tell you about him, he’s British, he’s hot, and he likes to play the soccer. That’s good enough for me!

Peen as a Weapeen

I just read the most hilarious news article on BBC News. According to a report coming out of Scotland, a man was fined for assaulting a female officer with his peen.

His girlfriend called the cops on him when he was all hammered and belligerent. When the cops got there, he was sitting on the couch in his man-panties. It’s unclear how it all happened, but he ended up standing over the female cop and trying to slap the officer in the face with his dick.

Many of us know this as “foreplay”.

I'm a Risk Taker!

Fuck jumping out of a perfectly good airplane or off a bridge. Forget being set up on a blind date or driving without a seat belt. I’m doing something that would make my mamacita proud.

In fact, I think she’ll cry when I tell her about it later today.

What’s the big risk I’m taking? I’m eating peanut butter that expired 6 months ago. That’s right! I’m living on the fucking edge!! I’m staring food poisoning right in the face and saying, “Fuck you, food poisoning. Fuck you in your stupid ass.”

There’s nothing wrong with the peanut butter, it’s fine. In fact, I had some yesterday too and I didn’t get sick. I’m not scared of a stupid little expiration date. It’s not like it’s dairy products or condoms.

Speaking of condoms, I threw out 8 perfectly good ones yesterday morning. I should have known when I bought them that it would all go to shit and they’d end up in the garbage. You see, fine readers, condoms and I have a tumultuous relationship. I buy a 3 pack and things go grand. The second I buy a 12 pack everything goes up in flames and 9 end up in my bedside drawer mocking me for years.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to this expired peanut butter.

Coma Watching

A few weeks ago I was watching a medical drama in which a man woke up from a 10 year coma. I thought to myself, “man, he missed a lot of bad television” So I thought I’d write a post about how to explain popular television shows to someone who has just emerged from a long coma. Kids, this is what happens when titles stop being polite and start getting real.

Vapid Wealthy Children Go To Pretend Jobs, Have Altercations, Discuss, Repeat

Vapid Wealthy Adult Women Go To Pretend Jobs, Have Altercations, Discuss, Repeat

Sad Reality Contestants You Can’t Remember Do The Cha Cha Wearing Spandex In An Attempt To Win Back Their Dignity

White People Paint Selves Orange, Drink Bacardi, Exchange STDs

People Wash Up On Island, Travel Through Time, Yet Never Lose Weight or Grow Unibrows

Women Rejected By Regular Modeling Agencies Take Advice From Mercurial Drag Queen

Heartwarming Fat People Forced To Dress Like Rainbow Brite's Color Kids Get Yelled At

Giant Chin Overstays Welcome

Man Fondles 20 Women; Sleeps With 3; Marries 1...

Internet Dating: Foreigner Edition

I wanna know what love is…I want you to show me…!

Sorry. Got carried away there. So, we all know that the internet is for everyone and we are all looking for love. I also know that most programs now a days, even text on phones, have spell check for those who are not too good in that department. Soooooo, where’s the “that doesn’t make any sense!” for the foreigner emails?!…

Here are the emails. Nothing is changed or fixed. I couldn’t fix these even if I tried! There aren’t much, but I had to share these!


HI I REED UR PROFILE AND U ARE A VERY NICE GIRL AND I WAS WODER DO U DATE HISPANICS.



I don’t discriminate! I’m just sick of playing editor with my red pen. Thanks for reeding!

Just now want to say HI ,Realy you are soooooooooo pretty .not execting to revieve from you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cheers

Uhhhh…What???

frankly i can saw you are smiling wonderful. i miss to see like this smile

::nervous smile:: th-thanks. I think.

Boner is Missing!!

Have you heard the news? It’s a potential tragedy: grown up child actor, Andrew Koenig, is missing. Don’t recognize his name? That’s OK, neither did I. This poor bastard is also known as Boner, from Growing Pains. Oh yeah, now you know exactly who I’m talking about.





No wonder he’s missing. Can you imagine being known your whole adult life as a euphemism for an erection? I can imagine all the trouble he must have gone through. Wedding vows, “Do you, Boner, take this woman…”

If only he had left an autobiography. Perhaps something with a clever name like:

•I, Boner
•Boner Stories
•Boner: My Story of Perseverance

WAIT! Maybe his relatives will write his biography. It can be called, “My Boner.”

YEAH

Faux Boyfriend of the Week

None of the guys that I’ve dated have ever known their way around the kitchen, or should I say they haven’t stuck around long enough to show me their culinary skills. Sure, some of them had some mad skills in the bedroom, but when it came to cooking, it was a sad, sad display.

I enjoy cooking, and I’m pretty good at it. It would be nice, however, to find a dude that could cook something other than a hot pocket.

Enter my Faux Boyfriend of the Week:



Yes, I know that he’s gotten a little doughy lately, but guess what? I don’t care. I love it. I’ve never been one to discriminate when it comes to weight, although some guys have discriminated me on my weight. To them I say FUCK YOU!

I used to tune into Food 911 years ago. It was always hilarious to see all those women doll themselves up. They all had the same dream that I did: that Tyler Florence would cook them a meal and then molest them over the dining room table. Ahh, dare to dream.