Satan's Stockings

I have come to believe that stockings are the invention of communists and/or the devil. They are a method of torture, and only serve to ruin the day of the wearer-and quite possibly those around them.

When I wear stockings, which is hardly ever because I hate them more than I hate this Miley Cyrus, one of two things inevitably occurs:

1. They run the instant I attempt to pull them up past my too chunky thighs. And they run in a place where I can’t hide the run, like right down the ENTIRE back of my leg. This makes me want to scream because it means that the money I spent on them might as well have been flushed straight down the nearest toilet.

2. About 3 hours into the day, the elastic in the waistband starts giving. This means that the rest of the day will involve the stockings riding down until the crotch is closer to my knees than to Vangelina Jolie, and/or that I’ll be tugging at them while doing awkward moves to get them up where they belong.

Today happens to be a stocking day. Guess what? The waistband is shot AND I have a huge run down the front of my leg. The issues with the wasitband have caused me to walk funny all day, so it looks like I spent last night making sweet love to some stallion. Which I did not. The run makes it seem as though I spent too much time on my knees at lunch time. Which I did not.

Damn you, hosiery industry. I hate you.

way to go CNN

There’s something wrong with our society when a gorilla getting a colonoscopy warrants a headline on CNN. Really, what the hell is going on with CNN lately? Yesterday they had not one, but two postings of just such a story. I was halfway tempted to read the story, until I remembered that

I couldn’t care less
I have a life to lead

Fine, go ahead and put up some lame stories. Who am I to judge? Oh wait, that’s right, I’m Miss Judgey Judge A Lot. But wait, there’s more. Over the weekend, while I was shirking my domestic responsibilities, I stumbled up on this:


I think I pulled something because of how hard I was laughing. They meant Betty Boop, not Betty Boob.

Way to go, CNN copy editors!! Can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings! Oh please tell me that they have a story about a stolen truck full of peens/pens. A girl can dream…

We're being invadede by white blobs!!

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2008/09/25/dnt.ghostly.images.on.tape.kshb

My thoughts are it could be:

1) Vaporized testosterone floating around, it’s a gym after all.

2) The ghost of Christmas past took a wrong turn and ended up in Kanasas.

3) Nothing exciting.

I’m leaning heavily towards 3.

What I'm watching this TV Season

With Gossip Girl making it's season debut last week the new fall season has officially arrived Let's find out what I’ll will be watching this season.

Mondays:

8:00: Gossip Girl & Chuck

8:30: How I Met Your Mother

9:00: Nothing

10:00 The Bachelor/ette

Show That Intrigues Me: Worst Week

We start with a log jam on Mondays at 8:00. With my VCR only equipped to handle one show at once what will happen from 8:00 - 9:00 when Gossip Girl, Chuck, and How I Met Your Mother premiere? Will I have to drop a show? Will I watch a few episodes online? Will I be forced to get a life? Should I give reading a try? Why do I get that creepy feeling about being in my mid-twenties and watching a show about high schoolers.

Chuck leapfrogged Pushing Daisies to become my favorite new show out of last years fall lineup. The affable Chuck (played by Zachary Levi) seamlessly changes gears from dramatic to comedic better than any actor not named John Krasinski on television today. Creator Josh Schwartz plans to emphasize a more serialized story telling approach this year and shy away from the close ended stories that served short term rather than long term goals last season. It's like he is fusing The OC with 24 with just a hint of Three's Company. And that my friends is entitled Television Nirvana.

How I Met Your Mother appears to be the odd man out in this Ménage à trois of a television dalliance I got going on but luckily I will catch up with the gang from MacLaren's on the internet.

Worst Week is based on a BBC show Worst Week of my Life. It stars Kurtwood "Don't call me Red" Smith of That 70's Show fame. I might give this show a try but it probably won't be until a random Saturday when I'm bored and I've run out of random episodes of Torchwood on BBC America to watch.


Tuesdays:

9:00: Fringe

10:00: Law & Order SVU

Show That Intrigues Me: The New 90210


Wednesdays:

8:00: Pushing Daisies

9:00: Private Practice

10:00 Dirty Sexy Money

Show That Intrigues Me: Dirty Sexy Money

A lot is going on in TV land on Wednesdays.

Thursdays:

8:00: My Name Is Earl

9:00: The Office, 30 Rock, Grey's Anatomy

10:00: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Burn Notice

Dance That Intrigues Me: The Mamba

Thursday night is my favorite television night of the week because it showcases my three favorite comedies on television: The Office, 30 Rock, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. The Office left us on the highest of high notes with their season four finale "Goodbye Toby". It was an instant Office classic and paved the way for a slew of fresh story lines for season five. It's Always Sunny enjoyed its finest season to date last year and much like a fine wine continues to get better with age. It's Always Sunny not only boasts a truly original comedic idiom but it also shares the "Most underrated half hour on television" moniker with Flight of the Conchords. With season four episode titles like "Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life" and "Sweet Dee has a Heart Attack" we should except more of the same ingenious yet refreshingly simplistic comedy we have come to expect from the gang at Paddy's Pub.

Fridays:

9:00: Psych

Old Board Game That Intrigues Me: Mouse Trap. That really is the craziest trap I've ever seen..
Saturdays:

11:30: Saturday Night Live

Member of the hit show Full House That Intrigues Me: Steve

This cast has been together long enough that I expect this to be an all time great year for SNL.

Sundays:

8:30: The Family Guy

9:00 Mad Men

10:00: Entourage

Random Fact Of The Day That Intrigues Me: Eating grapes do not help you to obtain superpowers

This day used to be reserved for The Family Guy but I think I'm done with Homer and the gang. I'm sure I'll still catch the occasional repeat but it's no longer "Must See TV" for this guy. What I am excited for is the fifth season of Dexter. I caught up seasons 4 this summer and holy appletini they were great!


Programs that I will watch when they come back mid-season: Scrubs, Medium, LOST, Flight of the Conchords

Sophomore shows I added to faves list from last year: Chuck, Gossip Girl, Private Practice, Pushing Daisies

New shows I plan to watch this year: Fringe

Show that got canceled and I promptly forgot that it ever existed: October Road

Best line from October Road that was meant to be serious but had me laughing hysterically: "I think you forgot what side of October Road you belong on"

Old show that was canceled before its time that you should buy on DVD: Undeclared

Shows I might start catching up on: Dexter

Second year show I am most excited about returning: Chuck

Runner up for favorite returning show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Favorite Returning Show: The Office, 30 Rock

Are there any shows that I missed? What else should I be watching? What did you do this weekend? Am I asking too many questions? Do you want to start an alliance with me? Have a great week party people! As always this has been Sandy wishing you Champagne wishes and caviar dreams or in my case gummy bear wishes and Snapple dreams. Have a great day!

Snapple (the drink not a person) if you are reading this that was called a plug. Please send me some of your delicious self. Thank you.

I blame Gordon Gecko...

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson warned congressional leaders of a dire economic future if the $700 billion Wall Street bailout isn't approved quickly.

Here are some of their predictions:

-A credit crunch for business and consumers.
-The American economy could grind to a halt.
-A crazed madman from outer space will destroy the earth with a single laser beam.
-Blood will rain from the sky.
-Locust will cover the ground, every crop and every tree.
-Firebreathing hellhounds will crawl from the San Andreas fault and devour children everywhere.
-Giant armies of Robot Nazis will control entire cities, crushing everything in their path.
-Everyone will be ritualistically sodomized.
-God will throw lightening bolts at every man, woman and child until all are dead.
-The undead will feast on the living.
-The human race will gradually devolve into a species of mole people living underground as flames destroy the earth above.
-A Jesus-like madman will lead a massive doomsday cult into power.
-Everyone will die.

The $700 billion Wall Street bailout is mind boggling and difficult to comprehend. To better understand this number, I offer these simple comparisons:

-$700 billion can buy about 140 billion Squirmle toys.
-Imagine every person on Earth receiving a check for about $116.65.
-Or every American getting $2,333.
-With $700 billion, you could buy all the following countries: Niue, Tuvalu, Kiribati, Anguilla, São Tomé and Príncipe, The Marshall Islands, Palau, The Cook Islands, Tonga, Micronesia, Dominica, American Samoa, Guinea-Bissau, The Solomon Islands, Samoa, Comoros, Vanuatu, East Timor, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Grenada and the Northern Mariana Islands.
-Or you could just buy Chad. Or combine Lichtenstein and Malawi.
-You also could bargain for Madagascar.
-You could buy seven Iraqs with $700 billion.
-Instead of bailing out Wall Street, you could buy 650 new Yankee Stadiums.
-If you lined up $700 billion end to end, it would stretch to the sun and burn.
-$700 billion would weigh about 210,000,000,000 pounds.
-You could wrap $700 billion around the equator 8,000 times. But someone might take it.
-You could buy just under 700 stealth bombers with $700 billion.
-With $700 billion, you could buy 24,137,931,034 Thanksgiving sweaters on eBay for $29 each. You would still have about $14 left over.
-You could also buy 155,555,555,555 matching Thanksgiving sweaters for your 7,000,000,000 American Girl dolls.
-With $700 billion, you could give two Wii's and a couple games to everyone in North America.
-If you like baseball - you could buy premium season ticket seats for the Seattle Mariners for the next 160 million years

Dear Random Black Kid Giving Me the Stinkeye in an Online Ad for Life Insurance,

You've got a lot to learn about the world, son. If you start caring about every little thing, like whether complete strangers have life insurance, you're not going to have enough time to focus on what's really important: you. You've got to really run over yourself with a fine-tooth comb - and don't skip the naughty bits, either, because there are usually a lot of creatures there that can only be caught by a fine-tooth comb or fire, and trust me, you're going to want to take option 1 there.

Anyway, after years of narcissism, you may finally be where I am now: far too self-involved to ever love another human being. And that helps you streamline your life process so that you don't waste a lot of time on other people, worrying about whether they've got life insurance or not, or frankly, caring whether they live or die.

You've got a lot of growing up to do, sir. Just make sure you quit eye-effing strangers like me about trivial crap, or you won't live long enough to do it. I'm not the type to hold a grudge, because once again, time spent thinking about other people is always time wasted, but most other folks aren't so enlightened.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go serenade me with a love song I wrote for myself.

Sincerely,
Me

WHAT?!!!??

Clay Aiken is gay.

Yep, I just found out this morning. I had no clue. Now what? How do I pick up the pieces and move on? Yeesh.

There are a lot of celebrities out there that are gay that no one realizes.

Elton John for one. Liberace was gay also. Ellen Degeneres? Gay. George Michael, perhaps thought of as the world’s manliest man - is also gay. KD Lang? Vegetarian. And gay.

How about Chuck Norris? Gay. Steven Segal? Likes Asian boys. Jon Bon Jovi occasionally has his anus entered by gentlemen. No biggie.

In fact, I’m pretty sure EVERY celebrity is gay. Do you think John Wayne swaggered like that because he was tough? No, he swaggered like that in his movies because the previous night before filming was spent frolicking with dark Italian men in vats full of pink jello.

I for one prefer it that way. I wish more people were gay, maybe smoking would still be acceptable in restaurants if more gay people owned them. Public washrooms might be a lot cleaner, and if more city mayors were gay, there would probably be a lot more flowers in public places. And more flowers in public places means that it’s a lot easier for me to get my mom a bouquet for mother’s day.

Also, every gay person I’ve met has been pretty awesome and chillax (LOVE YOU AE). I bet spilling a cup of coffee on a gay person’s brand new carpet is nothing to them compared to them telling their father that he’s probably never going to have grandchildren. I’m pretty sure that coming out of the closet has a big way of putting trivial issues into perspective.

I bet Jesus was gay. Who did he surround himself with? A bunch of men. Did he get married? Nope, he never even had a girlfriend as far as we know. If he were straight, for SURE the Bible would be full of quotes like, “My brothers, I decree that last night thouest truly did bang twelve hot Sodomites in El Casa de Awesomness,” or, “Take a wild guess which Son of God got a B.J. during the sermon on the mount? THIS Son of God, Amen!”

Jesus made water into wine for God’s sakes - if he were straight he would have made water into Budweiser or whiskey. He also walked everywhere, if he were a heterosexual he probably would have drove a big massive truck from place to place, preaching and firing “Christianity Rocks” t-shirts from a big air cannon mounted in the back.

Also when Jesus came back from the dead, the first thing he did was carry on his mission. If he were a straight guy, he would have probably given up on the whole preaching business and went and worked on his restored Trans Am in the garage instead. Cause a straight guy would rather do anything than walk around talking to strange people and improving himself, especially when pain of death may be involved.

Anyways, that’s about all I have to say about gay people for right