What the effing crap? That angel guy just felt me up

I've seen this going around but never paid any attention to it until a friend whose sense of humor I trust sent it to me with a note that read, This is so blog-worthy. What were they thinking with those 80s videos that we all watched and took very seriously?

I laughed until gold dust fell out of my fancy mask.

The Decapitation of Bret Michaels

Monday morning. Kill me now. The only thing that’s helping me make it through the day are all of the insanely stupid stories being featured on CNN today. Front page stories that include thrilling headlines like “Stephen Colbert gets Military Haircut” or “Ticker: Ears Looked Just like Obama’s, Aide Says.”

By far the most compelling headline of all is “Bret Micheals Hit's Prop at Tony Awards.” What the hell is he doing at the Tony Awards? I mean, sure, he enjoys surrounding himself by drama (case in point: Rock of Love Season 1, Rock of Love Season 2, and Rock of Love: Bus). A bunch of crazy strippers punching each other and pouring salsa in one another’s suitcases is one type of drama, Bret Michaels performing at the Tony Awards is quite another.



I’m kind of pissed that I missed the whole damn thing. I imagine flocks of skanks coming out of wings trying to rescue his bandana and extensions.

Comedy gold…

Thug Life

I've always had really weird dreams. So weird that I think some people think I'm just making it up when I tell them.

I wish someone would invent a machine that could be hooked up to someones brain and record their dreams. Then you could watch them like you're watching TV. If they did, here's what you could have been watching if you were tuned to the Sandy’s Dream Channel last night:

I was in Mexico and I was trapped in a car. I couldn't get out because these dogs were trying to attack me. The dogs finally left and I was able to get out.

Once out of the car though, this gang approached me and they said they were going to kill me. They walk away to prepare themselves and this weird guy approaches me and tells me that I (like him) have the ability to transform into any creature thus helping me defend myself against the gang that's going to kill me.

So the weird guy says, "You can change..just like this"...

He spins around and all of a sudden he looks like Santa Claus. But a disheveled Mexican Santa. Proudly he says, "You see, when the gang comes back, do you really think they're going to want to kill Santa? .....Thinks about it.

"I remember thinking.."What the hell?"....

Then I woke up. True story.

The Subway Cheese Conspiracy

I really hate the way Subway places the cheese on their subs in a stupid overlapping fashion that defies all logic. But some clever internet sleuth with a camera has proven me wrong. There apparently is a logic applied to the madness!



You see?? It's all just a scam to promote orders of extra cheese! Bastards!

So today I got on my high horse and walked to the nearest Subway to order a turkey & cheese, and when the Asian sandwich artist placed my cheddar in the usual overlapping fashion, I said with just a tad of smug self-righteousness, "could you please make sure that the cheese doesn't overlap?"

When she replied, "What?", I wasn't sure if a) she had not heard me, b) she was caught off-guard by my stupid request, or c) I had misjudged her familiarity with the English language.

I repeated my stupid request and she queried, "you want extra cheese?"

"Aha!" I thought, preparing for the subsequent consumer-rights battle in my head. I said, "no, I just want you to flip that middle piece of cheese so that it covers all the bread."

I expected resistance, but she got the best of me by retaining total eye-contact with me as she flippantly flopped that middle piece of cheese, as requested, and pushed the sandwich into the waiting hands of the veggie expert down the line. Her vacant expression and cold stare were the only cues I needed to understand that this battle was not only beneath her, but that I had absolutely no chance of winning regardless.

I walk a little less tall today.

Jon Minus 9

Since IHNIM has it’s finger on the pulse that is everything Pop Culture, I’ve been loosely following the Jon and Kate Plus 8 “controversy” just for you. As a female with no children, I’m not particularly familiar with the show, so I figured it was my duty to do more research and see if there’s something mockable. But man, I really respect Kate now after seeing this video.



She’s deploying her children as though they were slaves! But then acting like she just did it for an adorable TV bit. That’s SO CLEVER. In my apartment, I’m forced to lug around objects and pour my own beverages but meanwhile this woman who has no job just makes her little kids wait on her. Sure, right now it’s lugging gallons of juice, but soon it’ll be adorable trips to rake the leaves or cute adventures in soldering together a table. Oh and the very special vacation episode in which Kate goes to the Bahamas while the kids build and varnish a patio. Then again, based upon half the ethnicity of the children, White Devil Kate may just want a railroad built. It’s genius, I tell you. Genius!

Regarding the adultery though, who cares? Kate needs an, ahem, larger gentleman to fill her stretched out love cave. And Jon needs to get some side trim after Kate’s cooch has been ravaged like that tauntaun that Luke Skywalker slept inside in Star Wars. So hey, let them both roam.

V

Remember the 1980's sci-fi TV series "V"? You don't, oh that's right I was loser and spent Friday nights at home with my parents. It's about and alien invasion of flesh-eating reptilians who take human form known as The Visitors. One of my favorite things to do during the show was to pretend to rip my face off to show my reptile underskin to my little sister. Man that was hilarious, sis didn't think it was so funny.




Anyway, ABC is remaking this shitacular show for the 2009 Fall season. One of the new cast members is Elizabeth Mitchell, Juliette from my favorite show LOST. I know LOST only hs one season left, but did she have to leave LOST and to do the new V? Yeah she did go out with a bang (pun intended) but it would've been nice to see Juliette and Sawyer get together at the finale.

So check out the trailer for the new series and let me know what you think?

Woops...

This morning I was working on a project and needed an image to spice things up a bit. Clipart tends to suck my left one (and not in a good way), so I typically find myself going to Getty Images to illegally download something and use it for work purposes.

Much to my surprised ACCESS DENIED appeared on my screen along with a little message about how the website violated our internet standards. Awesome, red flag has been sent to IT. Why on earth would work put up a firewall against Getty Images? Could it because there are nudie pictures on there? Perhaps that’s what they classify as “inappropriate content.” Crap.

Then I checked the web address again. Um, my bad. Apparently www.gettyinmates.com is NOT okay here, but www.gettyimages.com is okay.

Now I’m dying to find out what the hell kind of stuff they have at that first web address…