Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
25 Random (and Untrue) Things About Me
1. My sister once killed a moose with her bare hands.
2. I had a two year relationship with the only legally-blind United States Governor.
3. I taught Dane Cook everything he knows (sorry everyone)
4. I speak 14 different languages, but no one has heard of them.
5. My dad invented the spork, but lost the rights to the patent in a poker game.
6. I once convinced Kurt Warner to convert to Islam, but it only lasted one day after he found out that I tricked him and that Muslims don’t actually get free toppings at Pizza Hut.
7. For ten years, I successfully predicted the outcome of every Super Bowl to the exact final score - until I started putting money on them.
8. If you rearrange the letters in my full name, it spells a word that means “hairdresser to the stars” in Swahili.
9. I taught Kanye West everything he knows (sorry everyone).
10. When I was 9 years old, I once farted The Alphabet Song on an unaired episode of The Gong Show.
11. Stan Lee, creator of Spider-Man, helped my mom deliver me in the back of a 1975 Volkswagon on Haight & Ashbury in San Franciso.
12. I once beat up former UFC champion, but only after the horse tranqulizers kicked in.
13. I taught Lars Ulrich of Metallica everything he knows (I can’t apologize enough for that one).
14. From ages 8 to 13 I was able to telepathically communicate with ferrets until I got hit by an ice cream truck.
15. Despite what you have been lead to believe, this entire financial crisis began because of a bad check I wrote to a Shell station in Meridian, Idaho for $7.32.
16. I once slapped a man so hard he changed his name.
17. Every man I have ever slept with but not been in a relationship with has gone on to run for public office.
18. Because of an injury to my brain I am unable to spell the word “dgdtehdh” (that’s not how you spell it)
19. Paris Hilton once had the potential to be a scientist in the field of biochemistry until we went out for shots of Patron that one time.
20. I convinced Radio Shack to change their slogan to “You Got Questions, We’ve Got Answers” from their previous slogan “What The Hell Do You Want From Us?!”
21. As a child, my parents would not only tell me that gypsies left me on their doorstep, but would go into great detail about the lengths they went to find said gypsies and make them take me back.
22. I once spent the night in jail for pushing a midget down the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.
23. I am allergic to orange wallpaper.
24. Everyone in my extended family over the age of 40 has been a professional wrestler at one point in their lives.
25. I was once legally married to a squid for thirty-two minutes
2. I had a two year relationship with the only legally-blind United States Governor.
3. I taught Dane Cook everything he knows (sorry everyone)
4. I speak 14 different languages, but no one has heard of them.
5. My dad invented the spork, but lost the rights to the patent in a poker game.
6. I once convinced Kurt Warner to convert to Islam, but it only lasted one day after he found out that I tricked him and that Muslims don’t actually get free toppings at Pizza Hut.
7. For ten years, I successfully predicted the outcome of every Super Bowl to the exact final score - until I started putting money on them.
8. If you rearrange the letters in my full name, it spells a word that means “hairdresser to the stars” in Swahili.
9. I taught Kanye West everything he knows (sorry everyone).
10. When I was 9 years old, I once farted The Alphabet Song on an unaired episode of The Gong Show.
11. Stan Lee, creator of Spider-Man, helped my mom deliver me in the back of a 1975 Volkswagon on Haight & Ashbury in San Franciso.
12. I once beat up former UFC champion, but only after the horse tranqulizers kicked in.
13. I taught Lars Ulrich of Metallica everything he knows (I can’t apologize enough for that one).
14. From ages 8 to 13 I was able to telepathically communicate with ferrets until I got hit by an ice cream truck.
15. Despite what you have been lead to believe, this entire financial crisis began because of a bad check I wrote to a Shell station in Meridian, Idaho for $7.32.
16. I once slapped a man so hard he changed his name.
17. Every man I have ever slept with but not been in a relationship with has gone on to run for public office.
18. Because of an injury to my brain I am unable to spell the word “dgdtehdh” (that’s not how you spell it)
19. Paris Hilton once had the potential to be a scientist in the field of biochemistry until we went out for shots of Patron that one time.
20. I convinced Radio Shack to change their slogan to “You Got Questions, We’ve Got Answers” from their previous slogan “What The Hell Do You Want From Us?!”
21. As a child, my parents would not only tell me that gypsies left me on their doorstep, but would go into great detail about the lengths they went to find said gypsies and make them take me back.
22. I once spent the night in jail for pushing a midget down the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.
23. I am allergic to orange wallpaper.
24. Everyone in my extended family over the age of 40 has been a professional wrestler at one point in their lives.
25. I was once legally married to a squid for thirty-two minutes
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Online Dating...
In the beginning of 2009, I mentioned I'd give online dating another shot. Well it's been three weeks and nothing really promising to report. Actually it's pretty bad, traumatizing if you will. You know how sometimes when you have a traumatic experience you block it from your memory, but sometimes you’ve done such a good job at blocking the terrible memory that you go and put yourself into the EXACT same situation that causes the memory in the first place and then you end up having flashbacks and nightmares and the next thing you know you’ve got tin foil on all of your windows and the only place you feel safe is in the bathtub while you’re wearing your high heels a tiara and your favorite apron? Online dating is kind of like that for me.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? I sign up with a site, have a terrible experience, close out my account, and then a few months go by. Sometimes I’m hit on by old men, sometimes by those that can’t form a coherent sentence, and other times I end up with someone like the Dentist from hell.
Let me share some examples. I’ve gone ahead and made a nice collage of some of the “gentlemen” that are interested in meeting me. Hmm…which one would you choose?
Shall we go for the one that he’s going to molest all the children in my family? Hmm…or maybe for the one that looks like he’s trying to “mad pimp”? Nah, how about for T. Rex (named because of his teeny tiny little arms)? Or maybe we’ll just go for the young Fat Bastard? So many options to choose from…
Perhaps I should just stop being so shallow and go ahead and get to know someone that has mastered the English Language:
About Me
I‘m humorous, sincerity, honesty and speak clear to the point. I love talking to people and a visionary and futuristic. I am gracious, humble and intelligent. I am playful, caring and very caring personally. In actuality, I am a very diverse individual with many interest, talents and desires. I enjoy researching and balancing life. I believe in being attracted to each other for balanced chemistry and will become hopeless romantic when it happens. I enjoy walking a lot. I like a variety of ethnic foods. My favorite vacation spots are places with plenty to do in an exotic environment and like living a magical life which includes holding hands, sharing time and fond glances often, and life pregnant with communication among other things. I look forward to when I shall be connected in mind and heart with a lady I’ll name First Lady. I’m interested in a physically, spiritual and mentally whole lady who is romantically savvy, growing from friendship, companionship to love! I am open to be with someone who mutually cares and respects. Someone who would desire meeting a down to earth personality which my friends say is my hallmark. She should be honest, sincere, fun loving, sensitive, and a passionate person and must be much smarter than the average. I am seeking someone who is goal oriented and believes that any and all things are possible. Who is interested in true love and is a hopeless romantic. My partner to be must be genuine, sincere, outgoing, cheerful, optimistic and intelligent.
I don’t know about you, but I’m totally digging a life that’s “pregnant with communication”. What the hell does that mean??
Next time I decide to try online dating, can you please shake me until my ears bleed and then show me this post? Thanks!
Why do I keep doing this to myself? I sign up with a site, have a terrible experience, close out my account, and then a few months go by. Sometimes I’m hit on by old men, sometimes by those that can’t form a coherent sentence, and other times I end up with someone like the Dentist from hell.
Let me share some examples. I’ve gone ahead and made a nice collage of some of the “gentlemen” that are interested in meeting me. Hmm…which one would you choose?
Shall we go for the one that he’s going to molest all the children in my family? Hmm…or maybe for the one that looks like he’s trying to “mad pimp”? Nah, how about for T. Rex (named because of his teeny tiny little arms)? Or maybe we’ll just go for the young Fat Bastard? So many options to choose from…
Perhaps I should just stop being so shallow and go ahead and get to know someone that has mastered the English Language:
About Me
I‘m humorous, sincerity, honesty and speak clear to the point. I love talking to people and a visionary and futuristic. I am gracious, humble and intelligent. I am playful, caring and very caring personally. In actuality, I am a very diverse individual with many interest, talents and desires. I enjoy researching and balancing life. I believe in being attracted to each other for balanced chemistry and will become hopeless romantic when it happens. I enjoy walking a lot. I like a variety of ethnic foods. My favorite vacation spots are places with plenty to do in an exotic environment and like living a magical life which includes holding hands, sharing time and fond glances often, and life pregnant with communication among other things. I look forward to when I shall be connected in mind and heart with a lady I’ll name First Lady. I’m interested in a physically, spiritual and mentally whole lady who is romantically savvy, growing from friendship, companionship to love! I am open to be with someone who mutually cares and respects. Someone who would desire meeting a down to earth personality which my friends say is my hallmark. She should be honest, sincere, fun loving, sensitive, and a passionate person and must be much smarter than the average. I am seeking someone who is goal oriented and believes that any and all things are possible. Who is interested in true love and is a hopeless romantic. My partner to be must be genuine, sincere, outgoing, cheerful, optimistic and intelligent.
I don’t know about you, but I’m totally digging a life that’s “pregnant with communication”. What the hell does that mean??
Next time I decide to try online dating, can you please shake me until my ears bleed and then show me this post? Thanks!
Friday night alone with Yoda
**this was to post Friday night, but blogspot decided tobe a bitch and give me error messages everytime I tried to hit the Publish Post button...better late than never right**
Here we are on a Friday night, and guess who’s home? Alone? In front of the TV? Again?
On the plus side, there’s no Star Wars going on anywhere in my house. Oh no, dear friends. Today I’m watching repeats of Law & Order: SVU in hopes that it’s an episode where Chris Meloni takes his shirt off. So hot…
Oh, and did I mention I’m watching Yoda videos?
one more...
I love it when he’s saying he has bitches coming over. And the drunk dialing is hilarious.
I need to get a life in the worst way. Pretty sure that admitting to the public that I’m staying at home on a Friday watching Star Wars and watching Yoda video is not going to get me laid.
Here we are on a Friday night, and guess who’s home? Alone? In front of the TV? Again?
On the plus side, there’s no Star Wars going on anywhere in my house. Oh no, dear friends. Today I’m watching repeats of Law & Order: SVU in hopes that it’s an episode where Chris Meloni takes his shirt off. So hot…
Oh, and did I mention I’m watching Yoda videos?
one more...
I love it when he’s saying he has bitches coming over. And the drunk dialing is hilarious.
I need to get a life in the worst way. Pretty sure that admitting to the public that I’m staying at home on a Friday watching Star Wars and watching Yoda video is not going to get me laid.
Rock of Love: Bus Crash
If you’re not watching this show, you should be. There has never, ever been anything on TV like “Rock of Love: Bus”. Yeah, yeah, I know this is the 3rd season, but you can’t imagine the kind of stuff that goes on here. The girls on the show make Tila Tequila look like an old school marm. These girls are a mess. Lord only knows which rocks these young “ladies” are coming from.
I now present you with the top 10 reasons that you should be watching this show.
-A combined IQ of 100,
-46 fake breasts,
-Girl fight in the first 10 minutes of the show,
-Bret Michaels makes out with a girl, 2 minutes after she pukes,
-You can meet an aspiring Madam,
-Did I mention there’s a girl fight that involves strangling?
-There’s an ex pornstar on the show…who is needy as sin and enjoys crying for no reason,
-You know it’s gotta be good when a Penthouse Pet of the year is among the most conservative of the bunch,
-The trainwreck that is “DJ Lady Tribe” reading off the original rap she wrote for Bret Michaels…on the back of a sheet of paper that has the word HERPES printed across the top.
and the number 1 reason you should be watching “Rock of Love: Bus” is: 2 words, cooter shooter.
Oh, and kids, this list is only taking into account the first episode of this season. I didn’t even mention the past-her-prime porn store sharing her FIVE pages of wedding vows or sobbing like her baby had just died when she didn’t win the date from the first challenge.
I now present you with the top 10 reasons that you should be watching this show.
-A combined IQ of 100,
-46 fake breasts,
-Girl fight in the first 10 minutes of the show,
-Bret Michaels makes out with a girl, 2 minutes after she pukes,
-You can meet an aspiring Madam,
-Did I mention there’s a girl fight that involves strangling?
-There’s an ex pornstar on the show…who is needy as sin and enjoys crying for no reason,
-You know it’s gotta be good when a Penthouse Pet of the year is among the most conservative of the bunch,
-The trainwreck that is “DJ Lady Tribe” reading off the original rap she wrote for Bret Michaels…on the back of a sheet of paper that has the word HERPES printed across the top.
and the number 1 reason you should be watching “Rock of Love: Bus” is: 2 words, cooter shooter.
Oh, and kids, this list is only taking into account the first episode of this season. I didn’t even mention the past-her-prime porn store sharing her FIVE pages of wedding vows or sobbing like her baby had just died when she didn’t win the date from the first challenge.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
When "Going Green = Seeing Red!
I just threw up in my mouth a little, no really. Damn it, why did I have to be eating a snack? Vomit taste in my mouth. YUCK!
Like I do most days at work, I was fooling around on the internet. Long story short, I ended up on the Etsy site. If you’ve never seen it before, you should go - right after you finish reading this post. It’s essentially on online marketplace for tons of great homemade goodies. Also some not-so-great homemade goodies. Either because the items have zero usage or because they’re as ugly as sin.
Like I do most days at work, I was fooling around on the internet. Long story short, I ended up on the Etsy site. If you’ve never seen it before, you should go - right after you finish reading this post. It’s essentially on online marketplace for tons of great homemade goodies. Also some not-so-great homemade goodies. Either because the items have zero usage or because they’re as ugly as sin.
Anyway, being the environmentally responsible citizen I pretend that I am (she types just after drinking from her plastic straw in her Styrofoam cup), I’m looking for some reusable sandwich baggies. I freaking hate throwing so many plastic bags away each year. Such an incredible waste.
So there I was happily perusing the search results from my “reusable” search term when I suddenly stumbled on these: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6752034
Can you tell what it is? Let me give you a hint. Here’s the description: ”Nice to Your Ladybits and to Mother Nature’s!”
I just threw up, again.
People, these are reusable menstrual pads. That means, that you bleed all over them and then you wash them and then you use them again. Just threw up some more. That is gross! Look, I’m all for not generating a ton of waste (which is why I use tampons that are biodegradable) but THIS is just too far!
There are 2 major problems with this:
1. Menstrual pads are gross as sin. You’re basically sitting in your own blood and they stick to you and then they wad up and you leak and I still have terrible nightmares from when I first got my period and had to use pads and would wake up soaked in my own blood and the thought is making me sick and probably you sick too and we should just stop here.
2. If you look closely at the image, you’ll see that there are little pictures of sugar bowls and other baking implements. This print is all wrong! And don’t even get me started on the one with the ants!
Okay, maybe I’m being too judgemental here. Maybe I should join the green revolution and just buy some and start wearing them (yuck) to save the planet.
No. Can’t do it.
But if you choose to do it, by all means. I’ll be honest with you here, this seller is actually a genius. There are people that take “going green” to a whole different level who would love to use these. If you’re one of them, here’s to you for loving the planet way more than I do.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Brilliant Ideas
At one point a few months back I created a text file on my computer and named it "Brilliant Ideas". I planned to use it to document the millions of untamed brilliant ideas that float through my head on a daily basis.
You could call them inventions, I suppose, but my Brilliant Idea Text File wasn't actually meant to explain how these inventions could be actualized. That wasn't the point. My job was to be the brilliant idea guy. I figured I could pay some grunt to do the dirty work if necessary. Eventually, these inventions would lead to my becoming a millionaire. The Brilliant Idea Text File was itself a brilliant idea.
A few months later the Brilliant Idea Text File had a total of three supposedly brilliant ideas in it. I reviewed it today and realized that I might want to hold off on my plans of becoming a millionaire.
For example: one idea was to invent a nightlight that flashed and blinked in a certain fashion in order to mimic a TV screen, so that if you went away on vacation you could simply turn on your TV Nightlight® and any lurking burglar would think that someone was always home and enjoying some television. But upon re-evaluation of this idea, I realized that an actual TV on a timer could accomplish the same trick, and would most likely use up the same amount of energy. Not such a brilliant idea after all.
One of my other brilliant ideas was much more practical. Basically, someone needs to invent frost-free glass for grocery stores so that after some dumb lady in the frozen dinner aisle stands in front of an open freezer for five minutes picking out her Lean Cuisines, the door doesn't frost over making it impossible for any subsequent shoppers to see their frozen entree options without having to open the damn freezer and stand in the cold for five minutes themselves.
This would have come in particularly handy for me the other day after I found myself in that exact situation in front of a frosted over freezer door at the grocery store. Due to the fact that a previous customer had stood with the freezer door open for far too long, I was forced to hold my grocery basket in one hand and the door open with the other in order to see the available Lean Cuisine selections. When I saw my beloved Thai-Style Chicken, I let go of the freezer door and reached wantonly for the box, causing the door to bonk against my head with a dull thud sound. This would have been no big deal had my hair not been damp from the rain and the door not been frosted, because when I went to stand up I realized my head was partially frozen to the door.
Rather than hang there awkwardly and whine like Flick from A Christmas Story with his tongue stuck to a metal pole, I stood up quickly to avoid any attention from fellow shoppers, leaving a few strands of my hair stuck to the inside of the freezer door. It was kinda gross in a food-and-hair-don't-mix kind of way, but I had to hightail it out of there before anyone saw me in such a vulnerable position. The hair is probably still there as I type.
Now granted, this story is probably not typical, but I still think it's a viable idea. Someone needs to invent frost-free glass asap. I don't care if it requires someone to break the laws of physics to accomplish, they just need to get it done. I don't even need any credit for the idea. I'm giving that one out as a freebie. And dust-repellent candles would be nice while you're at it, too.
Man, that was a long way to go just to say "I got my head stuck to a grocery store freezer door", but whatever.
You could call them inventions, I suppose, but my Brilliant Idea Text File wasn't actually meant to explain how these inventions could be actualized. That wasn't the point. My job was to be the brilliant idea guy. I figured I could pay some grunt to do the dirty work if necessary. Eventually, these inventions would lead to my becoming a millionaire. The Brilliant Idea Text File was itself a brilliant idea.
A few months later the Brilliant Idea Text File had a total of three supposedly brilliant ideas in it. I reviewed it today and realized that I might want to hold off on my plans of becoming a millionaire.
For example: one idea was to invent a nightlight that flashed and blinked in a certain fashion in order to mimic a TV screen, so that if you went away on vacation you could simply turn on your TV Nightlight® and any lurking burglar would think that someone was always home and enjoying some television. But upon re-evaluation of this idea, I realized that an actual TV on a timer could accomplish the same trick, and would most likely use up the same amount of energy. Not such a brilliant idea after all.
One of my other brilliant ideas was much more practical. Basically, someone needs to invent frost-free glass for grocery stores so that after some dumb lady in the frozen dinner aisle stands in front of an open freezer for five minutes picking out her Lean Cuisines, the door doesn't frost over making it impossible for any subsequent shoppers to see their frozen entree options without having to open the damn freezer and stand in the cold for five minutes themselves.
This would have come in particularly handy for me the other day after I found myself in that exact situation in front of a frosted over freezer door at the grocery store. Due to the fact that a previous customer had stood with the freezer door open for far too long, I was forced to hold my grocery basket in one hand and the door open with the other in order to see the available Lean Cuisine selections. When I saw my beloved Thai-Style Chicken, I let go of the freezer door and reached wantonly for the box, causing the door to bonk against my head with a dull thud sound. This would have been no big deal had my hair not been damp from the rain and the door not been frosted, because when I went to stand up I realized my head was partially frozen to the door.
Rather than hang there awkwardly and whine like Flick from A Christmas Story with his tongue stuck to a metal pole, I stood up quickly to avoid any attention from fellow shoppers, leaving a few strands of my hair stuck to the inside of the freezer door. It was kinda gross in a food-and-hair-don't-mix kind of way, but I had to hightail it out of there before anyone saw me in such a vulnerable position. The hair is probably still there as I type.
Now granted, this story is probably not typical, but I still think it's a viable idea. Someone needs to invent frost-free glass asap. I don't care if it requires someone to break the laws of physics to accomplish, they just need to get it done. I don't even need any credit for the idea. I'm giving that one out as a freebie. And dust-repellent candles would be nice while you're at it, too.
Man, that was a long way to go just to say "I got my head stuck to a grocery store freezer door", but whatever.
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