I'm thinking of printing these and passing them out in Vegas next week.

I Have No Inner Monologue presents...

I have a question: who the hell is Tyler Perry?

I mean, I know who he is, because when I was watching episodes of SVU on TBS, I constantly see commercials for his sitcom, in which he plays a half-dozen characters. It looks hilarious (sarcasm, much of it), and appears to be filled with the characters laughing at each other and then there’s a lot of threats to throw different people of the house. Recently he had a movie out called "Why Did I Get Married?" and ads were placed all over town. And now he’s got another movie coming out, "Meet the Browns," with ads everywhere as well. Seattle officially has Tyler Perry fever.

What’s most impressive about all these ads and commercials is that they’re prefaced with "Tyler Perry Presents…" Do you know how much of a badass you have to be in Hollywood to get that line on or above a tv show or movie? The answer: extremely, extremely badass. Just-below-God badass. I-swim-around-in-a-room-piled-high-with-gold-like-Scrooge-McDuck-only-he’s-my-fucking-butler-because-I-can-afford-him badass. And yet I, as an average 33 year old Hispanic female and have absolutely no familiarity at all with Tyler Perry. And then I read this from wikipedia:

"Perry produces a television show titled Tyler Perry’s House of Payne, which follows a working-class, African-American household with three generations of family within it. The show seeks to illustrate struggles with faith and love, as well as showing how to coexist with the generation gap. The show ran briefly in Spring 2006 as a 10 show pilot. After a successful pilot run, Perry signed a $200 million dollar 100 episode deal with TBS." (bold added)

In summary, I’m going to drop all you white jerks and focus on cultivating my African-American household-based humor. If Tyler Perry can get $200 million, I can probably squeeze $20,000 out of someone, which would make me 1/10,000th as good as him. I’m totally, totally ok with that.

I want some chips but I am not hungry. What to do? What to do? As I decide what to do about it, I have this strange internal monologue going on between the part of me that wants the salty yum yums and the part of me that doesn’t want to be a fat little piggy.

The chips would be salty and delicious.
The fat that would be added to your hips-not delicious.

Yet, getting up out of this chair and walking down the stairs is exercise, right? Plus typing this post will help me burn at least 4 calories.
And that still isn’t going to help you burn off the calories from inhaling all those Grandma Utz chips yesterday. You pig. Can’t you say no to chips just for one day??

Mmm. . .salty chips.
Mmm. . .back fat.

Maybe I’ll get some french fries. With ketchup.
But you’re not hungry.

And yet I still want them.
And do you still want your muffin top? Because if you do, by all means, go get some fries.

Maybe I’ll have a muffin. Nope, I want something salty.
You don’t want chips. You are not hungry.

No, I’m not hungry, but I want them.
How about some self esteem? Do you want that?

Does it taste like chips and/or french fries?
Fine, go and eat stuff that’s bad for you and has zero nutritional value-unless you consider going up a size to be nutritional value.

I believe I will.
Pig.

I hate myself.
You should eat something to make you feel better.

Good idea. Feelings are delicious! Especially when they’re covered in salt and ketchup!

How could I forget that it’s St. Patrick’s Day weekend? Hello! Perfect excuse to booze it up and get all hungover. Magical and festive times. My girlfriend, Courtney Flaherty, just invited me to get see her perform with her dance troup on Sunday afternoon at an Irish Ceili. Can’t wait!

Bring on the Irish Car Bombs!

I wonder if this is from the Lord of the Rings extended cut?

Damn, nature, you sexy!

The Brave One

At the coffee shop near my house there is a "community journal" that asks a generic question on a daily basis and invites the coffee shop patrons to answer in participation. The other day the question was "Who do you think will win the Oscar for Best Picture?" to which the lone written answer was Hairspray, a film which wasn't even in the running, which I guess says a lot about my neighborhood. So while I waited for my tea to brew, I decided to flip through the journal to read the previous questions and answers to see if they were equally inspiring. That's when I came across the question "What is the bravest thing you've ever done?" The answers from those participating went something like this:

- Had a kid
- Had a baby
- Went to college
- Bought a car
- Had a baby
- Had a baby
- Had a kid
- Had a baby
- Wore a sleeveless dress
- Had a baby

I instantly felt bad for the obviously fat-armed participant who mustered up the guts to wear a sleeveless dress, because if that was indeed the bravest thing she's ever done then she either has the most boring life ever or mutant shoulders. I suppose it could have been written by a man, and that's where the bravery part comes in. I dunno.

But I was a little confused about why having a kid was suddenly and ubiquitously considered a "brave" thing to do. I can concede that raising a kid can be a lot of work and is in some cases a sincerely selfless act, but I hardly think that succumbing to the innate biological imperative to reproduce - an imperative that 95% of the rest of the population also succumbs to - can be considered "brave". If that's the case, then we may as well hand out medals to everyone who is brave enough to breathe oxygen and walk on two feet.

But then I started to feel judgmental about those self-important babymakers, mostly because I couldn't instantly think of anything I've done that could seriously be considered braver than locking yourself into that lifetime commitment of having a kid. The results after I sat down to write my own bravery list were less than impressive:

- Figured out how to ride the Seattle Metro Bus system
- Walked home drunk through the Seattle ghetto at 3am
- Moved to Seattle by myself
- Approached a celebrity in an Eyeglass Store
- Ate foie gras
- Um... ran a half marathon?

Lame indeed. But what really counts as being "brave" these days anyway? Combat in Iraq? Skydiving? Cold Water Rescue? The Iditarod? If that's what it takes to be considered brave then you can count me out. And in that case, I guess it's a good thing to actively lower the standards for what can and cannot be labeled as a brave act. So let's give it up for those brave babymakers:



Hip Hip Hooray!

Brilliant