As a 30-some year-old woman, I find it harder and harder to meet single men. There always seems to be something not-quite-right about the ones that I meet. Either they are just coming out of a marriage, are still living at home with mom and dad, have some terrible drinking problem, or are horrible sloppy kissers. Oh, and let’s not forget those emotionally needy, control freaks.
My friends try, they really do. The problem is that there comes a point where your friends begin to believe that they have the “perfect guy” for you. When it comes down to it, the only thing we have in common is that we’re both single. I learned long ago to stop allowing my friends to recommend guys. No thanks. It just saves everyone headaches.
Remember the time that I swore up and down that I would never do online dating again?
And then the time that I said I was going to try it again?
Well, I have officially signed up and am trying to recall what on earth made it seem like a good idea at the time. It’s been about 2 weeks or so, and already I’m considering throwing in the flipping towel.
It seems that, at least so far, I’ve either found guys that are in the process of separating from their wives, those that are still living at home with mom and dad, and those that don’t bother reading my profile where it clearly states that I am NOT interested if they’re over 42.
The other day a 48 year old guy (who was very large and bald) emailed me. I responded with “Thanks for the email. I’m actually looking for someone between 34-42
(I left out the part about how he would have known that if he had bothered to read my profile). Good luck in your search.” I figured it was better than just deleting the message and not saying anything.
Know how this jack hole responded? “sorry you feel that way..goodluck to you as well..you just might need it with that attitude.”
No wonder that d bag is still single
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Cinco de Mayo...
It’s a magical day today. A day where we should all spend our time mowing the lawn, washing dishes, cleaning hotel rooms, and drinking overpriced Mexican beer. That’s right, kids, it’s Cinco de Mayo. I’ll be home this evening wearing my sombrero and surround myself with bean burritos.
Ole!
As your Cinco treat, I'm sharing a Mexican hotty with you. People of earth, feast your eyes on Eduardo Verastegui.
Actor, model, and future star of my active (imaginary) sex life.
See, there are good things that come out of Mexico. Not just influenza and crappy beer.
Ole!
As your Cinco treat, I'm sharing a Mexican hotty with you. People of earth, feast your eyes on Eduardo Verastegui.
Actor, model, and future star of my active (imaginary) sex life.
See, there are good things that come out of Mexico. Not just influenza and crappy beer.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
25 Random (and Untrue) Things About Me
1. My sister once killed a moose with her bare hands.
2. I had a two year relationship with the only legally-blind United States Governor.
3. I taught Dane Cook everything he knows (sorry everyone)
4. I speak 14 different languages, but no one has heard of them.
5. My dad invented the spork, but lost the rights to the patent in a poker game.
6. I once convinced Kurt Warner to convert to Islam, but it only lasted one day after he found out that I tricked him and that Muslims don’t actually get free toppings at Pizza Hut.
7. For ten years, I successfully predicted the outcome of every Super Bowl to the exact final score - until I started putting money on them.
8. If you rearrange the letters in my full name, it spells a word that means “hairdresser to the stars” in Swahili.
9. I taught Kanye West everything he knows (sorry everyone).
10. When I was 9 years old, I once farted The Alphabet Song on an unaired episode of The Gong Show.
11. Stan Lee, creator of Spider-Man, helped my mom deliver me in the back of a 1975 Volkswagon on Haight & Ashbury in San Franciso.
12. I once beat up former UFC champion, but only after the horse tranqulizers kicked in.
13. I taught Lars Ulrich of Metallica everything he knows (I can’t apologize enough for that one).
14. From ages 8 to 13 I was able to telepathically communicate with ferrets until I got hit by an ice cream truck.
15. Despite what you have been lead to believe, this entire financial crisis began because of a bad check I wrote to a Shell station in Meridian, Idaho for $7.32.
16. I once slapped a man so hard he changed his name.
17. Every man I have ever slept with but not been in a relationship with has gone on to run for public office.
18. Because of an injury to my brain I am unable to spell the word “dgdtehdh” (that’s not how you spell it)
19. Paris Hilton once had the potential to be a scientist in the field of biochemistry until we went out for shots of Patron that one time.
20. I convinced Radio Shack to change their slogan to “You Got Questions, We’ve Got Answers” from their previous slogan “What The Hell Do You Want From Us?!”
21. As a child, my parents would not only tell me that gypsies left me on their doorstep, but would go into great detail about the lengths they went to find said gypsies and make them take me back.
22. I once spent the night in jail for pushing a midget down the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.
23. I am allergic to orange wallpaper.
24. Everyone in my extended family over the age of 40 has been a professional wrestler at one point in their lives.
25. I was once legally married to a squid for thirty-two minutes
2. I had a two year relationship with the only legally-blind United States Governor.
3. I taught Dane Cook everything he knows (sorry everyone)
4. I speak 14 different languages, but no one has heard of them.
5. My dad invented the spork, but lost the rights to the patent in a poker game.
6. I once convinced Kurt Warner to convert to Islam, but it only lasted one day after he found out that I tricked him and that Muslims don’t actually get free toppings at Pizza Hut.
7. For ten years, I successfully predicted the outcome of every Super Bowl to the exact final score - until I started putting money on them.
8. If you rearrange the letters in my full name, it spells a word that means “hairdresser to the stars” in Swahili.
9. I taught Kanye West everything he knows (sorry everyone).
10. When I was 9 years old, I once farted The Alphabet Song on an unaired episode of The Gong Show.
11. Stan Lee, creator of Spider-Man, helped my mom deliver me in the back of a 1975 Volkswagon on Haight & Ashbury in San Franciso.
12. I once beat up former UFC champion, but only after the horse tranqulizers kicked in.
13. I taught Lars Ulrich of Metallica everything he knows (I can’t apologize enough for that one).
14. From ages 8 to 13 I was able to telepathically communicate with ferrets until I got hit by an ice cream truck.
15. Despite what you have been lead to believe, this entire financial crisis began because of a bad check I wrote to a Shell station in Meridian, Idaho for $7.32.
16. I once slapped a man so hard he changed his name.
17. Every man I have ever slept with but not been in a relationship with has gone on to run for public office.
18. Because of an injury to my brain I am unable to spell the word “dgdtehdh” (that’s not how you spell it)
19. Paris Hilton once had the potential to be a scientist in the field of biochemistry until we went out for shots of Patron that one time.
20. I convinced Radio Shack to change their slogan to “You Got Questions, We’ve Got Answers” from their previous slogan “What The Hell Do You Want From Us?!”
21. As a child, my parents would not only tell me that gypsies left me on their doorstep, but would go into great detail about the lengths they went to find said gypsies and make them take me back.
22. I once spent the night in jail for pushing a midget down the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.
23. I am allergic to orange wallpaper.
24. Everyone in my extended family over the age of 40 has been a professional wrestler at one point in their lives.
25. I was once legally married to a squid for thirty-two minutes
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Online Dating...
In the beginning of 2009, I mentioned I'd give online dating another shot. Well it's been three weeks and nothing really promising to report. Actually it's pretty bad, traumatizing if you will. You know how sometimes when you have a traumatic experience you block it from your memory, but sometimes you’ve done such a good job at blocking the terrible memory that you go and put yourself into the EXACT same situation that causes the memory in the first place and then you end up having flashbacks and nightmares and the next thing you know you’ve got tin foil on all of your windows and the only place you feel safe is in the bathtub while you’re wearing your high heels a tiara and your favorite apron? Online dating is kind of like that for me.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? I sign up with a site, have a terrible experience, close out my account, and then a few months go by. Sometimes I’m hit on by old men, sometimes by those that can’t form a coherent sentence, and other times I end up with someone like the Dentist from hell.
Let me share some examples. I’ve gone ahead and made a nice collage of some of the “gentlemen” that are interested in meeting me. Hmm…which one would you choose?
Shall we go for the one that he’s going to molest all the children in my family? Hmm…or maybe for the one that looks like he’s trying to “mad pimp”? Nah, how about for T. Rex (named because of his teeny tiny little arms)? Or maybe we’ll just go for the young Fat Bastard? So many options to choose from…
Perhaps I should just stop being so shallow and go ahead and get to know someone that has mastered the English Language:
About Me
I‘m humorous, sincerity, honesty and speak clear to the point. I love talking to people and a visionary and futuristic. I am gracious, humble and intelligent. I am playful, caring and very caring personally. In actuality, I am a very diverse individual with many interest, talents and desires. I enjoy researching and balancing life. I believe in being attracted to each other for balanced chemistry and will become hopeless romantic when it happens. I enjoy walking a lot. I like a variety of ethnic foods. My favorite vacation spots are places with plenty to do in an exotic environment and like living a magical life which includes holding hands, sharing time and fond glances often, and life pregnant with communication among other things. I look forward to when I shall be connected in mind and heart with a lady I’ll name First Lady. I’m interested in a physically, spiritual and mentally whole lady who is romantically savvy, growing from friendship, companionship to love! I am open to be with someone who mutually cares and respects. Someone who would desire meeting a down to earth personality which my friends say is my hallmark. She should be honest, sincere, fun loving, sensitive, and a passionate person and must be much smarter than the average. I am seeking someone who is goal oriented and believes that any and all things are possible. Who is interested in true love and is a hopeless romantic. My partner to be must be genuine, sincere, outgoing, cheerful, optimistic and intelligent.
I don’t know about you, but I’m totally digging a life that’s “pregnant with communication”. What the hell does that mean??
Next time I decide to try online dating, can you please shake me until my ears bleed and then show me this post? Thanks!
Why do I keep doing this to myself? I sign up with a site, have a terrible experience, close out my account, and then a few months go by. Sometimes I’m hit on by old men, sometimes by those that can’t form a coherent sentence, and other times I end up with someone like the Dentist from hell.
Let me share some examples. I’ve gone ahead and made a nice collage of some of the “gentlemen” that are interested in meeting me. Hmm…which one would you choose?
Shall we go for the one that he’s going to molest all the children in my family? Hmm…or maybe for the one that looks like he’s trying to “mad pimp”? Nah, how about for T. Rex (named because of his teeny tiny little arms)? Or maybe we’ll just go for the young Fat Bastard? So many options to choose from…
Perhaps I should just stop being so shallow and go ahead and get to know someone that has mastered the English Language:
About Me
I‘m humorous, sincerity, honesty and speak clear to the point. I love talking to people and a visionary and futuristic. I am gracious, humble and intelligent. I am playful, caring and very caring personally. In actuality, I am a very diverse individual with many interest, talents and desires. I enjoy researching and balancing life. I believe in being attracted to each other for balanced chemistry and will become hopeless romantic when it happens. I enjoy walking a lot. I like a variety of ethnic foods. My favorite vacation spots are places with plenty to do in an exotic environment and like living a magical life which includes holding hands, sharing time and fond glances often, and life pregnant with communication among other things. I look forward to when I shall be connected in mind and heart with a lady I’ll name First Lady. I’m interested in a physically, spiritual and mentally whole lady who is romantically savvy, growing from friendship, companionship to love! I am open to be with someone who mutually cares and respects. Someone who would desire meeting a down to earth personality which my friends say is my hallmark. She should be honest, sincere, fun loving, sensitive, and a passionate person and must be much smarter than the average. I am seeking someone who is goal oriented and believes that any and all things are possible. Who is interested in true love and is a hopeless romantic. My partner to be must be genuine, sincere, outgoing, cheerful, optimistic and intelligent.
I don’t know about you, but I’m totally digging a life that’s “pregnant with communication”. What the hell does that mean??
Next time I decide to try online dating, can you please shake me until my ears bleed and then show me this post? Thanks!
Friday night alone with Yoda
**this was to post Friday night, but blogspot decided tobe a bitch and give me error messages everytime I tried to hit the Publish Post button...better late than never right**
Here we are on a Friday night, and guess who’s home? Alone? In front of the TV? Again?
On the plus side, there’s no Star Wars going on anywhere in my house. Oh no, dear friends. Today I’m watching repeats of Law & Order: SVU in hopes that it’s an episode where Chris Meloni takes his shirt off. So hot…
Oh, and did I mention I’m watching Yoda videos?
one more...
I love it when he’s saying he has bitches coming over. And the drunk dialing is hilarious.
I need to get a life in the worst way. Pretty sure that admitting to the public that I’m staying at home on a Friday watching Star Wars and watching Yoda video is not going to get me laid.
Here we are on a Friday night, and guess who’s home? Alone? In front of the TV? Again?
On the plus side, there’s no Star Wars going on anywhere in my house. Oh no, dear friends. Today I’m watching repeats of Law & Order: SVU in hopes that it’s an episode where Chris Meloni takes his shirt off. So hot…
Oh, and did I mention I’m watching Yoda videos?
one more...
I love it when he’s saying he has bitches coming over. And the drunk dialing is hilarious.
I need to get a life in the worst way. Pretty sure that admitting to the public that I’m staying at home on a Friday watching Star Wars and watching Yoda video is not going to get me laid.
Rock of Love: Bus Crash
If you’re not watching this show, you should be. There has never, ever been anything on TV like “Rock of Love: Bus”. Yeah, yeah, I know this is the 3rd season, but you can’t imagine the kind of stuff that goes on here. The girls on the show make Tila Tequila look like an old school marm. These girls are a mess. Lord only knows which rocks these young “ladies” are coming from.
I now present you with the top 10 reasons that you should be watching this show.
-A combined IQ of 100,
-46 fake breasts,
-Girl fight in the first 10 minutes of the show,
-Bret Michaels makes out with a girl, 2 minutes after she pukes,
-You can meet an aspiring Madam,
-Did I mention there’s a girl fight that involves strangling?
-There’s an ex pornstar on the show…who is needy as sin and enjoys crying for no reason,
-You know it’s gotta be good when a Penthouse Pet of the year is among the most conservative of the bunch,
-The trainwreck that is “DJ Lady Tribe” reading off the original rap she wrote for Bret Michaels…on the back of a sheet of paper that has the word HERPES printed across the top.
and the number 1 reason you should be watching “Rock of Love: Bus” is: 2 words, cooter shooter.
Oh, and kids, this list is only taking into account the first episode of this season. I didn’t even mention the past-her-prime porn store sharing her FIVE pages of wedding vows or sobbing like her baby had just died when she didn’t win the date from the first challenge.
I now present you with the top 10 reasons that you should be watching this show.
-A combined IQ of 100,
-46 fake breasts,
-Girl fight in the first 10 minutes of the show,
-Bret Michaels makes out with a girl, 2 minutes after she pukes,
-You can meet an aspiring Madam,
-Did I mention there’s a girl fight that involves strangling?
-There’s an ex pornstar on the show…who is needy as sin and enjoys crying for no reason,
-You know it’s gotta be good when a Penthouse Pet of the year is among the most conservative of the bunch,
-The trainwreck that is “DJ Lady Tribe” reading off the original rap she wrote for Bret Michaels…on the back of a sheet of paper that has the word HERPES printed across the top.
and the number 1 reason you should be watching “Rock of Love: Bus” is: 2 words, cooter shooter.
Oh, and kids, this list is only taking into account the first episode of this season. I didn’t even mention the past-her-prime porn store sharing her FIVE pages of wedding vows or sobbing like her baby had just died when she didn’t win the date from the first challenge.
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