Friday night alone with Yoda

**this was to post Friday night, but blogspot decided tobe a bitch and give me error messages everytime I tried to hit the Publish Post button...better late than never right**


Here we are on a Friday night, and guess who’s home? Alone? In front of the TV? Again?

On the plus side, there’s no Star Wars going on anywhere in my house. Oh no, dear friends. Today I’m watching repeats of Law & Order: SVU in hopes that it’s an episode where Chris Meloni takes his shirt off. So hot…

Oh, and did I mention I’m watching Yoda videos?



one more...




I love it when he’s saying he has bitches coming over. And the drunk dialing is hilarious.

I need to get a life in the worst way. Pretty sure that admitting to the public that I’m staying at home on a Friday watching Star Wars and watching Yoda video is not going to get me laid.

Rock of Love: Bus Crash

If you’re not watching this show, you should be. There has never, ever been anything on TV like “Rock of Love: Bus”. Yeah, yeah, I know this is the 3rd season, but you can’t imagine the kind of stuff that goes on here. The girls on the show make Tila Tequila look like an old school marm. These girls are a mess. Lord only knows which rocks these young “ladies” are coming from.
I now present you with the top 10 reasons that you should be watching this show.

-A combined IQ of 100,
-46 fake breasts,
-Girl fight in the first 10 minutes of the show,
-Bret Michaels makes out with a girl, 2 minutes after she pukes,
-You can meet an aspiring Madam,
-Did I mention there’s a girl fight that involves strangling?
-There’s an ex pornstar on the show…who is needy as sin and enjoys crying for no reason,
-You know it’s gotta be good when a Penthouse Pet of the year is among the most conservative of the bunch,
-The trainwreck that is “DJ Lady Tribe” reading off the original rap she wrote for Bret Michaels…on the back of a sheet of paper that has the word HERPES printed across the top.

and the number 1 reason you should be watching “Rock of Love: Bus” is: 2 words, cooter shooter.

Oh, and kids, this list is only taking into account the first episode of this season. I didn’t even mention the past-her-prime porn store sharing her FIVE pages of wedding vows or sobbing like her baby had just died when she didn’t win the date from the first challenge.

When "Going Green = Seeing Red!

I just threw up in my mouth a little, no really. Damn it, why did I have to be eating a snack? Vomit taste in my mouth. YUCK!

Like I do most days at work, I was fooling around on the internet. Long story short, I ended up on the Etsy site. If you’ve never seen it before, you should go - right after you finish reading this post. It’s essentially on online marketplace for tons of great homemade goodies. Also some not-so-great homemade goodies. Either because the items have zero usage or because they’re as ugly as sin.

Anyway, being the environmentally responsible citizen I pretend that I am (she types just after drinking from her plastic straw in her Styrofoam cup), I’m looking for some reusable sandwich baggies. I freaking hate throwing so many plastic bags away each year. Such an incredible waste.
So there I was happily perusing the search results from my “reusable” search term when I suddenly stumbled on these: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6752034

Can you tell what it is? Let me give you a hint. Here’s the description: ”Nice to Your Ladybits and to Mother Nature’s!”

I just threw up, again.

People, these are reusable menstrual pads. That means, that you bleed all over them and then you wash them and then you use them again. Just threw up some more. That is gross! Look, I’m all for not generating a ton of waste (which is why I use tampons that are biodegradable) but THIS is just too far!

There are 2 major problems with this:

1. Menstrual pads are gross as sin. You’re basically sitting in your own blood and they stick to you and then they wad up and you leak and I still have terrible nightmares from when I first got my period and had to use pads and would wake up soaked in my own blood and the thought is making me sick and probably you sick too and we should just stop here.

2. If you look closely at the image, you’ll see that there are little pictures of sugar bowls and other baking implements. This print is all wrong! And don’t even get me started on the one with the ants!

Okay, maybe I’m being too judgemental here. Maybe I should join the green revolution and just buy some and start wearing them (yuck) to save the planet.

No. Can’t do it.

But if you choose to do it, by all means. I’ll be honest with you here, this seller is actually a genius. There are people that take “going green” to a whole different level who would love to use these. If you’re one of them, here’s to you for loving the planet way more than I do.

Brilliant Ideas

At one point a few months back I created a text file on my computer and named it "Brilliant Ideas". I planned to use it to document the millions of untamed brilliant ideas that float through my head on a daily basis.

You could call them inventions, I suppose, but my Brilliant Idea Text File wasn't actually meant to explain how these inventions could be actualized. That wasn't the point. My job was to be the brilliant idea guy. I figured I could pay some grunt to do the dirty work if necessary. Eventually, these inventions would lead to my becoming a millionaire. The Brilliant Idea Text File was itself a brilliant idea.

A few months later the Brilliant Idea Text File had a total of three supposedly brilliant ideas in it. I reviewed it today and realized that I might want to hold off on my plans of becoming a millionaire.

For example: one idea was to invent a nightlight that flashed and blinked in a certain fashion in order to mimic a TV screen, so that if you went away on vacation you could simply turn on your TV Nightlight® and any lurking burglar would think that someone was always home and enjoying some television. But upon re-evaluation of this idea, I realized that an actual TV on a timer could accomplish the same trick, and would most likely use up the same amount of energy. Not such a brilliant idea after all.

One of my other brilliant ideas was much more practical. Basically, someone needs to invent frost-free glass for grocery stores so that after some dumb lady in the frozen dinner aisle stands in front of an open freezer for five minutes picking out her Lean Cuisines, the door doesn't frost over making it impossible for any subsequent shoppers to see their frozen entree options without having to open the damn freezer and stand in the cold for five minutes themselves.

This would have come in particularly handy for me the other day after I found myself in that exact situation in front of a frosted over freezer door at the grocery store. Due to the fact that a previous customer had stood with the freezer door open for far too long, I was forced to hold my grocery basket in one hand and the door open with the other in order to see the available Lean Cuisine selections. When I saw my beloved Thai-Style Chicken, I let go of the freezer door and reached wantonly for the box, causing the door to bonk against my head with a dull thud sound. This would have been no big deal had my hair not been damp from the rain and the door not been frosted, because when I went to stand up I realized my head was partially frozen to the door.

Rather than hang there awkwardly and whine like Flick from A Christmas Story with his tongue stuck to a metal pole, I stood up quickly to avoid any attention from fellow shoppers, leaving a few strands of my hair stuck to the inside of the freezer door. It was kinda gross in a food-and-hair-don't-mix kind of way, but I had to hightail it out of there before anyone saw me in such a vulnerable position. The hair is probably still there as I type.

Now granted, this story is probably not typical, but I still think it's a viable idea. Someone needs to invent frost-free glass asap. I don't care if it requires someone to break the laws of physics to accomplish, they just need to get it done. I don't even need any credit for the idea. I'm giving that one out as a freebie. And dust-repellent candles would be nice while you're at it, too.

Man, that was a long way to go just to say "I got my head stuck to a grocery store freezer door", but whatever.

Dating Resolution

If you’re like most people, you’re probably nursing a pretty bad case of the cocktail flu (hangover) this week. Ahh, the sweet sweet joys of New Year’s Day. There we all were last night celebrating the coming new year, drinking a mix of wine, vodka, beer and coffee liqueor, fighting with Belltown bitches for a cab at 2:00 am and making all those resolutions to make our lives better.

The New Year’s resolution: our chance to do something differently in hopes that life will be better in the new year. I find that the second I make one, I find myself breaking it on New Year’s Day. Let’s take that resolution to lose 20 pounds - that’s pretty much out the window when I inhaled McDonalds, 4 donuts, a 2 liter of Coke, and some leftover Christmas cookies on New Year’s Day. I usually don’t make resolutions, but I’ve decided to give them another go. This time, however, it’s going to be different. I can just feel it.

I’m not going to fool myself into believing that I’m actually going to lose 20 pounds, or go to the gym 5 days a week, or find a new job, or clean my bathroom every week, or go back to school, or stop mocking people. Instead, I’m going to focus my resolutions on dating.

Those of you that know me personally, you know that I have some pretty awful luck when it comes to dating. If I’m not busy making a bad decision that ends up with me in tears. I know, I know, I’ve picked some winners in the past. Well, that’s all about to change thanks to my 3 resolutions:

1. Dating.Com: Most of my friends are married, and they never have any available hot single men to introduce me to. Instead, I find that I hang my hopes on some random encounter when I’m out on the weekends. I’ve had little luck with this. I’ve taken a stab at online dating, but haven’t really taken it seriously. It’s about time I caught up with the rest of the world. I’m signing up for a minimum of 6 months with one of the big online dating services. I’m going to write that kick ass profile (really I’m just going to dust it off because it’s already pretty kick ass), find those cute pics, and I’m going to date at least one person a month. If it doesn’t work out, at least you all will have a wonderful story to read.

2. Snap Judgements: It’s probably a shocker to believe, but I’m quick to judge. I know within the first 5 seconds if I’m willing to give someone a shot. In some cases, I end up with losers (like the one that lied to me about being single, bedded me, and then sent me a Christmas card informing me that he had had a girlfriend when we were busy knocking boots). We can also assume that I’m probably letting some good ones slip through my fingers. As of today, I’m saying no to the 5 second rule. It no longer applies to men, only to food that’s fallen on the floor.

3. Make Out Sessions in Cars: I’m voting no on this one. Thinking back over the last 2 years, I can’t think of a single make out session in a parked car that ended up with anything more than a bad memory and driving around Tacoma wondering where the hell I was. Sure, it makes for a good story, but I have to live with knowing that I made out in a bar parking lot with some tool that owns a muscle car. That’s just shameful!! From now on, unless we’re parked outside my house at the end of a promising date and he’s going to be coming in the house for some “coffee”, I’m not making out in cars anymore. Unless the guy is really hot and is gainfully employed.

Satan's Stockings

I have come to believe that stockings are the invention of communists and/or the devil. They are a method of torture, and only serve to ruin the day of the wearer-and quite possibly those around them.

When I wear stockings, which is hardly ever because I hate them more than I hate this Miley Cyrus, one of two things inevitably occurs:

1. They run the instant I attempt to pull them up past my too chunky thighs. And they run in a place where I can’t hide the run, like right down the ENTIRE back of my leg. This makes me want to scream because it means that the money I spent on them might as well have been flushed straight down the nearest toilet.

2. About 3 hours into the day, the elastic in the waistband starts giving. This means that the rest of the day will involve the stockings riding down until the crotch is closer to my knees than to Vangelina Jolie, and/or that I’ll be tugging at them while doing awkward moves to get them up where they belong.

Today happens to be a stocking day. Guess what? The waistband is shot AND I have a huge run down the front of my leg. The issues with the wasitband have caused me to walk funny all day, so it looks like I spent last night making sweet love to some stallion. Which I did not. The run makes it seem as though I spent too much time on my knees at lunch time. Which I did not.

Damn you, hosiery industry. I hate you.

way to go CNN

There’s something wrong with our society when a gorilla getting a colonoscopy warrants a headline on CNN. Really, what the hell is going on with CNN lately? Yesterday they had not one, but two postings of just such a story. I was halfway tempted to read the story, until I remembered that

I couldn’t care less
I have a life to lead

Fine, go ahead and put up some lame stories. Who am I to judge? Oh wait, that’s right, I’m Miss Judgey Judge A Lot. But wait, there’s more. Over the weekend, while I was shirking my domestic responsibilities, I stumbled up on this:


I think I pulled something because of how hard I was laughing. They meant Betty Boop, not Betty Boob.

Way to go, CNN copy editors!! Can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings! Oh please tell me that they have a story about a stolen truck full of peens/pens. A girl can dream…