When "Going Green = Seeing Red!

I just threw up in my mouth a little, no really. Damn it, why did I have to be eating a snack? Vomit taste in my mouth. YUCK!

Like I do most days at work, I was fooling around on the internet. Long story short, I ended up on the Etsy site. If you’ve never seen it before, you should go - right after you finish reading this post. It’s essentially on online marketplace for tons of great homemade goodies. Also some not-so-great homemade goodies. Either because the items have zero usage or because they’re as ugly as sin.

Anyway, being the environmentally responsible citizen I pretend that I am (she types just after drinking from her plastic straw in her Styrofoam cup), I’m looking for some reusable sandwich baggies. I freaking hate throwing so many plastic bags away each year. Such an incredible waste.
So there I was happily perusing the search results from my “reusable” search term when I suddenly stumbled on these: http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6752034

Can you tell what it is? Let me give you a hint. Here’s the description: ”Nice to Your Ladybits and to Mother Nature’s!”

I just threw up, again.

People, these are reusable menstrual pads. That means, that you bleed all over them and then you wash them and then you use them again. Just threw up some more. That is gross! Look, I’m all for not generating a ton of waste (which is why I use tampons that are biodegradable) but THIS is just too far!

There are 2 major problems with this:

1. Menstrual pads are gross as sin. You’re basically sitting in your own blood and they stick to you and then they wad up and you leak and I still have terrible nightmares from when I first got my period and had to use pads and would wake up soaked in my own blood and the thought is making me sick and probably you sick too and we should just stop here.

2. If you look closely at the image, you’ll see that there are little pictures of sugar bowls and other baking implements. This print is all wrong! And don’t even get me started on the one with the ants!

Okay, maybe I’m being too judgemental here. Maybe I should join the green revolution and just buy some and start wearing them (yuck) to save the planet.

No. Can’t do it.

But if you choose to do it, by all means. I’ll be honest with you here, this seller is actually a genius. There are people that take “going green” to a whole different level who would love to use these. If you’re one of them, here’s to you for loving the planet way more than I do.

Brilliant Ideas

At one point a few months back I created a text file on my computer and named it "Brilliant Ideas". I planned to use it to document the millions of untamed brilliant ideas that float through my head on a daily basis.

You could call them inventions, I suppose, but my Brilliant Idea Text File wasn't actually meant to explain how these inventions could be actualized. That wasn't the point. My job was to be the brilliant idea guy. I figured I could pay some grunt to do the dirty work if necessary. Eventually, these inventions would lead to my becoming a millionaire. The Brilliant Idea Text File was itself a brilliant idea.

A few months later the Brilliant Idea Text File had a total of three supposedly brilliant ideas in it. I reviewed it today and realized that I might want to hold off on my plans of becoming a millionaire.

For example: one idea was to invent a nightlight that flashed and blinked in a certain fashion in order to mimic a TV screen, so that if you went away on vacation you could simply turn on your TV Nightlight® and any lurking burglar would think that someone was always home and enjoying some television. But upon re-evaluation of this idea, I realized that an actual TV on a timer could accomplish the same trick, and would most likely use up the same amount of energy. Not such a brilliant idea after all.

One of my other brilliant ideas was much more practical. Basically, someone needs to invent frost-free glass for grocery stores so that after some dumb lady in the frozen dinner aisle stands in front of an open freezer for five minutes picking out her Lean Cuisines, the door doesn't frost over making it impossible for any subsequent shoppers to see their frozen entree options without having to open the damn freezer and stand in the cold for five minutes themselves.

This would have come in particularly handy for me the other day after I found myself in that exact situation in front of a frosted over freezer door at the grocery store. Due to the fact that a previous customer had stood with the freezer door open for far too long, I was forced to hold my grocery basket in one hand and the door open with the other in order to see the available Lean Cuisine selections. When I saw my beloved Thai-Style Chicken, I let go of the freezer door and reached wantonly for the box, causing the door to bonk against my head with a dull thud sound. This would have been no big deal had my hair not been damp from the rain and the door not been frosted, because when I went to stand up I realized my head was partially frozen to the door.

Rather than hang there awkwardly and whine like Flick from A Christmas Story with his tongue stuck to a metal pole, I stood up quickly to avoid any attention from fellow shoppers, leaving a few strands of my hair stuck to the inside of the freezer door. It was kinda gross in a food-and-hair-don't-mix kind of way, but I had to hightail it out of there before anyone saw me in such a vulnerable position. The hair is probably still there as I type.

Now granted, this story is probably not typical, but I still think it's a viable idea. Someone needs to invent frost-free glass asap. I don't care if it requires someone to break the laws of physics to accomplish, they just need to get it done. I don't even need any credit for the idea. I'm giving that one out as a freebie. And dust-repellent candles would be nice while you're at it, too.

Man, that was a long way to go just to say "I got my head stuck to a grocery store freezer door", but whatever.

Dating Resolution

If you’re like most people, you’re probably nursing a pretty bad case of the cocktail flu (hangover) this week. Ahh, the sweet sweet joys of New Year’s Day. There we all were last night celebrating the coming new year, drinking a mix of wine, vodka, beer and coffee liqueor, fighting with Belltown bitches for a cab at 2:00 am and making all those resolutions to make our lives better.

The New Year’s resolution: our chance to do something differently in hopes that life will be better in the new year. I find that the second I make one, I find myself breaking it on New Year’s Day. Let’s take that resolution to lose 20 pounds - that’s pretty much out the window when I inhaled McDonalds, 4 donuts, a 2 liter of Coke, and some leftover Christmas cookies on New Year’s Day. I usually don’t make resolutions, but I’ve decided to give them another go. This time, however, it’s going to be different. I can just feel it.

I’m not going to fool myself into believing that I’m actually going to lose 20 pounds, or go to the gym 5 days a week, or find a new job, or clean my bathroom every week, or go back to school, or stop mocking people. Instead, I’m going to focus my resolutions on dating.

Those of you that know me personally, you know that I have some pretty awful luck when it comes to dating. If I’m not busy making a bad decision that ends up with me in tears. I know, I know, I’ve picked some winners in the past. Well, that’s all about to change thanks to my 3 resolutions:

1. Dating.Com: Most of my friends are married, and they never have any available hot single men to introduce me to. Instead, I find that I hang my hopes on some random encounter when I’m out on the weekends. I’ve had little luck with this. I’ve taken a stab at online dating, but haven’t really taken it seriously. It’s about time I caught up with the rest of the world. I’m signing up for a minimum of 6 months with one of the big online dating services. I’m going to write that kick ass profile (really I’m just going to dust it off because it’s already pretty kick ass), find those cute pics, and I’m going to date at least one person a month. If it doesn’t work out, at least you all will have a wonderful story to read.

2. Snap Judgements: It’s probably a shocker to believe, but I’m quick to judge. I know within the first 5 seconds if I’m willing to give someone a shot. In some cases, I end up with losers (like the one that lied to me about being single, bedded me, and then sent me a Christmas card informing me that he had had a girlfriend when we were busy knocking boots). We can also assume that I’m probably letting some good ones slip through my fingers. As of today, I’m saying no to the 5 second rule. It no longer applies to men, only to food that’s fallen on the floor.

3. Make Out Sessions in Cars: I’m voting no on this one. Thinking back over the last 2 years, I can’t think of a single make out session in a parked car that ended up with anything more than a bad memory and driving around Tacoma wondering where the hell I was. Sure, it makes for a good story, but I have to live with knowing that I made out in a bar parking lot with some tool that owns a muscle car. That’s just shameful!! From now on, unless we’re parked outside my house at the end of a promising date and he’s going to be coming in the house for some “coffee”, I’m not making out in cars anymore. Unless the guy is really hot and is gainfully employed.

Satan's Stockings

I have come to believe that stockings are the invention of communists and/or the devil. They are a method of torture, and only serve to ruin the day of the wearer-and quite possibly those around them.

When I wear stockings, which is hardly ever because I hate them more than I hate this Miley Cyrus, one of two things inevitably occurs:

1. They run the instant I attempt to pull them up past my too chunky thighs. And they run in a place where I can’t hide the run, like right down the ENTIRE back of my leg. This makes me want to scream because it means that the money I spent on them might as well have been flushed straight down the nearest toilet.

2. About 3 hours into the day, the elastic in the waistband starts giving. This means that the rest of the day will involve the stockings riding down until the crotch is closer to my knees than to Vangelina Jolie, and/or that I’ll be tugging at them while doing awkward moves to get them up where they belong.

Today happens to be a stocking day. Guess what? The waistband is shot AND I have a huge run down the front of my leg. The issues with the wasitband have caused me to walk funny all day, so it looks like I spent last night making sweet love to some stallion. Which I did not. The run makes it seem as though I spent too much time on my knees at lunch time. Which I did not.

Damn you, hosiery industry. I hate you.

way to go CNN

There’s something wrong with our society when a gorilla getting a colonoscopy warrants a headline on CNN. Really, what the hell is going on with CNN lately? Yesterday they had not one, but two postings of just such a story. I was halfway tempted to read the story, until I remembered that

I couldn’t care less
I have a life to lead

Fine, go ahead and put up some lame stories. Who am I to judge? Oh wait, that’s right, I’m Miss Judgey Judge A Lot. But wait, there’s more. Over the weekend, while I was shirking my domestic responsibilities, I stumbled up on this:


I think I pulled something because of how hard I was laughing. They meant Betty Boop, not Betty Boob.

Way to go, CNN copy editors!! Can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings! Oh please tell me that they have a story about a stolen truck full of peens/pens. A girl can dream…

We're being invadede by white blobs!!

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2008/09/25/dnt.ghostly.images.on.tape.kshb

My thoughts are it could be:

1) Vaporized testosterone floating around, it’s a gym after all.

2) The ghost of Christmas past took a wrong turn and ended up in Kanasas.

3) Nothing exciting.

I’m leaning heavily towards 3.

What I'm watching this TV Season

With Gossip Girl making it's season debut last week the new fall season has officially arrived Let's find out what I’ll will be watching this season.

Mondays:

8:00: Gossip Girl & Chuck

8:30: How I Met Your Mother

9:00: Nothing

10:00 The Bachelor/ette

Show That Intrigues Me: Worst Week

We start with a log jam on Mondays at 8:00. With my VCR only equipped to handle one show at once what will happen from 8:00 - 9:00 when Gossip Girl, Chuck, and How I Met Your Mother premiere? Will I have to drop a show? Will I watch a few episodes online? Will I be forced to get a life? Should I give reading a try? Why do I get that creepy feeling about being in my mid-twenties and watching a show about high schoolers.

Chuck leapfrogged Pushing Daisies to become my favorite new show out of last years fall lineup. The affable Chuck (played by Zachary Levi) seamlessly changes gears from dramatic to comedic better than any actor not named John Krasinski on television today. Creator Josh Schwartz plans to emphasize a more serialized story telling approach this year and shy away from the close ended stories that served short term rather than long term goals last season. It's like he is fusing The OC with 24 with just a hint of Three's Company. And that my friends is entitled Television Nirvana.

How I Met Your Mother appears to be the odd man out in this Ménage à trois of a television dalliance I got going on but luckily I will catch up with the gang from MacLaren's on the internet.

Worst Week is based on a BBC show Worst Week of my Life. It stars Kurtwood "Don't call me Red" Smith of That 70's Show fame. I might give this show a try but it probably won't be until a random Saturday when I'm bored and I've run out of random episodes of Torchwood on BBC America to watch.


Tuesdays:

9:00: Fringe

10:00: Law & Order SVU

Show That Intrigues Me: The New 90210


Wednesdays:

8:00: Pushing Daisies

9:00: Private Practice

10:00 Dirty Sexy Money

Show That Intrigues Me: Dirty Sexy Money

A lot is going on in TV land on Wednesdays.

Thursdays:

8:00: My Name Is Earl

9:00: The Office, 30 Rock, Grey's Anatomy

10:00: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Burn Notice

Dance That Intrigues Me: The Mamba

Thursday night is my favorite television night of the week because it showcases my three favorite comedies on television: The Office, 30 Rock, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. The Office left us on the highest of high notes with their season four finale "Goodbye Toby". It was an instant Office classic and paved the way for a slew of fresh story lines for season five. It's Always Sunny enjoyed its finest season to date last year and much like a fine wine continues to get better with age. It's Always Sunny not only boasts a truly original comedic idiom but it also shares the "Most underrated half hour on television" moniker with Flight of the Conchords. With season four episode titles like "Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life" and "Sweet Dee has a Heart Attack" we should except more of the same ingenious yet refreshingly simplistic comedy we have come to expect from the gang at Paddy's Pub.

Fridays:

9:00: Psych

Old Board Game That Intrigues Me: Mouse Trap. That really is the craziest trap I've ever seen..
Saturdays:

11:30: Saturday Night Live

Member of the hit show Full House That Intrigues Me: Steve

This cast has been together long enough that I expect this to be an all time great year for SNL.

Sundays:

8:30: The Family Guy

9:00 Mad Men

10:00: Entourage

Random Fact Of The Day That Intrigues Me: Eating grapes do not help you to obtain superpowers

This day used to be reserved for The Family Guy but I think I'm done with Homer and the gang. I'm sure I'll still catch the occasional repeat but it's no longer "Must See TV" for this guy. What I am excited for is the fifth season of Dexter. I caught up seasons 4 this summer and holy appletini they were great!


Programs that I will watch when they come back mid-season: Scrubs, Medium, LOST, Flight of the Conchords

Sophomore shows I added to faves list from last year: Chuck, Gossip Girl, Private Practice, Pushing Daisies

New shows I plan to watch this year: Fringe

Show that got canceled and I promptly forgot that it ever existed: October Road

Best line from October Road that was meant to be serious but had me laughing hysterically: "I think you forgot what side of October Road you belong on"

Old show that was canceled before its time that you should buy on DVD: Undeclared

Shows I might start catching up on: Dexter

Second year show I am most excited about returning: Chuck

Runner up for favorite returning show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Favorite Returning Show: The Office, 30 Rock

Are there any shows that I missed? What else should I be watching? What did you do this weekend? Am I asking too many questions? Do you want to start an alliance with me? Have a great week party people! As always this has been Sandy wishing you Champagne wishes and caviar dreams or in my case gummy bear wishes and Snapple dreams. Have a great day!

Snapple (the drink not a person) if you are reading this that was called a plug. Please send me some of your delicious self. Thank you.