a polygamy poem

Oh sister wife, dear sister wife

I’m so sorry about your flat hairdo

Yes, you may have a sexy unibrow

But my hair is six inches closer to God than you!

Oh sister wife, dear sister wife

I pray you’ll still go to heaven

Even though you’ve only birthed two girls

While I’ve given our husband seven!

Now don’t be thinking that you are the most pious

Just because you shun the tweezers

As we all know, Little House on the Prarie dresses

And Aqua Net are the best God pleasers.

Oh sister wife, dear sister wife

Be strong, now don’t get weepy

You know we’ll get our children back

Even though people think we’re creepy.

Don’t you fret dear sister wife

The Lord shall hear our prayer

I’ve also asked Him especially

To help you achieve some high and poofy hair.

These media people are such devils

But from everything I can glean

It will be fine, just keep your trap shut

about how we married dear Husband at thirteen.

If Horton Lived in My Neighborhood.

Horton Hears a Leaf Blower

Horton Hears a Car Alarm

Horton Hears a Teenager, Who Apparently Doesn't Believe in Car Mufflers, Driving Way Too Damn Fast

Horton Hears an Ambulance

Horton Hopes It's for the Teenager

Horton Hears a Basketball Bouncing

Horton Always Hears a Basketball Bouncing

Horton Hears a Basketball Bouncing So Fucking Much That Horton Now Feels Like she's Living in a Real-Life Version of Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart"

Horton Hears an Inner Voice Telling Her to Grab the Basketball

Horton Hears a 30 something Woman Sprinting Down the Street Desperately Clutching Onto the Basketball and Laughing Maniacally

Horton Hears the Basketball Being Angrily Stuffed Down the Neighborhood Storm Drain

Horton Hears Rumors of a Lawsuit

The Facebook

It only took me about a year and a half, but I’m finally into Facebook.


I shouldn’t say that I’m into it - I may not be aging very gracefully or getting very mature, but I’m a little conscious about the fact that I’m almost 33 years old and actively using social networking sites made for teenagers and college kids. But fuck it.


The fundamental problem with Facebook is that by default everyone is private - you have to go out of your way to make your profile available for public viewing. I ask, therefore, how is one supposed to stalk members of the opposite sex without befriending them first? This was the best part of MySpace, which I’m visiting less and less, seeing as I’ve stalking pretty much everyone possible on that social networking site.


And when I think about it, I can’t explain the allure of Facebook at all, except to say that it’s different and new (to me - I’ve had an account for two years but only recently it seems like my long-lost friends and some of you have been hitting me up for friend requests, thus drawing me in). At any rate, if nothing else, it’s another way to pass the time at work. And I guess it’s a good thing that it’s harder to stalk on there than on MySpace.


(I guess.)

Cereal Goodness

Our society is not shy about using the word "genius" to describe those of marginal talent or flashes-in-the-pan, often neglecting the true geniuses among us. The good people at Honey Bunches of Oats have been producing delicious cereals for a number of years, starting with their original Honey Roasted variety, which still stands up as an amazing cereal. In the last year or two, they introduced Cinnamon Honey Bunches of Oats and I was so moved that I wrote that all of you must try it, but only if you’re interested in life-changing cereals that make you appreciate yourself, others and the earth more.



But just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, recently the geniuses at HBoO have come out with a new cereal: Chocolate Honey Bunches of Oats. After my initial excitement subsided, I became skeptical: would this be an instance of too much of a good thing? I love HBoO and I love chocolatey cereal, but I also love having sex and pooping and wouldn’t necessarily combine them (I don’t think).



Well, leave your worries at the door, my friends - this cereal is the balls. It has the crunch, texture and sweetness of the original HBoO with only a slight (but glorious) chocolatey taste. But the best part - the chocolate cereal milk left over. Wow. Seriously, once more - Wow.



I tip my hat to the good people at HBoO, true geniuses. They took a delicious cereal in their original and improved upon it in the cinnamon incarnation, then improved upon it again with the chocolate incarnation. The only possible way they can improve on the chocolate cereal is "New Honey Bunches of Oats - With Real Diamonds!" It just can’t get much better.

I saw this online the other day and laughed out loud.

Poor girl didn't know she was going to be running for president someday... otherwise I'm sure she would have rethought that outfit. I'll try not to let it make me question her judgement, and I rest happy knowing that she probably has someone to dress her these days.

I can't judge really, though, because if I ever run for president, I'm sure some rather awkward pictures of me will surface. I'm thinking in particular of a rather bad haircut my dad gave me that looked like a mullet, which I have yet to be brave enough to post on here. I should really just get it all out in the open, but I like to pretend like that 6 months of my life never happened.

oops

I didn't mean to be gone for so long. I was working trying to get a few dozen work projects under control. I guess my real life kinda overshadowed my preferred internet identity for a while, but look out because I'm coming back full force, like the super hero I am.

I need a witness

There are Jehovah’s witnesses knocking on my door right now. I happened to peek out my window about 2 minutes before they knocked. I saw a bible. I knew they were coming for me. I’m not going down there right now, the whole thought of having to deal with their questions bores me to tears. Plus I’m not wearing any pants. If only I had the courage to walk down there and open the door in just my shirt on. And then we could have this conversation:

Me: Good morning. Can I help you?
Them: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?

Me: Have I done what? Look, you’re not trying to sell me something, are you? Because I’m not buying.
Them: No, we’re not selling anything. We’re giving away the message of Jesus Christ and his all embracing love and power.

Me: Jesus who? Wait. Are you guys here for some political campaign? Because I have already told you people that I’m not endorsing your candidate.
Them: No, were’ here about Jesus.

Me: Cheezits? I don’t have any cheezits.
Them: Not cheezits, Jesus. You know, from the Good Book [showing bible]?

Me: I already have one of those. I never use it. It’s so much easier to just find telephone numbers on line now. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go put some pants on.