Bear with me...I'm on a V-day kick.

I don't pretend to be an expert in many walks of life. Parallel parking, wine and cheese pairings, John Cusack trivia, hypothetical fights between 18th century poets and famous 1980's rockers, these are things I excel in. But you can bet your bottom dollar that just as Brian Adams would kick the crap out of William Wordsmith I am an expert on avoiding all things Valentine's day. (It should be noted that I Googled 18th century poets because if you've ever met me in real life or have ever read this blog before you could probably deduce that I don't know all that much about poetry, I mean I know that words rhyme, sometimes. That sort of rhymed...right? But imagine my delight when I saw that there was a poet named William Wordsmith. WILLIAM WORDSMITH...and he was a poet! Anyone? That just made my day. Who knew history could take time out from its busy schedule of being pretentiously pointless and unbearably tiresome to pencil in some hilarity to its regularly scheduled programming of "Blah Blah Boring" and "...And This Guy Died").

So back to my point: I hate history. Wait that's not it. Let me pop some Ritalin like Popeye pops his spinach (Note to self: Look up pop on an online thesaurus to avoid such a poorly constructed sentence in the future. Also buy milk.)

Valentines day is a day for love, togetherness, and spending endless amounts of money to justify your love for another human being...for some of us. For the rest of us it is a big fat reminder that we are yet again alone and are heading for a lifetime membership of the "Crazy old people with cats club." As snarky and sarcastic as that sentence sounds, I'm not bitter. Weird huh? I know what you are thinking, you're thinking, "Sandy how can you not hate Valentines Day? The holiday that has always found you perpetually alone and the day that came right after your sad breakup that led to you setting the record for most times playing the song, "All out of Love" by Air Supply in a two week period? And to that I reply...hmm. Actually you bring up a very valid point hypothetical question from my alter ego that future psychiatrists will diagnose as a cry for help. But we are not here to talk about me, even though it is my blog and I probably have a mountain of problems we could really get to the core of today...right...helping people. The greater good. Gottcha. Let's do this...list style, because let’s face it, any other style results in about three hundred words that go nowhere near the point. It's the way I roll...

Single People:

How To Deal With...Other Couples: Do you ever see happy couples walking down the street holding hands and sort of wish that a pile of bricks or an Acme anvil (stop watching 1990's cartoons before writing Sandy, this is your last warning) will fall on their heads? Umm... I don't either. Sure these couples look like they are having fun, but remember this; when those couples are off spending romantic nights engaging in tickle fights and acrobatic sex you will have more free time to read a book, catch up on old reruns of Perfect Strangers, and learn a marketable skill (refrigeration repair is a growing industry...I'm just saying). Advantage...Single people.

Chocolate Hearts and Fat Naked Angels with Bows and Arrows Everywhere: Candy makes you fat and Cupid probably has diabetes. Sorry to burst your bubble happy couples. Advantage...Single people and anyone who isn't a menacing historical figment that shoots people with arrows. Arrows kill people Cupid. Rent Robin Hood.

Family Members Asking You About Holiday Plans: Caller ID.

Being Alone: Are you really alone? Think about it. People have friends, pets, Chia Pets, those little digital pets that were all the rage seven years ago, life is good people. Sure you might not have a Valentine this year, well guess what, 89% of all attractive, healthy, and awesome people are single and that is a fact. So cut loose, Footloose, and have a girls night out with all of your friends. Have a few drinks, unwind, and head on down to a neighborhood bar.

Couples:

How To Deal With...SHUT UP AND STOP COMPLAINING.

Have you ever teared up while watching the classic "Say Anything" alone during Valentine's Day 06? Have you? ANSWER ME!!!

Moving on...Worst comes to worst, I'll be your Valentine America. I'm sort of cute looking, I can cook, write, and sort of be your perfect soul mate. If you are a man between the ages of eighteen and sixty seven and you've said to yourself, "If only I could find a great caring, funny, cute gal...but taken down a notch or two" then you are in luck!

Remember, some people use Valentine's Day as a motivational tool to better their life and make some positive changes, that could be you! Or binge drink...either or. Just remember it's never too late to turn it all around. Sure you don't have a Valentine this year but I have a sneaky suspicion that all eight of you that read my blog will have one next year. And if not you can follow the advice my mother always use to give to me before she would tuck me in at night, "Sandy there is always prostitution." Just kidding, love you mom! Oh and remember that William Wordsmith dude I was talking about earlier, well he had an incestuous relationship with his sister and died alone.

Happy Valentine's Day Earth!!!

XOXO Sandy